When I was a kid I loved comic books, my favorite being
X-Men. I liked the idea of a whole group of characters, using their unique gifts to save the world. Then I had children, and realized the super powers you gain as a mom is, OK, not really mutant-level but pretty damn close. Because you better believe there are heroes quietly serving and protecting us all... while wiping booger-crusted noses and researching the best pre-K programs.
So why don't the (notoriously feeble) general public know more about these incredible mom powers? Usually — when it comes to getting to the bottom of a nefarious plot to minimize the accomplishments of women — I
blame the Patriarchy (and I'm usually right, which is a feminist superpower... but I'll save that for another day). But, for once, I think it's actually less sinister than that. As with so much to do with moms, it's all about practicality: our children not knowing about our powers gives us a necessary edge. Because (and this isn't great news) children also have super powers. But, seeing as they lack basic concepts of social propriety or complete moral development, they are, de facto, super villains. They must never know the full extent of our powers, lest they exploit them for their own purposes because they will.
So with that in mind, here are just some of the otherworldly talents bestowed upon anyone daring enough to become a mom:
Pregnancy, Birth, & Beyond Giving birth to a baby? Um, yeah. That's a super power, friends. Gorodenkoff/Shutterstock
Let's agree to call a thing a thing, shall we? The fine art of making a hand-crafted, bespoke baby is, in and of itself, a superpower. Tell me something more gloriously uncanny than
growing and giving birth to a human. You can't do it. The cervical expansion alone is the stuff of legend! And then — and then! — some people feed that baby with food their body just makes on its own. A nutritionally complete food that the baby can subsist on exclusively for six months or more! What even is this?!
We need to start recognizing this as a power in and of itself. If you didn't actually give birth to your child, fear not! This is but the beginning of the gifts bestowed upon moms.
A superpower all moms know about is "Mom Hearing." Whether it's a natural adaptation we accrue as necessity since we're always responsible for our babies (even when we're sleeping), a side-effect of paranoia, or a special skill developed carefully over time, no one knows. But Mom Hearing is so keen we can hear a mouse fart in our next door neighbor's linen closet while we're vacuuming.
At first we just use this power to wake up as soon as our infant stirs, but over time it becomes more useful, like being able to know when toddler nonsense is about to go down, or when a school-aged child tries to sneak literally anything. They will always be thwarted by Mom Hearing.
Yes, moms have the ability to tell the future. It is a rare, coveted ability... but also a curse. For like Cassandra, the oracle from Greek mythology, they are rarely believed. I'll give you an example.
Mom: Sweetie, don't climb on the swings like that. You're going to fall and get hurt. Kid: *ignores warning; falls; starts screaming* Mom: *rolls eyes, sips latte* Told you. Super Strength
OK, I could get schmaltzy and talk about the inner strength and resilience that motherhood bestows to all those who undertake this monumental, life-changing task... but I'm talking about the fact that, under the right conditions, motherhood will actually give you
the strength of a burly mountain man.
Don't believe me? Try to pry open the jaws of a 15-month-old crumb-snatcher who's just put a trachea-sized marble on their mouth. Mere mortals can't, but moms do it basically daily. No joke, my mother once legitimately stopped a 1965 Comet with her bare-hands to protect my brother and me. An entire goddamn car. (OK, the engine wasn't on, but it was still a ginormous moving car!)
It's not an across the board telepathy. The passive-aggressive tactics of your mother-in-law will keep you guessing for the rest of your married life (OMG, woman! Just tell me what you want!), but mothers can but glance at their child's face and know not only exactly what they're thinking but what they're thinking about
doing. It's a crucial power, particularly when coupled with the related ability to glare at them and communicate your exact thoughts, which is normally: "So help me God, if you act a fool in this Target." Super Speed Kids are constantly putting themselves in dangerous situations, so you better believe us moms have the super powers of Flash himself. Shutterstock
After you completed the mandatory mile-run in high school, you may have thought to yourself, "Thank God I never have to run again."
Nope! Because you had kids,
like an idiot.
Kids are constantly
putting themselves in peril. They're like damsels in distress who tie themselves to railroad tracks. As such, parents are constantly in a position to have to swoop in just in the nick of time to save them. Usain Bolt ran the 100 meter in 9.58 seconds. But if a toddler wanders into the busy parking lot of a playground, a mom will handily beat that time. It doesn't even have to be the kid's mother. It'll be whatever mother saw them first. The Power Of Counting
"1... 2... don't
make me count to 3..."
It takes some perfecting, both in knowing how to control the power and when to use it but, in time, moms never have to get to 3. (Which is good, because I have
no damn clue what happens when I get to 3.) Invisibility
Now, admittedly, this is just a guess from personal experience. I've never actually
felt invisible or have hard proof of my powers of invisibility, but it's the only explanation for the fact that I can tell my children "go upstairs and brush your teeth, please" 10 times and they do nothing. They don't even respond. I mean... either I'm invisible or they're rude little monsters, and that's not how I raised them. Still, I should start having fun with these powers. Twenty-four hour a day, seven days a week nudity here I come! Sonic Voice The Mom Yell can carry through houses, across yards, playgrounds, blocks, and neighborhoods. It can move mountains... or at least move your kids butt into gear when they need to put their goddamn shoes on because we're running late again.
Best of all, it's the only power that can overcome Mom Invisibility!
The Power To Find Anything
Moms are incredible at finding super-duper-hard-to-find things. From the cereal that's at eye-level in the pantry, to the toy sitting exactly where a child left it to the socks that are in the drawer where they always are, we find it all. Apparently, no one else in her family is ever capable of finding these things... ever. Just as Metropolis relies on Superman and Gotham on Batman, families rely on moms for their incredible ability to find basic household items!
(I never thought this was a power, but it's the only explanation for my
family's overwhelming ineptitude.) Inhuman Endurance
Because, bless them, moms haven't slept in 7 years but look at them go. Stay super, mama.