When it comes to motherhood, I feel confident in saying there are certain aspects I excel at. I'm pretty fantastic at handling a toddler tantrum, if only because I can find that place within myself where I feel no pain or sense of time. I am exceptional at afternoon cuddles, and would win a medal if there was a contest for such a thing. One thing I know I fail at, however, is being on-time. It never happens. So, I have some questions for the mom who's never late; questions that I think deserve an answer, since silently asking myself how being on time with children is physically possible hasn't necessarily helped my situation.
Here's the thing: I wasn't necessarily the most punctual person before I had children. I was late to college classes and late to parties and late to study sessions and definitely late to brunches. However, I have grown exponentially since having a child, so I assumed that procreating was going to assist me in the punctuality department. Yeah, that didn't happen. Now that I have a 2-year-old toddler, I'm never, ever, on time. To anything. I'm an hour late to playdates and I'm thirty minutes late to his very important pediatrician appointments and I can't necessarily manage to get to work on time either because, well, mornings with a kid are a freakin' hellscape from which there is no escape.
And still, almost every single day, I witness a mom with a kid (sometimes multiple kids) arriving on time as if it's this effortless thing we're all capable of doing. How is this even possible? What in the world has she discovered that seems to constantly allude me? Of course, there's only one way to find out, so here are just a few questions I have for that never late, usually early, prompt as hell mom. Please, teach me your ways.
"How In The Hell Do You Do It?"
No, but really. I have tried everything — from leaving early to planning ahead to having a backup plan for every one of my initial plans — and still, still, I am late. I have no idea how you end up fashionably on-time for every single event you enroll your child in or attend or host. I'd be jealous, if I wasn't just in absolute awe.
"Have You Secretly Discovered Teleportation?"
Being on time for everything when you have a kid just doesn't seem natural, so I'm going to assume you've discovered some Stargate-type portal that allows you to transport yourself from point A to point B in 2.452 seconds.
If you have, and you let me use it, I promise I will only use the portal for good and I won't tell anyone else it even exists. Our little secret. I swear.
"Are You Never Subjected To The Horror That Is Traffic?"
I can do absolutely everything right — which is to say the stars have aligned and I packed everything my kid needs or wants, he hasn't had a blowout, I've managed to leave the house early and I'm running on time — only to be subjected to the sh*tstorm that is traffic. Even if I've planned to travel during usually-less-than-hellacious hours, I will get stuck in some construction disaster and sit in the car with a screaming child for an hour.
Are you the only person in your neighborhood, car, and/or state that drives a car?
"Do You Leave Your Home Two Hour Earlier Than You Actually Need To?"
At this pint, leaving in the morning for an appointment in the afternoon seems to be the only way I'll ever end up on time for damn near anything. I'm going to assume that's what you do. I bet you just live in your car and only use your home to sleep in (and maybe enjoy the occasional home-cooked meal).
"How Meticulous Is Your Schedule? Be Honest."
Are you Type-A? Is that it? Do you have every second of your day planned to perfection, so adhering to a schedule just isn't that difficult for you? I have a feeling I already know the answer to this question and it's going to make me feel like crap for being the hot mess mom that I am, so I'm just going to move right on to the next question OK thanks.
"Do You Teach A Class On Punctuality And, If So, Can I Attend?"
If you do teach a class and I can attend, please keep in mind that I will probably be 30 minutes to an hour late for each session. Sorry.
"Do Your Kids Never Throw Fits?"
Half if not the entire reason why I'm late is because my 2-year-old toddler is throwing a tantrum when we're trying to leave the house and throwing a fit when I'm putting him in his carseat and kicking and screaming any time the car isn't moving. Are your children capable of experiencing any emotion that isn't happiness?
"Do Your Kids Never Experience Blowouts?"
Do your children not poop? Like, ever? If so, I wouldn't even be concerned about their health, I would just count my blessing. A poop-free child. That's the dream, you guys.
(OK but really, if your kid isn't pooping you should probably talk to someone about that.)
"Are Your Kids Even Real Children?"
Or are you using blow-up dolls in the backseat so that you can take advantage of the carpool lane?
(Which is a thing I swear I have never, ever done. No way. Not me. Never.)
"Do You Judge Me For Always Being Late? Be Honest."
It's OK if you do because, at this point, I kind of judge me, too. Nobody's perfect, right? I can't be on-time all the time, and you can't keep from silently judging me (if only for a little bit). We'll call it a wash.
"If You Don't Judge Me, Will You Be My Friend?"
Please? I need an on-time-always friend to rub off on me. Of course, I promise this won't be a one-way-street kind of friendship, so I assure you I can teach you how to go with the flow and not freak out on the off-chance you're ever late to anything. I'll also be great in certain situations where you want to look like you have your sh*t together, because, when compared to me, you'll look like a goddess. I also come with wine nights and b*tching sessions, so if you ever need to talk about how difficult it is to be on-time all the time, I will listen.
Wait, did we just become best friend?! Yes.