8 Names I Call My Kid Besides Jerk, Because Sometimes Kids Are Jerks


It's 2:00 p.m., you've just settled your 2-year-old toddler down for a nap, and you've closed your eyes for some necessary down time. But your kid isn't asleep. No, they've removed the door stop and are scraping the wall with it whilst making barnyard animal noises. To put it nicely, they're being a "naughty noo-noo." Only that's not the word that comes to mind. If you're a profanity-prone parent, never fear. I've developed this handy list of names I call my kid so that I don't call her, well, an asshole.

I'm a sweary mom. In the past, I've always been fairly unapologetic about the fact. But now my daughter is pushing 3 and has started to mimic everything I say. The first time she dropped her toy and said, "Sh*t, Elmo!" I definitely laughed out loud. My husband, however, was not quite so amused. I'm trying to temper my language, but it's hard because, well, I have a temper. My kid frequently infuriates me, but I'm not going to call her a jerk (at least not to her face). However, sometimes she really is being a butthead, so I've had to get a little creative.

To be clear, I am not advocating verbal abuse. I would never call my child fat, lazy, or stupid and am aware of the negative effects of that kind of name-calling on her self-esteem and behavior. I recognize that I may also be writing her an engraved invitation to call me a "meanie-head poo-poo butt." But sometimes I'm just at my wit's end, and if I'm going to call her something I'd rather it be one of the following than any of the more obscene options in my personal arsenal:



Yeah, I'm really OK calling my kid this name considering she is a tiny person who has literally pooped on everything I love. If I have to throw away a sun hat because you smeared sh*t all over it, you're probably getting called a "turd."

"Lady Glitter Sparkles"


I use this one when my daughter is being a little extra, like when she throws her princess shoes across the room because they won't stay on her feet. Troll-like behavior results in troll-inspired monikers.



I'm concerned that this is old-fashioned at best and gender stereotypical at worst, but I'd be lying if I said "you little minx" wasn't something that frequently escaped my lips. I typically reserve this for when she's been sneaky or gotten into something she's not supposed to, like the time she ate my chapstick.

"Turkey Buzzard"


What is this? Is it an actual animal? I don't know, but my mom used to call me and my siblings this, and for some reason it seems apropos for a toddler who has just been told not to remove her shoes in the car only to whip off her sock, scatter sand everywhere, and announce, "Ta-da!"



My '90s heart loves this one, especially because it can be extended to have multiple syllables. As in, "Duuuuuuuuuuuude." Try it. It's super satisfying to say, and it conveys a world of disappointment

"Grumpy Gills"


When I have to wake my daughter up in the morning for school, she more often channels the Dread Grumpus than Sweet, Darling Child of Mine. I have to thank Dory for this particular gem, although I don't usually speak in whale when I employ it.

"Trash Panda"


When I discovered that my daughter had been storing summer sausage, goldfish crackers, and string cheese in the depths of her car seat, this was all I could think to say. She'll put her shoes away in a row, bless her tidy little heart, but if she's within an inch of jelly, she's a disaster area.

Cotton-Headed Ninny Muggins


But only if I'm really mad.

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