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17 Things I'd Rather Lose In 2018 Than Weight

I dread the end of the holiday season. It's not so much the end of festivities I dislike — I'm usually pretty ready to shut the whole thing down in short order — it's that I don't want what's coming next: New Year's Resolutions. Most of the time they're about losing weight, and most of the rest of the time they're secretly about losing weight. "Eating healthier" and "exercising more" are, nine times out of 10, not-so-subtle code for "lose weight.: If that's what you want, fine, but honestly I can think of so many things I'd rather lose in 2018 than weight.

I feel as though 2016 was universally acknowledged to be a dumpsterfire of a year, and it seems like a lot of the flaming garbage from that dumpster jumped into the 2017 dumpster and continued its path of destruction. So I get the appeal of resolutions; the hopeful promise that something positive is bound to happen in the coming year, regardless.

That's not to say nothing good came of 2017, of course. In fact, personally, it was a great year! But in the grand scheme of things, there was so much about it I'd like to slough off in the coming year, and the 10 or so pounds I gained is nowhere near the top of the list. There's too much other crap to do away with that would make my life so much better than being however many pounds lighter would. For example:

Beauty Standards

Can 2018 just be the year we're done with them all together? That would be fan-friggen-tastic. No more quantifying our worth based on the (highly variable) number in our jeans or what we see on a scale. Pretty will no longer be the price of admission for women existing in the public sphere. No more apologizing for posting a makeup-free selfie. No more having to wear anything we don't want or being pressured out of wearing something we do want. Long, silky, blonde hair will no longer be the one type of hair we accept as beautiful. All skin tones will be celebrated. The appearance-centric diet and fitness industries will be burned to the ground and rebuilt to focus on health, wellness, and fun.

Beauty will be acknowledged as being in the eye of the beholder. Everyone will just do their thing and those who find it beautiful will find it beautiful and those who don't won't and that won't be a problem because we're not placing a premium on the concept of beauty anymore.

This can all definitely be done in a year, right?

Republican Majority In Congress

Tuesday, November 6, 2018. That's 310 days of 2018 to get this done, everyone. Register, organize, donate, campaign, and vote.

I guess this advice stands no matter what your political affiliation, but I'm going to really, super encourage all the non-Republicans, for personal reasons.

A Trump Presidency

While we're on the topic of politics...

I know it's a long shot. I know it's without precedent. I know he won't make it easy in the (again) unlikely event that we get a crack at this, but a girl can dream.

So I guess this headline is a little bit of a lie, because there's about 250 pounds I'd like to lose in 2018.

Annoying "Friends" On Social Media

Every now and then, I take a virtual stroll through what I like to call "The Graveyard of the Unfollowed." I look at the list of all the people I've unfollowed (but not unfriended) and reminisce about what landed them there. (In light of my last two points, it should come as no surprise that most of them were sent spiraling into social media oblivion for obnoxious and inflammatory political nonsense.)

I know what you're thinking: why don't I just unfriend them? Honestly, it doesn't mean enough to me to take any action on my own, particularly since I don't really have to deal with them at all and I don't want to deal with any potential drama that would ensue from having unfriended them. But having the knowledge that they unfriended me and that I don't actually have to deal with them anymore in any way would be lovely.

Gimmick Foods

If I see one more goddamn video about this "hot new food trend" in some major metropolitan area I'm going to claw my own eyes out, cover them in chocolate sauce and bacon, and then claim them as the next hot new food trend.

"It's a fried chicken-filled taco, with waffle shell, deep-friend, then baked into an apple pie that's topped with ice cream!" "It's a rainbow milkshake, swirled with sparkly cake batter served in a 50 gallon fish tank, topped with 47 cupcakes that are filled with pudding and topped with king-sized candy bars!"

Stop. Enough. No more ridiculous food combinations. No more rainbows in our baked goods and beverages. These items exist solely for the Insta post and I'm done. Eat food that actually tastes good and that won't give you a heart attack if you eat it all in one sitting.

Articles About How Awful Millennials Are

We've been blamed for so much (the deaths of chain restaurants, home ownership, and engagement rings) that I'm seriously waiting for some smug analyst to blame millennials for the sinking of the Titanic.

