Childbirth is a messy, painful, beautifully disgusting event. When I first found out about the whole pooping while giving birth thing, the idea was pretty mortifying. Then again, I was only about 10 years old and hearing about a friend's mother's birth story. "I pooped while giving birth. That's why her eyes are brown!" She laughed, I blanched. So to say there were more than a few things I wasn't prepared for when I pooped on the table during childbirth would be, by any and all accounts, a grand understatement.
My friend's mother's poop story has haunted me since the moment I heard it, if I'm being honest. I have always wanted kids, so I'd think about this random fact at bizarre times. I should also mention I'm quite prone to obsessive worrying. I would worry about pooping in labor while onstage in college (clarifying note: I was a theatre major and not at all pregnant). I would worry about pooping during childbirth while casually flirting with a cast mate. I would worry about pooping while giving birth while managing medical students' educational programming when I was 22 years old. None of these moments were anywhere near when I was actually pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or even considering planning a pregnancy. That is how anxious I was about pooping on the table.
What is that law called where you will always get the thing you want least? Well, I was pretty terrified when I was pregnant for the first time, convinced public pooping was in the cards for me. Still, I was not prepared for what actually happened when I pooped on the table.