saritphoto/Fotolia

10 Things That Absolutely Make Your Birth "Unnatural"

By
Share
Ad failed to load

There's definitely more than one way to bring a baby into the world. Some women want a water birth, a midwife-attended birth, or a home birth. Then there are women who want a "natural birth." Unlike the terms "home birth" or "water birth," "natural birth" isn't necessarily a clear-cut, universal definition. Then again, I think we can put on our thinking caps and use logic: a "natural birth" is one that avoids things that are "unnatural," so let's explore some of the things that make your birth unnatural. After all, I'm here to help.

Let's begin by establishing what it means to be unnatural: all things "unnatural" are bad. Bad, bad, bad! That's because all things natural are good! Take for example, the healing power of plants! The resilience of the human body! The perfect balance of nature! Tsunamis that destroy entire cities and devastate thousands of lives! Hyper-virulent germs!

Umm... actually... just, like, forget I mentioned those last two. OK? The jury will disregard any mention of tsunamis or germs... or giant asteroids colliding with Earth... or large, scary spiders. Those natural things wouldn't really qualify as "good," but I"m sure we could overlook their existence. At least for the sake of argument.

Ad failed to load

Point is, anything that isn't found in nature should be avoided at all costs, not just for your sake, but for the sake of your precious baby. Don't you want an ideal, blissful birthing experience? Of course you do. So I'm going to suggest* that you avoid all of the following:

*Not really, you guys: this is all in good fun to make a point about the term "natural." Please do not take me seriously.

Ad failed to load

Literally Any Prenatal Care

Giphy

Prenatal care is super unnatural as it requires extensive medical knowledge, and sometimes even medications or interventions. There's nothing naturally occurring about any of those things! Do you think our ancient foremothers knew folic acid was important, much less that they should take prenatal vitamins? Of course not! And if hypothetical women of a fetishized past didn't do something, then you shouldn't either.

In fact, I find it's best to just sort of wonder whether or not you're pregnant until a full-term infant drops out of you, ideally as you're bathing in a creek or foraging for berries in a thicket. Point is: you're just so much better off skipping this all together.*

*OK, but seriously guys: satire! SATIRE! SATIRE! Please do not skip prenatal care! It's a really bad idea.

Use Of A Single Medical Device

Giphy

Obviously we all know that epidurals used in medicated births and surgical equipment used in C-section births are super unnatural. (Like, can you even call them "births"*?) But what most people don't recognize is, by that logic, all other medical equipment is unnatural, too. A heart monitor, stethoscope, or oxygen mask? Yeah, all unnatural, because any item not found in nature is unnatural. Using it to help bring a baby into the world, therefore, is terribly unnatural and extremely damaging**.

But something else most people don't recognize is that there are natural alternatives to every single one of those toxic, unnatural doohickeys that work just as well***. Like, instead of a stethoscope you can just put your ear on a pregnant person's stomach and make a "bum bum, bum bum" heartbeat sound. Instead of giving them an oxygen mask when they're struggling, just go ahead and blow in their face really hard. Instead of emergency C-sections, just focus positive energy on not having a C-section. Guys, it works every time!****

*Yes, because that's what they are

**Not damaging

***They don't work at all

****That's not a thing you can do

Giving Birth Inside (Birthing Tubs Count)

Giphy

Just as medical instruments and knowledge are unnatural, so too are constructed dwellings and shelters. Some natural alternatives include caves, very large bushes, hollowed out trees, and animal dens. Fair warning! When it comes to animal dens you will likely have to challenge the animal for supremacy. Remember: don't use any tools to do this, as you don't want to taint your birth experience with anything unnatural. It will be a challenge, but I strongly believe your Mama Bear instincts will enable you to take on and take out an actual Mama Bear!***

***Please do not fight bears

Ad failed to load

Timing Contractions

Giphy

"Contraction counter" apps? Stop watches? Clocks? Numerical systems? A concept on the passage of time? What sort of technocracy is this? Are we in The Matrix? No thanks, bud. I'll stick to my all-natural ignorance, thank you very much.

Robot Baby

Giphy

Call me old fashioned, but I believe that human women should be having human babies. They should not be going to secret government labs and to have highly adaptive, biologically engineered, hyper-advanced Artificial Intelligence implanted inside them.