Please knock it off. Honestly, these hot takes say far less about us than they do about you, namely that you're out of touch and cranky. (Or, if you're a millennial writing hate-articles about millennials, out of touch, cranky, and self-loathing.)


I feel like the wrong kinds of people lost their inhibitions last year, namely violent and oppressive racists and misogynists. This needs to be the year that more people who oppose those ideologies become less inhibited.

But to the regular, nice people who just want to be happy and do their thing but worry about what people thing of them: follow your bliss, people!

The Sense Of Dread I Feel When I See Someone I Admire Trending On Twitter

Oh my God. Did they die? Did they do something terrible? Please, dear God, not this one. Let me have one nice thing. You've taken everything else from me. Please not them, too.

The Term "Alt-Right"

Because that's not a thing. Y'all are Nazis. How do I know that? Well, I worked in a Holocaust museum and I know a Nazi when I see one. But even if I didn't, the tactics, language, and big ol' swastika flags are a pretty good indicator. At best you're fascists and, sweetheart, that's a mere baby step above full-blown Nazi.

Obfuscating language is a huge aspect of what enabled Hitler and his ilk to rise to power in Germany in the 1930s, and I'll have none of that bullsh*t on my watch. I long-ago eliminated the term from my vocabulary, and I'd like to see everyone else do the same.

Rose Gold

We don't have to give up the rose gold items we have, but maybe we can chill on making new rose gold items. It's just a lot at this point. We need to calm down a little bit.


I came of age in the '90s and early '00s, when body glitter was all the rage, so I get it and was initially happy to see a glitter revival. But we've gone overboard and we need to just stop all-together. First and most importantly, glitter is bad for the environment. Secondly, just enough, all right? It's too much at this point. We need markedly less glitter in our lives.

Male Entitlement, Ignorance, & Inaction

Women did the heavy lifting in 2017 (what else is new) with #MeToo. Now it's the guys' turn because we're tired AF.

Men: there are a ton of you and the ones I know are mostly cool. You've got this. Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, not all men, but enough men that this is actually a huge problem.

So, in 2018, we're losing male entitlement to female bodies, men pretending they don't know this happens on a regular damn basis, and men sitting idly by while we have to put up with it.


This video from @_xjjsmithx_ highlights all my feelings on contouring in a super cheeky, hilarious way. But to sum it up:

Perhaps in a better world, women wouldn't feel like they have to contour, being as it has nothing to do with experimentation or artistry. But since it's simply for the d*ck we have to do it.

So let's just let that die. In losing contour, we shall find our noses once again. Worth it.

Having To Wipe My Daughter's Butt

I've been wiping her butt for over three goddamn years. I feel like she should have a better handle on this by now. I'm over it.

"Do you really want to talk about this on the internet? Don't you worry you'll embarrass your daughter one day?"

If she has no problem making me deal with her literal sh*t, I'm not going to have any qualms about talking about it in front of strangers.

Having To Wait For The Next Installment of 'Game Of Thrones'

My 6-year-old son was literally in my womb when I bought the last book. I've waited almost seven years for Winds of Winter. Mr. Martin, tell me what you need to make this happen. Help me help you. The show has been keeping the lack of a new book bearable, but the show isn't coming back until 2019! I can only re-read the old ones so many times, George. Work with me here.

Weird YouTube Channels

Really, child of mine? You have 20 minutes of screen time and you want to watch some other kid play with a toy you own? You don't want, maybe, to watch something with a narrative? Maybe a sing-along? What's that? Oh, some weird adult opening Easter eggs? I, um, feel like this is unwholesome somehow.

*Googles these videos.*

Wait, they make how much doing this nonsense?! Goddamnit.

In lieu of these videos going away (which I suspect they won't since they're so damn lucrative) I would accept my children losing interest in them instead.

The Often Paralyzing Sense Of Anxiety & Helplessness This Year Has Induced

It's been a doozy. But, and maybe this is simply out of self-preservation, I'm feeling slightly more optimistic about 2018...

... if only we can lose the weight of all this bullsh*t.

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