The temperatures are dropping, pumpkin-spiced everything is back in stores, and the calendar says October 31. That can only mean one thing: it's time to add some spooky flair to your social media with Halloween Instagram captions. Let's be real. October 31 and Insta were pretty much made for each other. How else could you show off your Midsommar costume, or that Stranger Things decoration you crocheted that actually kind of looks like a walking vagina, but your husband is too polite to say so?
Instagram has, in some ways, made Halloween a competitive sport — like a global costume contest, with everyone vying to win "Creepiest" or "Quirkiest" or "Most Likely to Be Featured on The Today Show in a Segment called 'Inappropriate Costumes for Small Children.'"
Sure, it's maybe a little annoying to see try-hard parents dressing their entire family as the cast of The Big Lebowski, and forcing their baby into a beard and brown cardigan while holding up a sign that says "The Babe Abides." The attempts at cleverness can be a little cloying at times. And yet... a baby dressed as Jeff Bridges? It's hard not to appreciate.
Halloween has become such a massive, commercial holiday, with the ginormous yard blow-ups, and Target selling everything from 6-foot ghosts to animated monster boom boxes, and Amazon offering deals on Wonder Woman dresses for terriers. It's a lot to take in. And your brain is no doubt already over-taxed with worrying about where to find fake brains for the haunted house your kids are now insisting on making in the garage. So please... kick back with the below captions and take a breath, knowing that come dawn of November 1, it will all be but a Tootsie Roll pop haze.
1. "It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark." — "Thriller"
Why not quote one of the spookiest pop songs of all time? Michael Jackson's "Thriller" has been grooving and spooking since 1982. If you've never seen the full music video for "Thriller," stop what you're doing right now and admire those slinky dancing zombies on YouTube.
2. "Witch, please."
OK, it's a bit on the snarky side. But if you're a fan of puns and witches (like me), it's a great, simple quote to spice up your feed.
3. "We are the weirdos, mister." — 'The Craft'
It's an iconic line from an iconic film. The witches from 1996's The Craft made you covet their friendships, powers, and wardrobes. To be honest, I still want to change hair colors with a swipe of my hand.
4. "Eat, drink, and be scary."
This would be the perfect caption for a family Halloween party pic. Or a shot of you and your BFFs boozing it up in costumes. It's fitting for many situations.
5. "This is Halloween, this is Halloween." — 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'
It's not everyday that a claymation celebration of all things Halloween comes to life. That's why 1993's The Nightmare Before Christmas is still so haunting. Did you sing the lines in your head?
6. "Trick or treat yo self."
Because all Halloween puns should also reference Parks and Recreation, AKA the most quotable show ever.
7. "For the first time time . . . I feel . . . wicked." — 'Wicked'
Granted, Broadway's Wicked is far more inspiring than scary. But this line shows Elphaba embracing her emerging role as the Wicked Witch of the West. It's classic.
8. "You want to see something really scary?" — 'Twilight Zone: The Movie'
OK, so the 1960s TV show is the stuff of pop culture legend. But there's something delightful and haunting about 1983's Twilight Zone: The Movie, particularly that opening scene. It scared the heck out of me as a kid, and I always think of it this time of year.
9. "Something wicked this way comes." — 'Macbeth'
For extra geek points, use this quote. Not only does it reference the three weird witches from Shakespeare's Macbeth, but it's also the title of a 1962 Ray Bradbury novel. Oh, and the 1983 film version of Something Wicked This Way Comes will make you rethink carnival rides forever.
10. "There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life." — 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'
Is it even Halloween without a midnight viewing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show? The 1975 film begs you to memorize every word and act along. It's the cult classic for Transylvanians everywhere.
11. "I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." — 'Anne of Green Gables'
For a sweeter take on the season, post this quote. L. M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables has charmed readers since 1908, and this lovely sentiment about Octobers still rings true. This month does make the world a little more magic.
12. "Here for the boos."
