Some may argue parenting is nothing more than a little bit of intelligence coupled with a steady stream of common sense. Sure, that's a sound argument to be made, but I hail from a different camp. I truly believe there are a few advanced degrees every mom must have if she wants to survive parenting and consider herself an extraordinary parent. Furthermore, colleges should probably start offering parenting classes for those who plan on becoming a parent, because those would be super practical. Maybe a class in multitasking, or one in juggling work and a family, would be incredibly useful. Either way, parents need these degrees. For the baby shower, parents should start asking to be enrolled into college courses in various disciplines so they are fully prepared once the baby arrives.
Imagine grabbing parenting by the horns and really, truly being the greatest parents who ever lived. Having all of the answers to all of your children's questions and being able to whip up a gourmet meal in a matter of minutes? What if you could unlock every parenting mystery and understand every parenting conundrum? Well, in order to do that, my friends, you absolutely must attain advanced degrees. But I wouldn't stop at a Bachelor's either. Splurge on the PhD because, well, it's so worth it. You'll be the best parents on the block. Everyone will seek your advice and your expertise.
Most importantly, your children will respect all of the work you put in prior to having them. They will know their parents are extremely capable and will never have any kind of parenting fail or mishap. They'll never hear "I don't know," will always feel reassured, and never ever feel accidentally shamed because their silly, hardly-educated parents actually thought their laymen discipline techniques were decent. If you acquire all of the obviously necessary degrees below, you will not only survive parenting, you will crush it.
M.S. In Pharmacology
Pharmacology is the study of how drugs interact with one's body. Now, wouldn't you like to have that knowledge the next time a doctor prescribes your child an antibiotic? Or to know how much baby Tylenol to give to your child when she's sick? Sure, you can ask your doctor or browse the Googles, but having that kind of knowledge makes you feel 100 percent sure of your decisions.
And maybe, just maybe, if parents actually had advanced degrees in drug interaction they would understand how incredibly vital vaccines are. Because, let's be clear: the Google is not a substitute for years of intense training and education.
M.S. In Child Developmental Psychology
If you've ever wondered if something your child is doing a "stage," a degree in child developmental psychology is the degree for you. Biting? It's a stage. Tantrums? Stage. But what about those moments that are totally strange and seem completely out of the ordinary? Well, with a psychology degree you won't lose sleep at night because you'd know if that behavior is considered age-appropriate or not.
PhD In Theology
Because one day you will be driving your child to her dance class at 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday and out of nowhere she'll ask, "What is God?" and you are going to have to answer her. And if you don't have an advanced degree in theology, your answer may sound something like, "Uh, hmm, good question. God. Oh. Well. That's complicated. Who told you about God? God, huh? Hmm. Well. He is... umm... or she is... umm. Some people believe in God and some people don't. But you don't have to. Unless you want to. Or, umm, yes. Let's talk about this later. OK?"
Wouldn't it be much easier to just pay the tens of thousands dollars and just get that degree? Imagine how amazing your answer would be! Probably way more eloquent than the totally hypothetical one mentioned above. That I totally made up and that totally did not happen to me. Totally.
BS In Early Childhood & Secondary Education
Because wouldn't it be great to be able to teach your child the way you want your child to be taught? Wouldn't it be fantastic to provide your child with the individualized attention your child craves and needs? How amazing would it be to be knowledgeable in all of the latest pedagogy theory and apply that theory to create an individual who is eager to learn for the sake of learning and not for the sake of getting a good grade?
PhD In Philosophy
"But, why?" is the question that I hear approximately 46,938 times a day.
"Why is the sky blue and the grass green?"
"Why do cars drive?"
"Why do people walk and why can't they fly?"
"What is the meaning of life?"
"To be or not to be?"
With a philosophy degree, parents would easily navigate all stages of toddler-questioning and foster curiosity and the love for learning.
MS In Structural Engineering
Have you ever tried putting together a toy with approximately 237 parts while your toddler whines by your side because it's taking you way too long? Neither have I. Friends, that is what my husband is for. But, with a structural engineering degree, parents everywhere would be able to just effortlessly connect the dots and build magnificent toys without any hesitation.
PhD In Mathematics
Because have you seen math in elementary school? My husband majored in physics and minored in math and he has difficulty understanding what the math textbook wants from our second grader. Why oh why is math so hard?
BS In Culinary Arts & Science
For every picky eater under the sun (which seems to be every single toddler out there) parents must possess a degree in culinary arts. With such a degree, you'll be able to make intricate meals that your child can throw on the floor or that go straight into the trash. Just imagine how satisfying it would be knowing you spent hours creating the perfect lunch for your pre-schooler, only to open the lunchbox at the end of the day and see your creation hardly eaten. But at least you'll know the half-eaten lunch isn't a comment on your cooking skills, cause those are always on point.
Also, imagine how incredible your crust-free peanut butter and jelly sandwiches will look.
MS In Anatomy
Just trust me on this one. It'll come in handy.