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11 Erotic Things You Can Do For A New Mom

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If you're parenting with a partner, the first year of parenthood can be challenging for you as a couple. For example, parenthood will undoubtably change your sex life. I'm sorry if this is news, but I have not met one couple whose hanky-panky has been unaffected by the introduction of a new baby. But there's hope! Yes, things will change, and, yes, maintaining a sensual spark will take effort, but this is something you can work at successfully, starting with erotic things you could do for a new mom.

Some of your old modes of wooing might be successful, sure, but I have to be honest: a new mom may not have the same inclinations and drives she once did. That's not to say they may not come back once she's feeling more comfortable in her new role as a parent, or that they'll evolve in a way that's, perhaps, even more exciting. I'm just saying this is a weird time that will take some creativity, exploration, and fresh ideas about what is truly an erotic experience.

Overall, I would advise new parents to be patient, be diligent, and try any of the following tried-and-true tactics to get some spice back in your life. The struggle is real, but the answers are often quite simple.

Listen To Her As She Talks About Her Body

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Oh yeah, baby. You want to talk about my vagina? Let me tell you about the third degree tear it's currently healing from. Or my breasts, that are cracked and bleeding after our infant has been haplessly chomping on them. And I know you love butts, so let's talk about stretch marks and hemorrhoids.

No, really, this is doing something for me. I need to get this out. Bear with me, sweetie.

Get Her Out Of Her Pants

Specifically, help peel off the leggings she's been wearing for the past three days. She probably doesn't want to do anything right now, but she'd really appreciate the help because they're kind of sticky and she's just too tired to move. Oh yeah, just like that.

Buy Gallons Of Lube

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Not because you're going to be having all that much sex, but because postpartum hormones are doing a number on her and she's got the damn Sahara between her thighs at the moment.

Clean Baby Bottles & Pump Parts

Oh God! Oh God! Scrub! Scrub! Get all the nooks and crannies! Harder! Faster! More!

(If I pretend this turns me on will you keep doing it? Because this is one of my least favorite chores.)

Clean Literally Anything

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It's a damn mess in here, and nothing makes a new mom hornier than a clean house. Bare ass has nothing on bare floors. Washboard abs cannot compete with laundry in the washing machine. Cleanliness make moms feel as though something in their life is going according to plan, which allows her to relax enough to want to bang.

Turn On A Porno

A porno for a new mom is literally anything not meant for children. It's luxurious and sexy not to have to revolve what you watch around what's appropriate for little, impressionable eyes. So as long as there's no Elmo, Caillou, or talking animals in general it's going to feel extremely erotic.

Draw Her A Bath

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She's a dirty girl. So very, very dirty. No, really, she hasn't had a chance to take a shower in a few days. She's held together with layers of deodorant and dry shampoo right now. Seriously, clean this woman before she develops a heretofore extinct disease.

Rant Against Unrealistic Body Images Foisted On New Moms

Because with myriad magazine covers all about celebrities "getting their body back" within 45 minutes of giving birth to twins, the new mom in your life is very likely feeling like crap about herself right now. With all the changes that have occurred, she may be unsettled to the point of feeling like crap regardless of what anyone else is doing. So go ahead and make it known that you know it's a mass-media lie. After all, feminist rants and self-esteem boosts are always sexy and, no, I'm not even kidding.

Take Her On An Sexy Vacation

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...to Target, obviously. New moms have neither the time nor the resources for a real exotic/erotic adventure, but they can take an hour or so to get their groove back in the dollar spot. There's little in this world more sensual than a bargain, my friends.

Hold Your Baby

It is really, really sexy to know you have a dedicated, loving, nurturing partner. And maybe take your shirt off when you do? Please?

Do NotTouch Her & Let Her Sleep

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Because, sometimes, the sexiest thing of all is realizing that now is not the time to do anything even remotely sexy.

Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.