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15 Hilarious Things To Write In Father’s Day Cards, Because You Love Making Dad Laugh

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While some families pride themselves on the ability to make someone weep uncontrollably reading a greeting card, others compete to see who can make dad laugh out loud reading his child's latest epitaph. If you fall into the latter camp, these hilarious things to write in Father's Day cards are exactly the ones you need to garner a comical moment that may even end with a sputtering spit-take that sends your dad’s drink of choice flying out of his nose.

OK, maybe laughing so hard a drink squirts out of his nose isn’t exactly how your dad pictured his Father’s Day, but scrawling a message in his card that will give him a chuckle or two is definitely the way to go. Whether you choose something quotable from a comedian and pair it with your own humor, or opt for a witty few lines from a clever greeting card company, you are bound to find a phrase or two that suits a special guy in your life. After all, you know this much to be true: Your dad, husband, brother, best guy friend — they all love a good laugh.

Choose one of these and, perhaps, you might be the person who has everyone laughing so hard that they do indeed cry over your card. Plus, being the one who brings a smile to dad’s face on the day designed to celebrate him is sure to earn you plenty of bonus points the next time you and your siblings argue over who his favorite kid is. (It’s me, dad. It’s always me.)

1. "Happy Father's Day! You may not know everything, but you sure had me fooled for quite a while."

If your dad has a good sense of humor, then he's bound to get a good chuckle out of this one. After all, who else would try to convince you that it’s the law for every kid aged 12 and up to help their dad cut the lawn? Thanks to your dad, you have a few tricks up your sleeve to use with your own kids now.

2. "You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out." — Jerry Seinfeld

No matter if your dad is a Seinfeld fan or not, he can probably recall a time or two that you poked fun at his choice in clothes. If your dad still rocks the same outfit he wore when he dropped you off on your first day of kindergarten (Looking at you, New Balance sneakers circa 1995) this is the perfect sentiment for his Father’s Day card.

3. “The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.” — Clarence Darrow

Facts. OK, almost facts. Certainly neither your parents nor your children have actually ruined your life, but it’s hilarious to point out on Father’s Day that about the time your dad stopped raining on your parade nearly every day, your kids started.

4. "Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent." — Jim Gaffigan

Because surely a dad in your life has had a moment or two where it was easier to laugh than cry. I think I’ll save this one for my husband’s card — he needs all the help he can get in the ‘laughing when you actually want to cry’ department.

5. “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future. Which is why I’m saving to buy mine a hoverboard one day.” — Lin Manuel Miranda

This funny quote from Lin Manuel Miranda is perfect for showcasing exactly how much thought goes into most dad’s purchases. It’s absolutely perfect for poking fun at a dad you love this Father’s Day.

6. "Happy Father's Day, Dad! I wouldn’t trade you for anything. Of course, nobody’s offered me anything." — Melanie White

Ha — this one from Melanie White is pretty good for a dad with a great sense of humor. He knows you love him more than life itself, but he also knows that for the right amount of hard cash, you’d drop him in a hot second. (Just kidding, Dad. Maybe.)

7. “How come my 3-year-old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can't even remember my home phone number?” — Taye Diggs

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Does this Taye Diggs quote just absolutely nail the disparity between what dads know and what preschoolers know or what? This is a great one to use if you’re responsible for giving a Father’s Day card “from” your 3-year-old — specifically one who is well-versed in dinosaurs or other random facts.

8. "When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape." — Dave Attell

This one especially made me laugh because when I was younger, my dad would answer the phone with, "Batman speaking." By now I've learned that he's human and makes mistakes, but, man, I still kind of think he's a superhero, too.

9. "Let’s be honest — you wouldn’t have this special day if it wasn’t for me."

And as your firstborn, Dad, I can say you definitely have me to thank. If you’re writing a card to your own dad this Father’s Day this witty point will surely give him a chuckle or two.

10. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” — Steve Martin

For the dad who is still reaching for the tattered school photo of you from his wallet to show all of his buddies (you know, instead of whipping out his cell phone like most humans today), this quote from Steve Martin will hit home.

11. "Happy Father’s Day, Dad. OK. Good talk."

This kind of self-deprecating humor is right up my dad’s alley, so this quote is perfect for his Father’s Day card. Also, most dads have been there with at least one or two of those awkward dad talks, right? This is their payback for all the times they didn’t quite have the right words.

12. "Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch." — Jon Stewart

Of course, you can count on Jon Stewart to deliver one for the dad with a special kind of dry humor. It’s likely your dad didn’t completely ruin you from the get-go, but you’ve probably had some hilarious bumps along the way. This is also a great sentiment for new dads who are just starting out on their journey of potential “life-ruining” moments.

13. "Thank you for raising our kids to be kind, hard-working, and capable of making their own pancakes by age 8."

I mean, you had them exactly for this reason, right? You can sub out pancakes for french toast, omelettes, or any other breakfast food you want your kids to serve you as breakfast in bed. It’s also a subtle hint that if your partner hasn’t yet taught them these things, they should jump on the task ASAP.

14. “To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.” — Ernest Hemingway

Obviously, the famed writer was totally joking when he penned this quote about fatherhood, right? Either way, this statement is perfect for new-ish dads who are still in the “I’ll change the next diaper” phase. I promise you can’t mess up your kids that bad in the first two years.

15. "The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get." — Tim Russert

With a dash of humor, journalist Tim Russert said it best what you've probably already learned to be true: Even though it might be tough to admit, your parents knew a thing or two about life. Go ahead and let dad know you’re thankful — you'll be glad you did.

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