When it comes to having children, there's absolutely one thing you can't prepare for, no matter how hard you research or read or inquire; the amount of patience you'll inevitably need. I was a calm, empathetic person before I became a mother: classically “maternal” before I was maternal. However, the combination of sleep deprivation, mindless repetitive tasks and lack of mental stimulation my cognitive abilities crave makes for a colossal amount of frustration when parenting little kids. Which is why, honestly, there are some parenting moments when you'll need a drink and, well, that's pretty much all there is to it.
Sometimes, I just can’t muster the strength to weather the whine. So, as an alternative, I seek wine. It's not that I'm saying every parent should be excessively drinking. In fact, I'd say that's not a healthy way to go about this whole motherhood thing. It's just that, well, sometimes you need to relax, and a cocktail or glass of wine is a great way to go about it. I abstained from alcohol during my pregnancies and while I was nursing, but once those days were behind me I welcomed back the occasional drink with unapologetic gusto (especially in the evenings and after I've spend all day with my rambunctious children).
There are times when your patience simply runs out. After all, you're not "superwoman," you're a human being. When you’re faced with another three hours before bedtime on a rainy day or when your kid embarrasses you in public beyond recovery or when you simply can't escape and you're touched out and you feel like you'e going to explode, there's wine. Whatever a mother chooses to do to help her through a difficult day (that's healthy and safe, of course) is exactly what she should do. Self care is vital and, well, sometimes self care comes in a large glass.
So, with that in mind, here are a few parenting moments that, at least for me, warrant a very well-deserved drink, because there's just not much else I can do.
After Your Shift At The Pre-School Carnival Fundraiser
Bean bag tosses only end in tears and, for the love of all things sane, who decided that allowing children to bob for apples was in any way a good idea? Show me your face.
When Your Kid Knocks Over Your First Drink
Thank you sir. May I have another? It's either that, or I am going to start crying over mom's "special spilt milk."
When Your Kid Starts To Question You, In Public, As To The Amount Of Caffeine You've Had
Your kid knows that mom needs her morning coffee (or two), and without it things aren't going to be "pretty." Unfortunately, a simple “nope” can’t end the line of questioning and, well, people are probably going to start listening in (and judging). Meh.
When Your Kid Brags To His Friends About The Number Of Nights You've Had Pizza Delivered
Look, mom gets tired when she walks into the kitchen, OK. Just ignore the fact that the pizza delivery guy knows our names by heart.
When Your Kid Starts Stomping Crayons Into The Carpet
Sure, they’re washable, except when they are ground into the carpet.
When The Children Decide That, In Addition To Being Off Vegetables, They Are Now Off Cheese, Bread, Fruit, Water And Anything Else That Doesn’t Have A Toy Tie-In
Thank you, television, for teaching my child that a meal isn't worth having unless it has a tiny, useless and cheap toy inside of it. You're the freakin' worst.
When Your Kid Tells You They Like The Smell Of Your Boobs
And then, leading by example in the use of the anatomically correct vocabulary, you ask, “What do my breasts smell like?” You immediately regret asking that question.
Fun fact: did you know that your baby can actually smell your breast milk when it's inside your breasts? I mean, kids are pretty cool when they're not driving you to drink.
When They Ask You What “F*ck” Means
And, of course, are very curious as to why you always use that word when you're in front of that cool machine that gives you "all the money." Damn you, ATM. Damn you.
When Your Son Tells You That His Penis Is The Best Penis Of All The Penises
On the one hand, it's wonderful that your son is feeling body confident and body positive and loves the skin that he is in. That's fantastic, and I will never be the reason why my son ever doubts how wonderful his body is. At the same time, I could probably do without this declaration being made, albeit proudly, in public.
When You Are Only Halfway Through The Pile Of Kindergarten Application Information
Why is this a thing? This isn't college and my kid isn't trying to go to Harvard. This is ridiculous.
When You Get Excited About The Child Tax Credit Until You Realize It Doesn’t Even Cover One Week Of Daycare
What kind of backwards math is this?
When You’ve Gone Through All The Changes Of Extra Clothes, For Yourself
Why isn’t it socially acceptable for grown-ups to wear bibs, too? Someone needs to get on it.
When They Pull That “I Will Lie On The Sidewalk Screaming Something About Ice Cream Until You Get Me Some” Sh*t
Drinks for everyone in earshot! On me, you guys.