Babies are such a mystery. The only way to know life is working out for them is if they’re not crying, and even then, it's pretty difficult to be completely sure. Seeing as how most newborns pitch a fit immediately upon delivery, it really got me wondering: what are babies thinking during labor?
If I had to guess, I think babies would be throwing mad shade at the situation. What, from their point of view, could possibly be enjoyable about the process of getting slowly vacuumed out of a cozy nest where you pretty much did whatever you wanted (like eat, sleep and make obscene gestures at the sonogram technician) for nine or more months? I know I’d adopt a real attitude towards the grown-ups who thought it would be a good idea to flush me from my happy place.
As I consider what newborns are thinking at the moment of their birth, I keep hearing their thoughts in the voice of Cartman, from South Park. If you're a fan or even casual observer of the show, you have to admit: the voice fits. Sure, babies may appear sweet and innocent, but once they open their mouths all hell is unleashed, so it’s all too easy for me to believe that when pre-verbal babies cry, they’re just trying to say: “Respect my authority!”
So, get yourselves in character and imagine the following things your baby could be (and probably is) thinking during labor and delivery.