11 Hilarious Crimes From Childhood Your Mother Has Never Forgiven You For
Looking back, a lot of your child's worst moments are actually pretty funny. In the thick of them, no, we're probably not going to see the humor in them, but afterwards, OK, yeah, that was pretty hilarious. That doesn't mean we're going to forgive and forget, kiddo. There are hilarious crimes from childhood your mother has never forgiven you for and, you know what? Girlfriend is well within her rights.
To be clear, I'm talking about moms and kids here. I don't mean these are lifelong grudges that are going to ruin anyone's lives. But I'm saying that when an infant has peed in your mouth, it's OK if you never let that go and bring it up when the mood strikes, you know? Even if said infant "didn't mean it" or "couldn't control it" — the trials and tribulations we endure for our children are endured willingly and for love... so let us have a little bit of fun in our bitterness, OK?
Based on my own experience, both as a parent as a daughter of a mom who doesn't forget anything (unless it's convenient to do so, of course), here are some scenarios you can expect to hear about (and talk about) for years to come:
That Time You Got Hurt In A Spectacularly Stupid Way
When you unintentionally hurt yourself, your mom hurt, too. That's why she's not letting this one go, my dude. Yes, the time you literally rode your bike into a brick wall was hysterical because OMG dummy, how did you not see it?! But it also hurt your mom's heart, and she's not going to up and forgive you for scaring her half to death.
That Time You Were Very Disrespectful But Also Very Funny
I feel like the peak age for these instances is between 2 and 8. Before 2 they're not going to be witty and after 8 they should know better, but there's this little golden window in between where they can either get away with being a little bit sassy because they're so cute or they don't realize they shouldn't be so sassy and that in and of itself is cute.
And do you know how hard it is to discipline a child so that they don't become a garbage human when they're being so funny? It's the best and the worst and I'm never forgiving my 7-year-old for the other day when I asked him, "What do I have to do to get you to remember to turn off the light after you leave the room?" and he responded, "What do I have to do to get you to stop talking about it?"
That Time You Thought Poop Was Paint
It's only hysterical when you're talking about this with someone else. Any parent who has ever had to clean fecal matter off a non-tush or toilet surface is completely within their right to live with that grudge for the rest of forever.
That Time Your Family's Couch Was White & Then You Happened
Mainly this is funny because the parent in question allowed a white couch and a child to exist in the same home. But I mean, we loved that couch, you grubby little animals. That was a beautiful couch. That couch represented every wonderful dream I had for the kind of adulthood I was going to achieve... and you covered it in chocolate and finger paints.
That Time You Blew Up Her Spot
Kids are really, really good at sharing your secrets with the world. Like when you farted and no one heard but your child? Oh, that child is telling everyone. Loudly. Several times over. "Mommy! Did you fart? You farted! Mommy I heard you fart! That was yucky mommy! Mommy has stinky farts!" But they're also going to blow up bigger issues. Anything you've ever said about anyone behind their back but in front of your child? Your kid will let them know.
Some people say "from the mouths of babes" like they don't know what they're doing, but I remain convinced that kids live for the drama. They're like tiny reality TV stars.
All The Body Fluids
You mostly couldn't help it, you were a child, and yes, body fluids are funny (I mean, a lot of cartoon humor revolves around them, right?) but the idea of someone vomiting and being vomited on are two very different things.
And seriously, kid? On my new dress? Really?
Anything Breastfeeding Related
Obviously this does not apply to everyone, but for those who did breastfeed, it's something that takes up such a big part of your life that I thought it deserved a shoutout.
Breastfeeding can be funny when you look back on it, but the fact that it's so often a total freaking nightmare, even under good circumstances, is something your mom will never really get over. Good things can be mixed in with (or even outweigh) the bad, but you do not live through an infant biting your nipple and just move on as the same person, you know?
All The Tantrums
They're funny once you know you're in the clear and they most likely won't be happening again. Existing in their shadow, even in the specter of their shadow, is godawful, and your mother has never forgotten just how awful, even if she can chuckle about them later on.
That Time You Pretended She Wasn't Your Parent
Not every kid is devious enough to pull this one on their parent... but I was. Loudly. As my poor sainted mother dragged me from a suburban mall. She brings it up every time I mildly piss her off, which is when I remind her that she loves me and I'm absolutely hilarious.
That Time You Were Her Clone
There's nothing that will make you stare into the existential void more than your child behaving terribly... but in a way that is intimately familiar to you because it's you at your worst. It's spooky and unforgivable, because how dare you make me confront my inner demons.
The Time You Cut Your Own Hair
She still has photographic proof because, of course, you decided to give yourself an ill-fated trim a day before school pictures. And no, she's not going to forget this malfeasance anytime soon.