Allegedly, this law came about as a way to deter horse thieves, to which I say: there isn't an easier, less stick way to steal a horse? Seriously? But now, I fear, it's only going to serve to make parents' lives harder. Who among us hasn't used the old "ice cream cone in the back pocket" trick to get their kid to leave the playground without incident?

"Do you wanna build a snowmaaaaaan?

Where'd you get that snow, kid? We're going to have to take Olaf into custody until we can get this sorted out.

Also, illegal? Children building a snowman taller than themselves on school property. Alaskans are serious about their snowpeople, friends.

It makes no sense, but then again, neither does forbidding someone from having two dildos, and that's also apparently illegal.

It's just as well. That name is getting so popular. There's three Zabradackas in my son's class: Zabradacka P, Zabradacka R, and Zabradacka W, but everyone calls him Zabby.

This definitely puts me on LA's Most Wanted list. Oh well, though, because there's no way I can get both my kids in bed by 8:00 p.m. unless I combine baths. If that means I have to live the rest of my life as a hardened criminal, so be it. This mama's exhausted and needs some quiet time.

Investigating and enforcing this law has to be the worst job on the goddamn planet.

Such devices include pinball machines, table tennis, or shuffleboards. In defense of my beloved home state, we were founded by Puritans whose staid and somber blood still flows through our veins. More than four amusement devices would definitely overstimulate us. First it's four ping pong tables in one place, the next thing you know the kids are all going to opium dens after school.

This Rehoboth Beach law states:

No female over the age of 5 years shall wear a topless bathing suit or otherwise fail to cover her breasts with less than a full opaque covering of any portion thereof below the upper portion of the nipple.

Joking aside, this is so absurd. It's stupid enough that grown women are required to cover their nipples when men aren't. It's profoundly bizarre when we hold little girls to this standard. "Cover her breasts?" Little girls don't have breasts, weirdo!

Verbatim, my friends:

The following shall be deemed vagrants. (4) Common pipers and fiddlers. (13) Persons neglecting all lawful businesses and habitually spending all their time by frequenting houses of ill fame, gaming houses and tippling shops. (14) Persons able to work but habitually living upon the livings of their wives or minor children.

So, um, what is going on in that morgue that you don't want us to see, Columbus County, Georgia?!

OMG, is that where you're keeping The Walking Dead zombies? It is, isn't it?!

Like, I get the impression this one was extremely specific. Like a local alderman who was sick of his kid's sh*t was like, "You know what? I've had enough. We're making a law. It's illegal to put coins in your ears KYLE."

(The only actual theories I could find about this one were speculative.)

Also, I can't help but wonder if millions of uncles and grandpas are pissed that their super cool magic trick is ruined now.

Wasn't this an especially terrifying episode of The Twilight Zone?

I'm trying to figure out if this law was made a law at the behest of are extremely thin-skinned dog owners, or preternaturally influential dogs.

Dear God, this shouldn't have to be a law! You know this had to be inspired by one really creepy dude in Elkheart who refused to stop traumatizing children when asked politely, and the town had no choice but to make a law.

It is unlawful for a person to throw stones, bricks or missiles of any kind or to shoot arrows, rubber guns, slingshots, air rifles or other dangerous instruments or toys on or into any street, alley, highway, sidewalk, public way, public ground or public building, without written consent of the Council.

Cop: Hey! What are you kids doing?! You can't chuck those bricks off the overpass!

Kid: We have a permit.

Cop: Sorry. Carry on.

But then how do the people in the Hallmark Christmas movies begin the lighthearted, snowy romp that ultimately winds up with them falling into a snowbank in one another's arms and kissing? How?!

I feel like if I had to register nudity in my home, my kids clothing habits would land me on some kind of list.

"You're going places, little Billy! You're going to be a doctor! Or a lawyer! Or the president!"

*ding dong*

"Hello, ma'am, we received a call that there's some illegal speculating about the future going on here."

"F*ck you, Bambi, you freeloader. You might say... the buck stops here."

I honestly can't imagine why anyone would eat in the ocean or why the state of Maryland feels the need to prohibit such a thing even if it happened, but here we are.

But how can you actually tell if the pigeon is scared? It's not like it can complain. And does there have to be intent? What if you accidentally scare a pigeon? Are you subjected to the same fines? Or is there some sort of lesser crime you can cop to, like manslaughter versus homicide? If we're talking about unintentionally terrifying pigeons, I'm pretty sure my son (who just wants to hug the birds!) is persona non grata in the state of Massachusetts for past crimes in New York.

Which means I know a lot of Michigan parents who would have been f**ked!

"I'm sorry I'm late, mom."

"Why didn't you call?!"

"YOU WEREN'T THERE! YOU RAISED ME TO OBEY THE LAW!"

"OH WHAT A HORRIBLE CONUNDRUM THIS LAW HAS PRESENTED!"

