You don't have to look hard to find a joke about marrying a man and, before you know it, becoming his mom. I've heard women kid about needing to help their husbands get ready, remind them to brush their teeth, or basically anything else you would assist a child with. I’ve heard advice about how people should refrain from essentially “babying” their beaus, too, and it’s spot on. That said, sometimes we just want to laugh t the absurdity of relationship dynamics. Because, honestly, there are more than a few things made for kids I’d love to use on my partner.
I should start this by making a disclaimer: Husband, if you read this, no I don’t actually think you’re a baby. No, I do not want to stick a pacifier in your mouth whenever you're ranting and raving about baseball. Well, usually. Dearest partner of mine, I value you and I am thankful for you and I know that you're completely capable of not only being a functioning adult human being, but you're a great father who can take care of a child just as adequately as I can.
Now that I’ve prevented my divorce (for now, at least), I gotta say there are times when I do wish my husband did certain things that he might, um, not do without being told. At the very least, he probably won't do them right away. Dishes piled in the sink because they’re going to get washed “later,” except later could be in two hours or in the year of our lord, 2020. Feel me? So while we certainly don’t want to be married to children, you must admit that sometimes it’s easier to control situations when you’re the "mom" and not the partner.
Chore Sticker Charts
Our house is a dump. Seriously. Right now, I must admit, I'm writing to avoid cleaning. A sticker charts with a reward system though (like do all the laundry this week and you'll get to go to a ball game) would definitely help my partner keep up his end of the cleaning bargain.
It never fails. We go out as a family and my husband either walks up ahead and we lose him or he drags behind and we can’t find him. I don’t actually use a leash on my toddler, and I’m pretty sure my husband would oppose (as I would if he suggested it for me), but I must admit the following with unapologetic certainty: a leash would be handy for everyone involved.
All couples fight, to be sure. But can you imagine being able to simply tell your partner to go cool off in their room? And if that's a thing you already do, can you imagine telling them to take a timeout, and not having it end in a larger argument?
Then again, I wouldn't appreciate my partner telling me to take a timeout, so...
The Three-Second Rule
Whenever my son is doing something he shouldn’t be doing, I quickly initiate the three-two-one rule. Basically, he has three seconds to "get over here" or stop what you’re doing or whatever, or else. So far, I haven’t finished counting down to three, as he either complies or throws himself on the floor in defeat. I have no idea what “or else” would even look like, come to think of it.
Still, it would be awesome if I could tell my partner, “Hey! You have three seconds to pick up those socks from the floor right beside the hamper... or else!”
If your partner has recently been, um, “misbehaving” (and by that I just mean acting sh*tty, as humans tend to do, and not violent or abusive or toxic), groundings might actually be useful. Especially if they ever leave more than your share of the parenting to you. Ground them and have them put the kids to bed and clean the house while you enjoy a night out.
Alright, so I don’t technically need to “ground” anyone into doing this, but still.
Using Alarms For Signaling The End Of An Activity
Kids tend to need clear signs that an activity is either starting or ending. I tend to use my kitchen timer and, at least for my son, it really helps to avoid any breakdowns about things ending too soon or taking too long. Yes, technically adults use alarm clocks and such, but try explaining that snooze isn’t a viable option to your partner.
Prizes For Medical Appointments
I don’t know about you, dear reader, but my partner is the worst about getting to the doctor (or dentist). Kids tend to be the same way, but we can assert our power as caretakers over them for the sake of their wellbeing. Doctor’s and dentist’s offices also tend to bribe kids with stickers and lollipops, which can sometimes smooth things over.
Imagine if they made these “prizes” for adults, though? Like, "Hey husband! If you go to the doctor, I bet he’ll have tickets to a basketball game for you after all is said and done!" I could be onto something here...
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