My life is divided into two sections: before my baby died, and after my baby died. I never thought I'd be even remotely OK after my daughter passed away, especially since I spiraled down a hole of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. So when I found out I was pregnant a few months later I was surprised... and thankful. I didn't, and still don't, consider my son a replacement, but my rainbow baby helped me heal in so many ways. Ways I, honestly, didn't know were possible.
Part of me still believes that my pregnancy happened way too soon. When I found out I was going to have my rainbow baby I was still struggling to get myself out of my depression, and so much of my life was heavily impacted by the trauma of both my birth experience and my child loss. At the time I hadn't received any kind of mental health support or treatment, and I had no real resources or help with which to do so. And when my son was born and had to stay in the NICU for two whole months things grew even more complicated. My trauma was compounded, I was triggered, and I struggled as a result.
But through it all, and without him knowing, my son's presence helped me push toward a healthier life; a life that I deserved; a life that had me walking in the right direction: forward. He has filled me with eternal love, and while he can't erase the loss I felt or the devastation of losing a child, he has helped me heal in the following ways: