When I was a teenager, I was remarkably well-behaved. It is, it turns out, possible for teenagers to be safe and attentive. I was responsible, studious, and didn’t sneak out to have salacious relations with other teens. (And luckily my parents don’t read these articles so I’m able to avoid hearing someone call “bullsh*t” on my view of events.) Even though I was mostly an awesome and angelic teen, I’m not all that well-behaved as a single mom. In fact, I imagine my current life decisions would resemble that of a horny teenager: There’s always a slight chance that I didn’t sleep last night and that my over-enunciation of every word is an attempt to mask the fact I’m still a little drunk. (This makes hanging out at my kid's school bus stop an inordinate amount of fun, by the way.)
The thing is that being a single mom is a constant struggle between being a loving, doting parent and acknowledging your wants and needs as a single woman. And sex definitely falls into the "needs" category. But sleeping with a single mom is a great deal like trying to get laid while still living with your parents. There’s some legit planning that goes into the removal of undergarments. And you occasionally have to scream quietly in the hopes of not waking someone up. It's a lot like having a roommate, but when you're roommate often wants you to help them get a drink of water in the middle of the night when you'd sometimes rather be having sex. So, for those of you who want to get beneath the sheets with the best of the best (that would be us), here are some things you need to know about having sex with a single mom:
We Plan Ahead
If you're out on a date with a single mom, and she makes a reference to having sex at the beginning of the night, it’s not because we are desperate for it. Instead, it’s likely a side effect of the careful planning that has gone into getting laid. It's kind of inconvenient; We have to go through the Sex Planning even if there’s only a slight chance that’s how the night is going to end. So if you end up having sex with a single mom, please believe, she definitely planned on it happening. There's basically no way it would happen otherwise.
We Don't Break Easily
We have actually grown people inside of us and pushed them out of our bodies. Or had them cut out, which is metal as fuck. A little hair pulling isn’t going to make us run for the hills. In fact, we might beg you for a little more bite. Honestly, no matter what a single mom is into in bed, she's going to be all the way into it. Nothing is more physically intense than having a baby, so there's nothing about sex that is going to shake us.
We Are Capable Of Taking Time Outs At Any Point During Sex (And We Might Actually Need To)
No matter how into the moment we are, single moms are able to stop any time if we happen to hear footsteps in the hall or a little voice coming from the other room. Remember: Having sex with a single mom is like trying to have sex in your parents’ house. And no, I’m not above making you hide under the bed if my bedroom door might swing open. This is one of those little tidbits about sleeping with single moms that I wish would be more widely circulated so I wouldn't have to ever look down at another person’s “are you seriously stopping right now?” face. Yes, yes I’m stopping. My child doesn’t need this mental image forever, thanks. We're all grown-ups here; we can pick back up in a minute. Let me get this kid a drink of water.
Some Of Our Breasts Make Milk
I don’t know if this is an issue for all single moms but for me, the fact that my breasts have been...um, nutritionally functional is a fact I’m unable to forget. I'm sure this isn't true for all breastfeeding or formerly breastfeeding moms, but for me, my nipples stopped being a fun part of sexy time after my kiddo came along. If I'm having sex and someone pays too much attention to that part of my body, I end up thinking about breastfeeding and get rather uncomfortable. Again, this could just be me! The takeaway here is that everyone is different, and you should always make sure that whomever you're sleeping with is down with everything you're doing.
Stretch Marks Are Real, And No, We're Not Going To Apologize For Them
Oh, You Want To Sleep Over? That's Nice, But No Thanks.
It’s nothing personal but unless we have the rare, beautiful overnight babysitter like a grandparent or co-parent, we are going to sneak out shortly after we finish the act. You are still welcome to put your arm around us and tell us how fantastic we are (just as a general rule, that’s always how the post-coitus conversation should go) but we're gonna have to hit the road. We've got someone waiting for us at home.