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8 Thoughts Your Baby Has About You When You Co-Sleep

Co-sleeping with a baby can be a wonderful and bonding experience, not to mention convenient. The biggest advantage to having the baby in your bed (if you're nursing) at night is that you don't have to get up; everything your baby needs is right there on your chest. Even getting a fussy baby to go back to sleep is easier because of their proximity to you. But have you ever wondered what kinds of thoughts your baby has about you when you co-sleep? Is your baby being considerate of your need for sleep, or are they purposely waking you up just for fun?

I'm pretty sure that my second son (the baby I practiced co-sleeping with, and still do) was the latter kind. I thought co-sleeping would be a great way for me to get more sleep than I did with my first baby, who was also a terrible sleeper. It seems that I'm just not lucky when it comes to babies and sleep, because both of my kids put me through the ringer in that department. With my co-sleeping baby, we were up more times a night than all of the moms I knew who were co-sleeping, and it wasn't always about nursing or a dirty diaper. I began to wonder, is my baby just f*cking with me?

I could have sworn my baby woke me up just to express the following thoughts:

"I Wonder If She Misses Me"

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I love lying here in the darkness, staring at her, and watching the rise and fall of her beautiful, milk-filled breasts. Her face looks at rest, but then again, is that a flash of worry I see in that little wrinkle between her brows? Could it be that she is thinking of me and that she misses me? Now I'm worried. Maybe I should wake her up and reassure her that I am right here, should she need me? I think I should do that. She wouldn't mind, would she?

"Her Boobs Are Looking A Little Uneven. I Should Help Her Out With That."

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I am merely here to help, and when I see someone in need, I volunteer to rise to the occasion. My mother currently has one boob that is bigger than the other due to our last feeding session when, on a whim, I decided to have a nursing strike. Now, I must go and relieve her large boob filled with too much milk. Sometimes great sacrifices must be made.

"Whoa! Leaky Boob Alert! Gotta Clean That Up, Milk Lady!"

Spill in Aisle Five! Spill in Aisle Five! Mom doesn't seem to care that her breast milk (my breast milk!) has leaked all over the bed into a horrible puddle that is slowly creeping towards my cozy (read: most of the bed) part of the bed. If there's one thing I hate, it is sleeping on or near anything moist.

"Does My Other Parent Know About The Snorting Thing?"

It is quite possible that I am a shallow baby, but if it were me, I would be majorly turned off by this long snore-punctuated-by-a-snort thing that my mom does at night. Did my mom hide this from my other parent until she got them to agree to stay with her forever? Is my other parent here against their will? Where are the handcuffs? There must be handcuffs somewhere. Surely no one would be here of their own free will (except me, but not really, since I am dependent) if they heard the sounds coming out of her mouth when she sleeps.

"I'm Just A Baby, In A Onesie, Asking A Girl To Wake Up And Change My Diaper"

This doesn't feel good. Nope. Not at all. I should probably let that lady next to me know that it is time to snap out of whatever nice dream she is having about Spring Break in Cabo (or whatever lame things that she did before she had me) and get on diaper duty. Stat.

"Girl, You Need New Pajamas"

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I can't imagine you went throughout life before I came along in those threadbare pajamas with the bleach stains. Or maybe you did, but listen: I'm new here, which kind of makes me a guest in this house. Would you wear ugly pajamas like that around a house guest? I sure hope not. I mean, you do you, but if that's how you roll I have to say I'm a little upset about the family I've gotten placed into. Doesn't anyone have decency anymore?

"Why Does She Keep Giving Me This Stupid Book? Do I Look Like I Know How To Read?"

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You keep handing me this dumb book that makes little crunchy sounds when I grab it, that has dog tails hanging out of the sides (but for some reason is not a book about dogs?) and all I can think is that you have a limited understanding of child development. Lady. I'm not even 1 year old. I can't read. Why are you thinking that handing me this book at 5 a.m. is somehow going to keep me entertained for the next two hours so you can get your beauty sleep? Reality check: beauty sleep was for your 20's. You are now on my time.. So please assume cow position and commence feeding me with your udders, I man, breasts. Thanks.

Also: I see that shiny, bright thing you carry around with you every second of the day and point at me but don't let me chew on, that makes cool noises and changes colors when you touch it. Gimme that. I want that. Just give it to me and I will be quiet for another 20 minutes while you sleep I promise.

"What If She Runs Out Of Milk?"

Commence freaking out! I should probably play it safe and nurse all night long. Yeah. That's probably the way to go.