Romper

16 Texts Every New Mom Sends While Attempting (And Failing) To Get Out Of The House

One of the most significant hurdles I encountered, but didn't necessarily consider prior to becoming a parent, was just how impossible it is to leave the house with a baby, especially during those early weeks of motherhood. Seriously, even the idea of getting somewhere specific and at a certain time, felt like a monstrous hurdle on par with hiking the Pacific Trail or swimming the English Channel or giving up cheese. Like, it just was not going to happen, despite my best efforts and highest of hopes.

In fact, I have very specific memories of the nurse at our doctor’s office telling my partner and I that we’d need to bring our son back for another weigh-in and, almost instantly, feeling completely and utterly defeated. We had already accomplished the seemingly impossible in bringing our new baby to the doctor's office once, and now someone was telling us we had to do it again? I mean, of course we were also concerned for our son's wellbeing and didn't want anything to be even remotely wrong, but, you know, ugh. Getting out of the house with a newborn is really, really hard.

Thankfully, most of people I was meeting when venturing out of the house with a brand new baby were fairly accommodating and understanding. I was definitely ready to start revisiting the friendships in my life before I could consider myself a "pro" at leaving the house with my son, and nothing made that more obvious than the text messages I sent when trying to do both. I’ve since switched phones so many records are (thankfully) lost, but here’s what I suspect texts from that time period might have looked like. Nostalgia, you're a cruel, cruel mistress.

To The Friend You're Meeting

An Hour Before Meeting Time

At this point, the excitement has been building for days, or possibly even weeks or months. You're ready to see your friend, and you have blind optimism in your ability to take your child into public in order to make that happen.

A Half Hour Before Meeting Time

You're starting to feel slightly concerned. You were going to try to leave a little bit earlier to give yourself time to find parking. Plus, the baby's mood is questionable and they could probably use a nap.

Twenty Minutes Before Meeting Time

You need to wash pacifiers, locate a specific stuffed animal, change a diaper, and brush your own teeth. You've already scrapped the idea of fixing your hair or going so far as applying lipstick.

Fifteen Minutes Before Meeting Time

No big deal. Your friend will totally understand, right?

Twelve Minutes Before Meeting Time

Hopefully no one in the grocery store parking lot is in a particularly judgmental mood.

Ten Minutes Before Meeting Time

It's at this point that you begin daydreaming about a full-time nanny. Maybe even part-time nanny. Actually, just someone else to change a diaper like once a week would work.

Meeting Time

You've accepted that anything and everything that could possibly get in the way, will be getting in your way.  

Twenty Minutes After Meeting Time

You've yet to notice that your friend hasn't answered your texts yet because you're so distracted by the tiny human who needs every ounce of your attention.

Ten Minutes After Meeting Time

Also, why are carriers so heavy? Is it some sort of conspiracy?

Twenty Minutes After Meeting Time

It takes every modicum of self-control that you possess not to start crying in the middle of the restaurant.

To Your Partner

An Hour Before Meeting Time

It's cool, they will understand. They're feeling the exact same way.

A Half Hour Before Meeting Time

A good partner knows that you don't actually want to hear an answer to this.

Twelve Minutes Before Meeting Time

He or she will also refrain from reminding you that your baby has only eaten breast milk and/or formula for the entire duration of their life.

Meeting Time

At this point, your partner will probably reply with something supportive and encouraging, and not at all expressing jealousy over the fact that you get to drive a car and listen to the radio and do other adult things.

Twenty Minutes After Meeting Time

Your partner can believe it, not because they think you're prone to mistakes but because they understand what a hot mess it is to be a new parent, and that these things simply happen.

Twenty-two Minutes After Meeting Time

It's a promise that's meant to be broken. Still, in that moment, anything helps.