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10 Things That Absolutely Make Your Birth "Unnatural"

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There's definitely more than one way to bring a baby into the world. Some women want a water birth, a midwife-attended birth, or a home birth. Then there are women who want a "natural birth." Unlike the terms "home birth" or "water birth," "natural birth" isn't necessarily a clear-cut, universal definition. Then again, I think we can put on our thinking caps and use logic: a "natural birth" is one that avoids things that are "unnatural," so let's explore some of the things that make your birth unnatural. After all, I'm here to help.

Let's begin by establishing what it means to be unnatural: all things "unnatural" are bad. Bad, bad, bad! That's because all things natural are good! Take for example, the healing power of plants! The resilience of the human body! The perfect balance of nature! Tsunamis that destroy entire cities and devastate thousands of lives! Hyper-virulent germs!

Umm... actually... just, like, forget I mentioned those last two. OK? The jury will disregard any mention of tsunamis or germs... or giant asteroids colliding with Earth... or large, scary spiders. Those natural things wouldn't really qualify as "good," but I"m sure we could overlook their existence. At least for the sake of argument.

Point is, anything that isn't found in nature should be avoided at all costs, not just for your sake, but for the sake of your precious baby. Don't you want an ideal, blissful birthing experience? Of course you do. So I'm going to suggest* that you avoid all of the following:

*Not really, you guys: this is all in good fun to make a point about the term "natural." Please do not take me seriously.

Literally Any Prenatal Care

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Prenatal care is super unnatural as it requires extensive medical knowledge, and sometimes even medications or interventions. There's nothing naturally occurring about any of those things! Do you think our ancient foremothers knew folic acid was important, much less that they should take prenatal vitamins? Of course not! And if hypothetical women of a fetishized past didn't do something, then you shouldn't either.

In fact, I find it's best to just sort of wonder whether or not you're pregnant until a full-term infant drops out of you, ideally as you're bathing in a creek or foraging for berries in a thicket. Point is: you're just so much better off skipping this all together.*

*OK, but seriously guys: satire! SATIRE! SATIRE! Please do not skip prenatal care! It's a really bad idea.

Use Of A Single Medical Device

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Obviously we all know that epidurals used in medicated births and surgical equipment used in C-section births are super unnatural. (Like, can you even call them "births"*?) But what most people don't recognize is, by that logic, all other medical equipment is unnatural, too. A heart monitor, stethoscope, or oxygen mask? Yeah, all unnatural, because any item not found in nature is unnatural. Using it to help bring a baby into the world, therefore, is terribly unnatural and extremely damaging**.

But something else most people don't recognize is that there are natural alternatives to every single one of those toxic, unnatural doohickeys that work just as well***. Like, instead of a stethoscope you can just put your ear on a pregnant person's stomach and make a "bum bum, bum bum" heartbeat sound. Instead of giving them an oxygen mask when they're struggling, just go ahead and blow in their face really hard. Instead of emergency C-sections, just focus positive energy on not having a C-section. Guys, it works every time!****

*Yes, because that's what they are

**Not damaging

***They don't work at all

****That's not a thing you can do

Giving Birth Inside (Birthing Tubs Count)

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Just as medical instruments and knowledge are unnatural, so too are constructed dwellings and shelters. Some natural alternatives include caves, very large bushes, hollowed out trees, and animal dens. Fair warning! When it comes to animal dens you will likely have to challenge the animal for supremacy. Remember: don't use any tools to do this, as you don't want to taint your birth experience with anything unnatural. It will be a challenge, but I strongly believe your Mama Bear instincts will enable you to take on and take out an actual Mama Bear!***

***Please do not fight bears

Timing Contractions

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"Contraction counter" apps? Stop watches? Clocks? Numerical systems? A concept on the passage of time? What sort of technocracy is this? Are we in The Matrix? No thanks, bud. I'll stick to my all-natural ignorance, thank you very much.

Robot Baby

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Call me old fashioned, but I believe that human women should be having human babies. They should not be going to secret government labs and to have highly adaptive, biologically engineered, hyper-advanced Artificial Intelligence implanted inside them.

But oh no, these damn millennials are running around willy-nilly, so excited about their cyborg fetuses. I mean... I assume. I haven't had this confirmed, per se, but Millennials are ruining everything, so I assume they're ruining human reproduction, too.

*You're* A Robot

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Get out of here. This isn't an episode of Westworld!

PS: It is entirely possible that my fear of robot fetuses and robot surrogates is largely based on powering through all of Season One in a single day rather than logic or facts, but better safe than sorry.

Witchcraft

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Otherworldly forces have no place in a natural birth! Anything supernatural is the very definition of unnatural. So necromancy, spell casting, transfiguration, magic in general, or even a particularly rousing game of Dungeons and Dragons (you can never be too careful) is out.

Supernatural Paternity

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Like, if Zeus is your baby daddy you can't say you had a natural birth. Gods should not be coupling with mortal women, people! I cannot stress this enough! It only ever ends in tragedy! (Hello! Achilles? Hercules? These were not happy endings, people!)

Look, if you absolutely want your child to be a demigod, fine. But give birth to them and then let the gods raise them. Or send them on a quest to achieve demigod status when they enter adulthood. Do not try to birth one on your own.

'Alien' Chestburster Birth

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Look, I'm not chestburster birth shaming: those terrifying little suckers come out of their host the way nature intended... violently through the torso and without the use of painkillers, thank you very much. No, it's not the perfectly natural deadly mode of birth that I object to, it's that the humans were in space in the first place. Humans don't belong in space! So unnatural. If giving birth in a hospital or house is unnatural, what do you think giving birth on a spaceship is? Good God, people, stop and think.

Doing Anything I Disagree With

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I mean, since "natural" is more or less a completely arbitrary term, I figure I can just cut to the chase and use any measure I feel like. So, if you want to know if your birth is natural or not, just text me. I promise I'll tell you exactly what I think, whether or not it's based on actual facts.

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