"If any person, who shall have previously become the natural parent of an illegitimate child within or without this state by coition within or without this state, shall again become the natural parent of an illegitimate child born within this state, he or she shall be guilty of a misdemeanor and, upon conviction thereof, shall be punished by imprisonment in the county jail for not less than thirty (30) days nor more than ninety (90) days or by a fine of not more than two hundred fifty dollars ($250.00), or both. A subsequent conviction hereunder shall be punishable by imprisonment in the county jail for not less than three (3) months nor more than six (6) months or by a fine of not more than five hundred dollars ($500.00), or both."

This law was ratified in the '60s. So it's not like we can say, "Those goofy old-timey people!" Oh, and also, this law disproportionately affects women, as men shall not be subjected to this law upon the word of the mother. So all a father would have to do is deny the child. Moms, on the other hand, can't do that.

I say this from the depths of my soul: f*ck you, Mississippi. Even if this law isn't enforced, if it's not off the books this is truly disgusting.

You know some babies are scared of, like, everything, right? My 3-year-old daughter is terrified of this one gumdrop-shaped shrubbery we pass on our way to the library. Are we going to arrest the bush?

Wait, what?

Honestly, though? Good. Because I'm still carrying the psychic wounds of the basement perm my mom gave me when I was 5. It was terrible, people. I looked like a baby clown.

There are two kinds of people who pull this move: children and intoxicated adults, and while I know this law must have been written for the latter, I like to imagine it was written for the former. Like, "No, Madison. Not only do I not have time for this sh*t, but it's illegal. So pull yourself together, get up, and let's go to the car."

Or, like, anyone. Well, kind of:

"All rogues, vagabonds, lewd, idle or disorderly persons; any person going about begging; any person using any subtle craft, juggling, or unlawful game or play; any person pretending to have knowledge in physiognomy or palmistry; any person pretending for money to tell destinies or fortunes, or discover by any spell or secret act where lost or stolen goods may be found; any common piper, fiddler, runaway, stubborn servant or child, common drunkard, night walker, pilferer, or person wanton and lascivious in speech or behavior; any common railer or brawler; and any person who neglects his employment, misspends his earnings and does not provide properly for the support of himself and family; may be sent to the house of correction in the town or county in which such offence is committed, and for want of such house of correction the common jail of the county may be used for that purpose."

But, could we bring back the bit about stubborn children? We wouldn't really jail them, of course. But maybe we could scare them into submission a little bit?

I've lived in New Jersey and, sadly, I feel like this really does need to be explicitly stated in the form of a law.

What do you think this is? West Street?!

The gang on Sesame Street is clearly pulling strings at City Hall to crush competition. Do not cross Elmo, my friends. Oh no, he will destroy everything you love. Remember, children: today's word is "monopoly."

That's right. They have to wait until the far more reasonable age of 8.

That's why I don't let me kids play in those things: they're all full of cat poop and illegal pet elk.

Thanks a lot, Toledo. Now I know what my nightmares are going to be about for the rest of my damn life.

This is what happens when you elect Lex Luthor as your damn mayor. I warned you, Bromide, OK!

(No word on whether they can jump off a roof pretending to be Batman.)

Honestly, if the kid is that intrepid I say go for it. I mean, what could possibly go wrong, right?

We've spent so much time and effort warning kids about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and unprotected sex, that we've forgotten about warning them of the perils of dueling. While Hamilton has brought the subject into the national discussion once again, it's not enough. I know it can be uncomfortable, especially if you were a duelist in the follies of your youth, but this is too important to eschew because of squeamishness. Don't let them throw away their bright future as a governor because they demand satisfaction from an enemy.

"Every person who shall voluntarily, maliciously or of purpose put out an eye, slit the nose, ear, or lip, or cut off, bite off, or disable any limb or member of another, shall be imprisoned not exceeding twenty (20) years nor less than one year."

Rhode Island: spoiling everyone's fun since 1790.

The Twinkle Toes Academy's annual spring recital was the single largest arrest in the history of the state. All those 5-year-old children, screaming for their lawyers, struggling against handcuffs, swearing at cops. Yikes. It went from a dance show to a sh*tshow real quick, let me just tell you.

Ugh. Do better, South Dakota.

So, apparently that needed to be stated?

This law came about after a very specific incident with Ozzy Osbourne in 1982. Don't mess with Texas, indeed.

So, does that mean kids are illegal in Utah? Because my kids cause a minimum of five catastrophes daily, and I don't think they're atypical.

Clearly, this is the work of that Socialist senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders. You don't tell me when to bathe, commie! This is America! I can be as filthy as I want! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Again, kids must be illegal because a child's motto is "Body Fluids Happen."

In the Evergreen State, it is illegal to sell to minors comics that might incite them to violence or depraved or immoral acts.

But can they jump off buildings wearing a towel pretending to be Superman?

Because, apparently, if your breath smells "of wild onions" you're going to have to answer to the law. Domesticated onions, I'm assuming, are OK.

You can't, for example, use one to start a riot. So put it away before I take it away, Tyler. I'll not have a repeat of last semester's unfortunate incident on the playground.

Because you're not allowed to take a picture of a rabbit that month... apparently.

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