Finding out you're pregnant, and choosing to carry that pregnancy to term, is a joyful experience. That doesn't mean, of course, that the entire experience is pleasant. That's especially true if you're pregnant in August, because between the heat, the sweat, and the seeming never-ending days that can make your pregnancy feel even longer than it already is, growing an human being inside your body in August isn't easy.
Listen, if you're someone who's like, "You should count your blessings! This a small price to pay to have a baby! Stop complaining!" OK, cool. I guess, technically, you're right, and perspective is always important, especially during pregnancy. But everyone is entitled to their own pain. And being pregnant in August? That's a pain. Specifically a pain in the ass (sometimes literally, if you have sciatica, like I did).
So go ahead, soon-to-be mom: complain about being pregnant in August. You've earned the right, if nothing else, and I can guarantee you that you're not alone. And if you're planning on being pregnant or simply want to understand how awful the month of August is for the gestating, I present the following: proof positive that if you're pregnant in August, you're a damn hero.
It's obvious, but it must be stated. Under normal, non-pregnant circumstances, I find summer heat and humidity to be awful. And when you're pregnant, you basically have a tiny furnace in your belly that's always making you hotter. So that plus summer heat? Ugh.
This Crap Has Been Going On Since May
All summer sucks, but by August it's been going on forever. Fore real, I was over this crap two weeks after Memorial Day. It's like, "OK, this was nice, but we're good now. Maybe we can revive summer twice more for Fourth of July and Labor Day Picnics and that'd be great. But no. August is as hot and cranky as the rest of the summer, plus the fact that you've been living it for weeks and weeks.
It's A Trojan Horse Month
Because you think, "Oh, OK, August is coming! That's the end of summer! The end is near!" But not only is it not the end of summer (summer ends late September, friends!) but it's an interminably long month! It lasts forever.
It's real. It's awful. If you're pregnant, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you've never been pregnant, it's still descriptive enough that you can guess.
Bathing Suit Struggles
The pregnant person's bathing suit struggles are vast, my friends. For example, the moment when you realize that while you've managed to get away with not wearing a maternity suit, you're pushing your regular suit to the limit. Or the situation when you've purchased a maternity suite, but now it's getting all worn and thin in a lot of places. Or the time you bought a maternity suit for a million dollars, and used it once or twice and are salty because you really didn't get your money's worth.
All typical. All annoying. All the bi-product of being pregnant in August.
Wardrobe Challenges Are Really Gearing Up
Part of this challenge is, in fact, the swamp crotch. For example, sundresses are cooler, but they allow the swamp crotch to roam free and chafe your thighs and stuff. Pants or shorts are less comfortable but, hey, at least you've contained the swamp crotch somewhat.
Being pregnant in the summer means having, like, four clothing items that work for you and wearing them all the time, and by August they're basically rags but you don't want to buy new stuff for only another month or so, so you keep pushing it.
It happens all the time to pregnant people, but the heat and humidity make it so much worse in the summer. By August, you've been waddling around on bursting little sausages for weeks.
You're Tired Of The Pity
"Oh! You're pregnant! In this heat? Oh you poor thing!"
"Oh bless your heart! You look like you're about to pop!"
Sure, it's well-intentioned, but at this point in the summer it's only driving home how much it sucks.
You're Tired Of The Jokes
Between swallowing watermelons and whale comparisons or whatever... just stop, broseph. You're not half as funny or original as you think you are.
Your Water Bill
Because all you can do to keep cool is sit in a kiddie pool or bath tub to cool down — even though it's a real struggle bus to get out of said basins — things are getting a little bit ridiculous. Like, seriously, a $100 water bill? I feel like it would be cheaper to fill the tub with that fancy water from Fiji.
Your Energy Bill
Though we expected that and it's 100 percent worth it to be able to stand naked in front of an air conditioner all day.
It's never not an issue, especially for the ample-bosomed woman, but if you're pregnant in honest you may as well charge kids to use your ribcage as a waterslide. Owning a lucrative water park would be a silver-lining to this awful situation.
But Seriously, Though, The Heat
It cannot be overstated, people! All those people who are like, "I love the heat! It's so nice!" Bring them to me so I can just scream at them for an hour. I won't even be lecturing or arguing. I just need someone to wordlessly scream in front of.
You've Missed Rosé Season
I don't even like rosé, but I still look forward to rosé season, because it's shorthand for "outdoor drinking" season, and I'm a girl who loves some outdoor drinking. By August, however, it's all but over and that's just sad.
You Sweat Through Everything
Pregnancy makes sweaters of us all, and it's never fun, but by August it's unbearable because will it never stop? How am I not shriveled like a raisin at this point? I'm completely dehydrated.
August is generally the second most popular vacation month of the year. But this year, you can't do any of the fun vacation stuff you usually do... or, at the very least, not comfortably. You can't get comfortable on the beach, you can't go on roller coasters, you can't keep up on the same hikes that you used to, and you can't enjoy the cocktail menu. It's basically a half-vacation: it's nice, but it's never great.
Not applicable to everyone, certainly, but if you live in the burbs or the country, that flowerbed isn't going to weed itself. And August is a month where everything is winding down, so you have to clear out all the dead flowers and trim back everything that's become overgrown and ridiculous through June and July and it's the last damn thing you want to do.
Waddling In The City
Again, not applicable to everyone but, as a woman who was pregnant in New York City in August, I can assure you that nothing is as bad, when it comes to the weather, for a pregnant woman, as living in New York City in August.
(With the possible exception of July in New York City, but it's all really bad, people.)
You Can Never Get To The Ice Cream Man In Time
*huffing and puffing as they drive away* No! Stop! Come back! I just want an ice cream bar that looks like a Minion!"
*stops in the middle of the street*
You Can't Hang
With its longer days and warm nights, everyone wants to spend the weekends hanging out on porches or stoops or going to lovely outdoor restaurants and you're like, "I wish the sun would go down so I can go to sleep. It is 8 p.m.!"
You Just Want To Eat But Everyone Is Still On A Diet
Look, I won't even get into the particular and pervasive toxicity of diet culture, but the truth is a lot of people are particularly keen on staying or getting thin during the summer. Meanwhile, as a very pregnant person, you're just like, "Can we please order a pizza? All I want is a pizza."
Blame it on the hormones, but everything about you is super pungent. And your nose is extra sensitive so you can't ignore that fact either.
BUT FOR REAL THE HEAT
I cannot possibly say this enough because it is the absolute worst.