Everyone jokes about being a hot mess, but are they? Are they really a walking disaster, or are they just saying that to apologize for the fact that they're not perfect? Because there's a different. Don't worry, everyone! I'm here, a certified hot mess, to give you some of the surefire signs. These play date moments will prove you're a hot mess mom will help you figure it out once and for all, so you can move forward confident in the knowledge that you have officially crossed the IDGAF Bridge.
In a world of Instagram influencers and perfect mom-bloggers, it can be easy to feel like everyone expects you to be perfect and (of course) that you're constantly falling short. But, honestly, no reasonable person is expecting perfection or, really, anything even close to it. Sometimes people say they're a hot mess because they feel like they're constantly being compared to the fictional representations of motherhood that are passed off as the real deal. But I like to think of hot mess moms as those of us who are unapologetically human. It's not that we won't apologize when we screw up, but we don't let the fact that we've screwed up make us question our worth.We're willing to laugh at how ridiculous we are sometimes, and this is clutch and very, very necessary, lest we descend into self-deprecating despair.
So what play date moments separate those of us who ARE hot messes versus those of us who THINK we are? I present the following:
You Forget You Scheduled A Play Date Until The Other Parent Calls You
You're on the couch, enjoying a rare five minutes to yourself, and you wonder, "Wow, how is this happening right now?" Then, all of a sudden, you get a text reading, "Hey, are we still on for today?"
Despite putting this on all of your calendars, you have completely forgotten about this play date. Now you're running around the house getting your kids in shoes (and, if they're my children, pants) and out the door.
At least forgetting about a play date when it's not at your house is a small blessing. There is nothing like the wave of panic that sweeps over you when people just show up to your door when you were not expecting it (because, let's be honest, your children got their aversion to pants from you and there's a decent chance you're not wearing any either).
You Went To The Wrong Playground
"Here! I don't see you?"
"Really, because I don't see anyone, actually."
"Are you at the Young Street playground?"
"Um. Didn't we say the one on Plainview?"
If the other person is cruel, they will send you a screen shot of your previous conversation that, indeed, specified Young Street.
Whether or not you forgot about the play date or went to the wrong place first, you're going to be late. This is a requirement of all hot mess moms. She's not always wearing leggings or unshowered or toting a Venti, but she's always late.
There Is Absolutely A Lollypop Stuck To Your Ass
Oh. Is that where that went? Of course. Just go ahead and peel that sucker off and deal with the tantrum that will ensue when your child cries because, no, they can't finish it.
Half Your Coffee Is Spilled Down The Front Of Your Shirt
Hot mess moms are not known for their grace, but they are known for the copious amounts of coffee they must drink in order to sustain their chaotic existence. As such, there is usually no small amount of coffee to be found on their person (and not in the cup where it belongs).
You Forgot That You Let Your Kid Give You "Tattoos"
In other words, you let them draw on your arms with a marker earlier (because it kept them quiet for a solid 20 minutes) and completely forgot about it before you took off your sweatshirt to reveal arms covered in half-smeared purple and green. At first your parent friend thinks it's a bruise.
"No," you tell her, "It's marker."
You leave it at that.
This may or may not have happened to... someone I know.
You Can't Remember The Parent's Name
Is it... Jennifer? Or Jessica? Julie? Is it a J name at all? Are you thinking of that other mom at parent pick-up who also has short hair? Rebecca! No... Rachel?
Oh well, just keep calling her sweetie and look at her license when she's not looking.
You Complain About Another Kid In Class, Then Realize You're Complaining About The Kid
You give detailed accounts of a problem your child has been having with another kid in their class only to discover that, yep, it's this person's child.
You have been too explicit and can no way walk it back or say "Oh, you know, I actually think it was Chloe R., not your Chloe!" The time for that has passed. Your best bet is to say something like "Well, you know kids. They're kids!" and then nervously sip more of your coffee. If you're going to spill, now would be a good time to do it in order to create a diversion.
You Offer Wine & Quickly Realize You Have Misread The Room
I think 4:30 p.m. is a perfectly acceptable time to have an adult beverage, but I guess other people observe the 5:00 p.m. rule more stringently?
You Sip Your Drink In Shame As The Other Parent Unknowingly Complains About You
Whether generally or specifically, there's a distinct possibility that they're griping about your hot mess self.
The Children Begin Playing In Unfolded Baskets Of Laundry
"Oh, don't worry," you assure the other parent. "It's clean."
You Step On A Conversational Landmine
Politics? Religion? Sex? You know the rule, but you're passionate and that passion has landed you into a socially awkward situation.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and you're not going to back down, but it has made this a bit uncomfortable.
You Put On Your "Nice" Yoga Pants
Because, as a hot mess, your clothing runs the gamut from "old college sweatpants" to "nice yoga pants." When you're meeting someone, you take the effort to put on the nice yoga pants.
Jeans? Good God, what is this? Dinner with the Queen?
You Reveal Too Much
About you, your relationship, your job, someone else (because you forgot it was a secret), or your body, because this whole time you've been talking half your bra is hanging out because all your shirts are stretched out from breastfeeding.
You Reassure The Other Parent At Least Three Times
Because hot mess moms get a bad rap, but we're good listeners and we don't judge. You know we've all been there and you're going to let this other person know that parenting is hard and we're going to be OK in spite of the difficulties and mistakes.
You Are Unabashedly Yourself
Who else would you even be? Hot mess moms don't have the time (or frankly, ability) to be anyone but who they are. Luckily for you, what you see is what you get.
You Regret Nothing
Let all who see you bask in your hot mess glory.