11 Hilariously Ridiculous Thoughts Every New Mom Has Before Having A Baby
Pregnancy can give you a lot of time to think and, well, that's arguably both a good thing and a bad thing. With hormones raging, your body constantly evolving and an impending life-change that will be noting short of monumental, there are some hilariously ridiculous thoughts every mom has before having a baby. Sure, they're relentless and kind of anxiety-inducing but they're also funny so, I mean, call it a wash?
I, for one, could not turn my mind off when I was pregnant. I thought about everything, worried about everything, examined every scenario or possible scenario or impossible scenario that would probably end up happening because, hey, you never know and I need to be prepared because I'm about to be a mom. And those thoughts only intensified when my water broke and I made my way to the hospital to try and push another human being out of my body. I had so many questions and specific concerns that seemed to make the most sense to me, but when I said them out loud to my partner or a nurse or a doctor or my best friend, were clearly the most insane. But you know, whatever, I was bringing a person into the world so that gave me a pass to think ridiculous things.
So, if you were or are like me and pregnancy and labor and delivery brought on some funny-but-kind-of-crazy thoughts, have no fear; you're not alone and you're not as ridiculous as you may think yourself to be. If anything, these 11 hilariously ridiculous thoughts every mom has before having a baby just prove that you're a normal, bound-to-be fantastic new mom.
"I'm Going To Be Pregnant Forever"
Sure, it would defy science it's physically impossible, but towards the end of a pregnancy you can't help but feel like it will never, ever, end. When you're waiting for your baby to make their timely arrival, your mind will legit start to think that you'll be the first woman in the history of the world to be pregnant for the rest of her life. You start contemplating your ability to live without alcohol or sushi, thinking, "Well, maybe this won't be that bad."
"This Baby Is Going To Ruin My Vagina"
And, of course, we all worry what our baby's, or babies', entrance will do to our nether regions. This line of thinking is stooped in ignorance about the female body, I know, and I for one am mildly embarrassed to admit that I definitely worried about my vagina and its ability to "bounce back" from childbirth. But I'll let you all in on a little secret: a woman's body is amazing, the vagina is a muscle and it's built to expand and contract and birth humans (if a woman is able and/or chooses to do so). So, while our culture throws words around like "loose" or "ruined" when it comes to childbirth and our reproductive organs, I can assure you, your vajayjay will survive like the champ it is.
"I'm Never Having Sex Again"
I probably thought this at least 122,472,048 times towards the end of my pregnancy, and especially during labor and delivery. I mean, bumping uglies is all fun and games until you're uncomfortable and constipated and in pain and pushing someone out of your body.
Of course, this thought is anything but true. I had sex again, and I'm sure you will too (when you're ready and willing, of course).
"They're Going To Realize I'm Not Qualified, And Not Let Me Take This Baby Home"
I vividly remember going into the hospital, my broken water all over my sweatpants as I checked into labor and delivery, convinced that the nurses and doctors would realize I'm not qualified to be someone's mom and, therefore, not allow me to leave with my son once he was born. It was ridiculous, to be sure, but I felt so unprepared and unsure and terrified. All the dumb things I did as a kid and young adult and (honestly) actual adult, flooded my mind. What if they find out about that one time I did that one really stupid thing? It's funny what impending motherhood can do to you.
Of course, they let me take my kid home. But man was I convinced it would be a close call.
"Do They Serve Alcohol At The Hospital/Birthing Center?"
You've gone 40+ weeks sans alcohol and you're about to either push and/or have a baby pulled from your body. I don't know about you, but I consider it a damn mystery that they don't have alcohol for patients at hospitals. (Okay, it actually makes total sense, but tell me you wouldn't have appreciated a strong cocktail after your pregnancy, labor and delivery. Oh, just me? Well, okay then.)
"We Don't Have Enough Baby Clothes"
Yes, yes you do. You'll rack your brain with all the things you think you need but, trust me, you have enough clothes and diapers and toys and anything else that precious bundle of joy could possibly need. You're doing great, mom. You're ready.
"This Is All My Partner's Fault"
Okay well this one just makes perfect sense. It's all their fault, you hear me?! All. Their. Fault.
"I've Made A Mistake. I Change My Mind. I Take It Back."
I vividly remember waddling to our car, my excited partner racing ahead of me with our go-bags, thinking, "Nope. Nope nope nope. All the nope, I change my mind. I can't do this. I take it back." It's so very normal for a soon-to-be mother to feel fearful and full of doubt when she's about to bring a baby into the world. You're bombarded with so many overwhelming emotions, and it can start to make you think that the choice to become a mom, was a terrible one. This doesn't make you a bad mom or ill-prepared or, honestly, anything other than human. I mean, at least you didn't ask the doctor if you can just keep the baby in for a while, until you're ready (because I did, and I didn't like the answer I received.)
"What If I Birth The First Alien Known To Man?"
It's normal to dream that you birth a cat or a dog or an alien, and it's normal to start to think that your dream is a premonition you're powerless to change. I can assure you, however, that regardless of how your little looks directly after they've entered the world (my precious son had a cone head, so he definitely looked like he was from another world), they're not an alien. Nope, they're just a forever-important part of you.
"My Life Won't Change That Much"
HAHA. HA. HA. Oh, this is so adorable and hilarious and so very wrong. I went into labor and delivery thinking this would be a monumental moment that, honestly, wouldn't keep me from meeting my friends for happy hour every week, or stop me from showering at a normal time every day. Oh wow, was I wrong. Having a baby is life changing, we all know this, but just how life changing it is, can only be truly understood once you experience it.
"I Know What Unconditional Love Is"
Yeah, you don't. I mean, I'm sure you have loved unconditionally before, but the love you feel towards your son or daughter exists in an entirely different galaxy of emotion. You transcend past any level of understanding you previously believed you had, and it truly is magical and core-shaking. There's no way to prepare for it, there's no way to humble yourself enough to realize you know nothing but, like Jon Snow, you eventually will and it is going to be amazing.