It sounds cliché to say, but being a mom is literally the hardest job on the planet. (Yes, I’d still stand by this statement even if you asked me to consider commercial fisherman in the harsh, choppy waters by Alaska.) Your every single day is consumed with making the “right” decisions for your child so they don’t end up being a huge jerk when they grow up. Thankfully, there are more than a few fool-proof ways to instantly become mom of the year. No, really. It's a thing.
I refuse to believe I'm the only one who feels like motherhood is extremely difficult. How you talk to your child, how you treat them, how you interact with them: all of these things shape their behavior, their self-worth, and sets the stage for their accomplishments. If you’re like me, you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be the best mom you can be to your child so that, in turn, they can also be the best. If you’re not like me, well, congratulations. For real. I wish I knew what I could do to go with the flow and take the edge off a little bit.
Over the last year and a half (I know, I’m so seasoned), I learned a bunch of things that you must do in order to be on the path of becoming mother of the year. Surely, you won’t ever get there because I take first place, but you can be the second-best mother of the year. That, I’ll allow.
Since I’m so nice and giving, I’m offering up my pointers (read: secrets) and I hope that you appreciate them. It’s not like Kim Kardashian is eager to tell you everything she’s doing to remain a natural-looking and totally relatable mom, amiright? So, say thank you.
You Make Sure Your Child Always Has Clean Clothes
Don’t you know how much of an amazing mom you are if your child is always wearing an outfit that looks like it was just dry cleaned? The secret here is to not wash any stained clothes (who has time for that anyway?) and just always buy new ones. If you always have new clothes on deck, you also save on laundry detergent and that sh*t adds up. You might also consider just having your baby walk around in just diapers altogether.
You Make Sure The High Chair Is Always Spotless
You get bonus points if your child is spotless in the highchair. The secret here is to serve your little bundle of joy every single meal in the bathtub. This way, he or she can be naked while they're eating and you can do a quick wash down when they're done.
Here’s the best part: you don’t even need to waste your money buying a high chair. (I should make a list of money-saving tips too, huh?)
Every Meal You Cook Is Wholesome And Healthy
So pack up the kid (hell, the entire family) and head on over to grandma’s house. Word on the street is that she makes a mean roasted chicken and her veggies always come out perfectly cooked. Aren’t these secret tips making you feel like this mom thing is so easy?
Your Kitchen Floors Are Spick And Span
If you forego my advice of having dinner in the bathtub, at least consider keeping your kitchen floors clean after your little one finishes dinner. The secret here is to buy a dog. It can be any dog, really. Small or large, doesn’t matter. Dogs eat everything and anything that babies throw onto the floor.
Bonus pro tip: put your baby’s face in front of Fido after dinner to save money on napkins as well. Lick, lick, lick!
You Always Offer A Ton Of Sensory Play For Your Child
Sensory play is very important because it supports language development, problem solving, and motor skills. So when you have to get ready for work in the morning and your baby is glued to your legs, the secret is to just throw a bunch of maxi pads and tampons (preferably unused) onto the floor. Sensory. Play.
Now you can put on mascara in peace. (Is the Academy even listening? Where is my damn award?)
You Make Sure Your Child Gets Plenty Of Fresh Air
Short of sitting next to an open window, it’s really not always that easy to get your kid a ton of fresh air. The secret (OK, my secret) is to bribe your child with an apple while he or she sits quietly in the stroller. This is a win-win-win because you are getting exercise, your child is getting fresh air, and also getting some fresh fruit (which takes them about an hour to finish).
OK fine, there’s another win here: you get to catch up on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, and emails. You guys, us moms are killing it!
You're Comfortable In Your Own Skin
Let’s keep it real. If you’re not feeling sexy and confident as a woman, then you’re not going to be happy as a partner, as a mother, and as a human being in general. The secret to feeling your like your hottest self is to keep all of your maternity clothes when you're postpartum. Like, for months. Even years, actually. I don’t have childcare for my son on Mondays (a day I’ve dubbed stay-at-home-Mondays), and you won’t catch me dead in a pair of jeans. Nope. I’m stretch pants all day, all the way.
So there you have it ladies. I’m giving you a preliminary list of these secrets, selflessly, so we can all stand together as one unit of moms. We are all deserving of a mother of the year award (well, we already established I get first prize, but you know what I mean). Hope you are able to make use of some of these key takeaways.