But oh no, these damn millennials are running around willy-nilly, so excited about their cyborg fetuses. I mean... I assume. I haven't had this confirmed, per se, but Millennials are ruining everything, so I assume they're ruining human reproduction, too.

*You're* A Robot

Giphy

Get out of here. This isn't an episode of Westworld!

PS: It is entirely possible that my fear of robot fetuses and robot surrogates is largely based on powering through all of Season One in a single day rather than logic or facts, but better safe than sorry.

Ad failed to load

Witchcraft

Giphy

Otherworldly forces have no place in a natural birth! Anything supernatural is the very definition of unnatural. So necromancy, spell casting, transfiguration, magic in general, or even a particularly rousing game of Dungeons and Dragons (you can never be too careful) is out.

Supernatural Paternity

Giphy

Like, if Zeus is your baby daddy you can't say you had a natural birth. Gods should not be coupling with mortal women, people! I cannot stress this enough! It only ever ends in tragedy! (Hello! Achilles? Hercules? These were not happy endings, people!)

Look, if you absolutely want your child to be a demigod, fine. But give birth to them and then let the gods raise them. Or send them on a quest to achieve demigod status when they enter adulthood. Do not try to birth one on your own.

'Alien' Chestburster Birth

Giphy

Look, I'm not chestburster birth shaming: those terrifying little suckers come out of their host the way nature intended... violently through the torso and without the use of painkillers, thank you very much. No, it's not the perfectly natural deadly mode of birth that I object to, it's that the humans were in space in the first place. Humans don't belong in space! So unnatural. If giving birth in a hospital or house is unnatural, what do you think giving birth on a spaceship is? Good God, people, stop and think.

Ad failed to load

Doing Anything I Disagree With

Giphy

I mean, since "natural" is more or less a completely arbitrary term, I figure I can just cut to the chase and use any measure I feel like. So, if you want to know if your birth is natural or not, just text me. I promise I'll tell you exactly what I think, whether or not it's based on actual facts.

Check out Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries:

Watch full episodes of Romper's Doula Diaries on Facebook Watch.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

Being A Dog Parent Prepared Me For Having A Baby, Really

I’ve always wanted kids; I was never as sure about raising a puppy. Then I spent six months living with someone who brought home an eight-week-old golden retriever puppy, and I see no way to make it out of that experience claiming not to love dogs. I…
By Heather Caplan

20 Of The Most Popular Unisex Names Of All Time, That You'll Be Hearing More Of For Sure

You might think of unisex names as a fairly recent trend, but the truth is these versatile monikers have been commonly used throughout history (well, some more commonly than others). That's why the team over at Names.org recently compiled a list of t…
By Jacqueline Burt Cote

How To Have A Date Night With No Babysitter, Because It's Easier Than You Think

After having children, many couples feel that their love lives immediately go out the window, but it's so important to make your romantic life a priority so both you and your partner can be the best versions of yourselves you can be. As we all know, …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

9 Ways Baby No. 3 Made My Family Feel Complete

My husband and I decided to have another baby right after we got married and, well, we had no idea what we were getting into. I got pregnant right away, endured a high-risk pregnancy, and, before I knew it, my third baby had arrived. Together, we emb…
By Steph Montgomery

8 Stereotypes About New Dads That Are *Totally* True

Much like new mothers, new fathers have a lot on their plate. Parenting can be scary and complex, especially at first and regardless of your gender. People want to do right by their kids, after all. And since all new parents are a hot mess, dads are …
By Priscilla Blossom

8 Differences Between Being Pregnant In Your 20s Vs 30s, According To Science

Whether you're planning a pregnancy, or just thinking about your future family, it's typical to think about things like child-spacing, how many kids you want, and when to start trying to conceive. When making your pro/con list, you might also conside…
By Steph Montgomery

16 Moms Share Remedies For Their Most Intense Chocolate Cravings During Pregnancy

For better or worse, pregnancy is usually synonymous with odd cravings. Sure, there are the stereotypical combos like pickles and ice cream that plague gestating women the world over, but there are other mind-boggling combinations, too, including but…
By Candace Ganger

