Fewer things pop my corn faster than annoying baby products. Doesn't matter if it's a musical swing stuck on an unpleasant note, a mobile that refuses to turn, or a damn toy that, no matter what you do, won't turn off. It doesn't have to be so hard, does it? And OMG the car seats. Those goddamn car seats. New parents, trust me when I say there are a boatload of things that are easier than installing a car seat. Like, for starters, literally everything. Because getting the car seat installed correctly is the actual worst. But, you know, safety first.
As new parents, my partner and I didn't know what the hell we were doing when it came to most things. I'm pretty sure it took a solid four hours to get the car seat up to safety standards. Even after I kinda, sorta figured things out, parts were loose or jostling and it never felt like my precious daughter was restrained properly. I mean, who decided I could not only have a child, but drive around with that child in those death traps known as cars!? This is madness, I tell you. Absolute madness.
You'd think we'd be more seasoned and educated in the parental department when my partner and I welcomed our son to the family, five years later. Nope. Same issues, except we were older, more exhausted, and less likely to put up with dumb sh*t like this. For as far as we've come as a society, can't we get a self-installing car seat already? Or at least one that doesn't require a complicated installment that always ends in tears, arguments, and a pint of ice cream. Here are some things that are way easier than installing that damn car seat, because at least we can laugh together, right?
By "hot" I mean living through a Florida summer, and by "yoga," I mean bending in ways I never thought I could to retrieve a Lego from beneath the refrigerator. I'd rather do it all damn day than install another car seat.
I've only been running marathons for about five years, and I wasn't active growing up so it's a challenge to cross that finish line, to say the least. While I wish I could say it's "fun," or that my body has adapted, I can't. No matter how much I train, how many races I run, or how healthy I eat, I never seem to progress. If anything, it feels like I'm dying.
Having said that, I'm about to run my nine marathon in three weeks, and I'm sure it'll be as tough as all the others. Yet, let me choose between running 26.2 miles or putting a car seat in the right way, and I'll choose running. Every. Single. Time. Bye.
Solving A Scientific Equation
I love science. I like to read about it, write about it, and allow myself to be completely and utterly confused by it. I wish I were better at it, though. I'd never, in a million years, be able to solve anything quantum physics-related. On that note, I'll give it a try if it's between that and installing a car seat.
Explaining Daylight Savings Time To A Kid
Have you ever tried to tell your kid they have to go to bed an hour earlier because some dude somewhere arbitrarily decided we had to change our clocks twice a year? It's a nightmare within a nightmare. An inception of the worst kind because the discussion never ends. I swear the same people who've deemed this a thing are also those responsible for deciding someone in space ages at a different rate than those of us on earth (a 'la Interstellar). Still rather do it than the car seat crap.
Not Crying Through 'This Is Us'
It's impossible — IMPOSSIBLE, I TELL YOU — to withhold tears when watching any episode of This Is Us. I was reluctant to watch the show at first, but the pilot sucked me in and forced tears from my damn ducts every episode since. Would it be easy to hold back? Not a chance. Compared to tackling a car seat? Consider it done (less tears shed watching the show than doing an install, anyway).
I'm not an actual human being until my first cup of java is down the hatch. It gives me life. Then, soon after, I have a glorious, handcrafted latte from my my beloved Espresso machine. I'll fight to the death for it. However, if I have to choose between installing a car seat and giving up coffee forever, it's a done deal — take all my beans.
Having A Pleasant Conversation With An Opposing Political Party
Look, in today's exhausting political climate, pleasantries aren't all that possible. The line between opinions is too clear, and the stakes are too high. I don't prefer to spend every holiday debating with conservative relatives, but if you show me a car seat and tell me to pick, I'll do it. Again and again and again. And anyway, not to point out the obvious, but ignorance strengthens the racial divide. Car seat be damned.
Creating The Next Big Thing
I don't have any innovative, life-changing ideas, but if you started a time clock and said "create something meaningful or install a car seat," I'll have a prototype ready before the clock stops.
Starting A Whole New Career
I've worked just about every job ever created. It's not easy to start over and, at least for right now, I'm happy with where I'm at. I'd still rather start from scratch — as if never having worked a a job in my life — than get a car seat into our car ever again.
Listening To One Song On A Loop, Forever
My kids love repetition. We watch the same television shows and movies over and over and over, and when there's a song they've discovered for the very first time of course it's the only thing we listen to for a solid month, until they find their next favorite thing. Bring me a car seat and I'll turn you away, ready to listen to one song for the rest of my life. I won't even complain.
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