Well, this one is self-explanatory.
13. "I'm a mouse. Duh." — 'Mean Girls'
Does Mean Girls have a quote for every single occasion? Yes. The 2004 comedy features a memorable scene at a Halloween party.
14. "When witches go riding, and black cats are seen, the moon laughs and whispers 'tis near Halloween." — Unknown
Add some old school cool to your feed with this quote from an unknown author. These lines definitely invoke the spirit of the holiday. Plus, it's an obligatory caption if you have any pics of black cats.
15. The best part of Halloween night? Knowing that in approximately 10 hours you can seal that motion-activated skeleton that dances to “Despacito” into a cardboard box for another entire year. #CVSOwesMeAnApology
Can they not make the dancing skeletons/witches/Snoopys sing quieter, less annoying songs? Though who am I kidding, that thing could sing "Ave Maria" and I'd still want to bash it with a hammer after my kid makes it play for the four billionth time.
16. Last Minute Costume Idea: Freddy Crocker. Wear a red and green striped apron and old leather glove with a spoon, whisk, and garlic crusher for fingers. Tell children you're coming to haunt their dreams... and bake them a pie.
Put a spin on your fave horror character! Be Jason from Halloween, but wear an actual hockey jersey over your coveralls and carry a puck. Confusion shall abound!
17. Where my ghouls at?
It's a kitschy, fun line. And if there's a holiday that should celebrate creepy puns, Halloween is it.
18. Halloween in your 20s: dress as sexy nurse, then head to loft party to dance all night and do Jell-O shots. Halloween in your 30s: dress as inflatable unicorn, then head to school gym to pass around Jell-O and tell children it's monster guts.
Lo, how I sometimes miss the days where Halloween meant dancing with a hot Indiana Jones and a hot Han Solo all in the same night...
19. While this photo may depict two grinning toddlers wearing adorable custom-made penguin costumes from Etsy, please know that the second after the shutter clicked, those penguins went for each other’s throats like feral beasts out of a nature documentary so bonkers it would have made David Attenborough gasp. #beakinthedirt
Keep it real. No matter how cute the pics may be, all parents know that chaos/shouting/candy bribery likely occurred either before or directly after the shot was taken.
20. T-minus four hours until my husband and I are on the couch eating all of our son's fun-size Twix while he sleeps. #snoozeyoulose
Show me a parent who hasn't rifled through their child's Halloween loot, and I will show you either a liar, or someone who recently got an expensive crown replaced that wasn't fully covered by insurance.
21. If I wear a sheet mask, splash of red liquid, and carry something sharp, can I tell people I’m Leatherface from the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre'? Or will they know I'm merely a mom with dry skin who's been desperately trying to open the wine with a butter knife?
I actually love the idea of trick-or-treating in a sheet mask. I could be scary and hydrated! Except my own child would be too terrified to walk with me. So.
22. Who would you rather have waiting for you at the end of a dark hallway? Pennywise, or a 6-year-old Buzz Lightyear who's just discovered he's consumed the last of his Skittles? #TheTerrorIsReal
I would most definitely choose Pennywise. Even a hatchet-wielding Pennywise. No question.
23. Posting this. Just in case the programmers at Instagram are like, "Holy sh*t guys...there's a shortage of pics of children dressed as Iron Man while holding orange buckets and being forced to smile! What do we do?!?" #DoingMyPart
OK, yeah, a lot of the Halloween IG pics all look the same. So? They're still amazing and adorable to the parents! So what if they only have three likes, and two of those are grandparents?
24. The worst part about the day after Halloween? It isn't the spilled Nerds congealed to the inside of your coat pocket. Nor is it the jack-o-lantern in the window that has now liquified and looks weirdly like Nick Nolte. No...it's the knowledge that you now have to rise from your bed and attempt to return that extra Paw Patrol suit to Party City.
Party City the day after Halloween is hands-down more horrifying thing anything you will witness this All Hallow's Eve.
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