Putting Sunscreen On Your Kid Doesn't Have To Be A Fight — Here's How To Do It

I am almost translucent, so me and sunscreen are basically besties at this point. Even though my children are beautifully deep brown thanks to my husband's genetics, I still slather them like biscuits being buttered because I refuse to take risks wit…
By Cat Bowen

7 Things A Mom Really Means When She Says She Doesn't Want Anything On Mother's Day

Every year my family asks me what I want for Mother's Day, and every single year I tell them the same thing: Nothing. So, by now, they know that when I say "nothing" I absolutely do not mean "nothing." In fact, there are more than a few things a mom …
By Candace Ganger

19 Moms Share The Way They Cured Their Pregnancy Comfort Food Cravings

I was obnoxiously sick during the first trimester with, "lucky" for me, both of my pregnancies. For the first three months I lived on saltines, lemonade, and fresh bread. Once I was able to eat, however, all I wanted was savory and sweet comfort food…
By Dina Leygerman

8 Fascinating Facts About Babies Born In May, The Luckiest Month Of All

The height of all things fresh and springy, May is an excellent month to have a baby. It's a time of growth, graduations, and outdoor celebrations. And these fascinating facts about May babies will give you more reasons than ever to appreciate childr…
By Lindsay E. Mack

I Used To Judge Formula-Feeding Moms — Until I Became One

The other patrons in the hip Brooklyn restaurant probably couldn’t care less what I was feeding my baby, but I’ll always remember the shame I felt as I quickly mixed up his bottle of formula in front of them. I admitted to my childless friend that I …
By Katherine Martinelli

7 White Lies It’s Necessary To Tell To Keep Your Relationship Healthy

Telling lots of lies typically isn't associated with a healthy, strong, lasting relationship, and that's still certainly true, but not all lies are exactly the same. Though you've probably heard from someone at least once or twice that the lie they t…
By Lauren Schumacker

The Skinny Jeans That Saved Me Postpartum

Accepting my post-pregnancy body is hands-down one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. It’s something that I still work on every single day. During my first pregnancy, I was 20 years old, so I managed to bounce back quickly. In fact, I dropp…
By Allison Cooper

7 Ways Your Baby Is Trying To Say They Feel Safe

In those first weeks of new motherhood, it can feel like you need an interpreter for your newborn. With their limited means of communication, figuring out what message your baby is trying to get across to you can be a challenge. With time, however, y…
By Kimmie Fink

Here's Why Dogs Are Obsessed With Babies' Poop, According To Science

Most family dogs seem to understand babies, and they're more than happy to make friends with the newest member of the pack. It's adorable... for the most part and until you go to change your little one's diaper. Suddenly, you're wondering why dogs ar…
By Lindsay E. Mack

6 Signs You're Meant To Have A Big Age Gap Between Kids

There's a five year age difference between my two children, to the day. Their age gap wasn't planned but, for a variety of reasons, works well for our family. And since I was so focused on having a second baby, I totally overlooked the signs that wou…
By Candace Ganger

13 Unique (& Totally Not Mainstream) Mother's Day Gifts For The Hipster Mom

Hipsters thrive on being outside the norm and not really digging anything considered "mainstream." Whether it's in their fashion, what music they listen to, the books they read, or how they enjoy beverages, there's just something that makes them dist…
By Abi Berwager Schreier

Here's How To Introduce Your Pet To Your Baby & Make Everything As Calm As Possible

Our home, which we lovingly refer to as “the funny farm,” is filled with four-legged family members. We have two crazy beagles and two cat jerks, and boy are they loved and spoiled. (As they should be.) But we are now finally having a baby of our own…
By Abi Berwager Schreier

Here's The Right Birth Method For You, According To Your Zodiac Sign

If you're pregnant, you've probably given childbirth some serious thought. Some moms-to-be prepare a meticulous birth plan, while others are comfortable just going with the flow. And me? Well, I made a plan... but that plan was useless when faced wit…
By Steph Montgomery

My Dog Knew I Was Pregnant Before My Family Did

Growing up, I was 100 percent sure I'd be a mom one day. To a dog, that is. My baby plans came later. And once my husband and I were sure we wanted both a dog and a baby, we'd add to our joint dog-and-baby name list over Sunday brunch or on date nigh…
By Melissa Mills
)}