If there's one thing that almost every mom can agree on, it is how much we all hate changing diapers in public. Changing a diaper in general is no picnic, especially when you've got a squirmy, screaming, kicking baby who wants none of it. The added element of an audience and the lack of the comforts of home makes things next-level insufferable. There are a lot of potential embarrassing moments when you do a public diaper change, too. That's because, when you're working under pressure, there are sure to be some snafus. For example, realizing you left the house without any diapers mid-change. Oops.
I have a lot of experience changing my kids in public because I am terrified of public changing tables. When I was pregnant with my first, one of the (many) things that kept me awake at night was my fear of having to use a public changing table once my kid was born. Seriously. (I know, I have problems). I became an expert in changing my children inside their strollers, changing them while standing on park benches, and even in changing rooms in stores. There is probably a special place in hell for people like me and I swear I cleaned up after myself every time.
Then again, maybe it is enough that I suffered through some of these embarrassing moments during my public diaper changing adventures, right? I mean, I don't know. You decide.
You Can't Find The Freaking Diapers Or The Wipes And Your Kid Is Crying Hysterically
Most of the time your kid is fine to hang out in a saggy, nasty diaper for hours. Every time you attempt to change it, the kid flips out like you've just suggested the two of you take a nice walk into a pit of hungry alligators.
But now, of course, your cherub is screaming at the top of their lungs like there is nothing they find more offensive than a moist Pampers on their bottom. Of course, you have just done "The Big Haul" at the grocery store and your diaper bag is way at the bottom of the stroller. Like, underneath the giant box of clementines and the two melons you bought at the greenmarket because you were feeling fancy today. So here you are, far from any changing place and, for the life of you, you cannot find those freaking diapers while your kid wails in the background. Bring on the under-boob sweat, my friends.
You Are Forced To Ask Strangers If They Might Have An Extra Diaper On Hand And Realize You Are The Only Person Of Child-Bearing Age
Quick! You look left, you look right. Someone must have a diaper on them around here, right? Wrong. Even though you live in a part of town where it feels like 10 people on the sidewalk are either pregnant or pushing a baby carriage, there is not a soul in sight under the age of senior citizen. Why?
Your Attempt To Casually Change Your Kid Anywhere But Inside An Actual Public Bathroom Is A Total Fail
Since I am a Top Tier Grade A Number One Germaphobe, I avoid public restroom changing tables at all costs. However, I admit that I've made some really bad and selfish decisions when it came to changing my kids in public in the name of "my own you-know-what doesn't stink." I
once thought it would be cool if I changed my newborn on the outside cafe table at a wine bar during lunch. You know, he's a tiny baby with tiny baby poop. How horrible could it be? Um. Yeah. It turned out to be pretty horrible. Looking back, I know that was way not OK to put any tushie (no matter how tiny) near the Tempranillo.
You Get Dirty Looks From Every Passerby
As my kids got older, and I went the "stand up diaper" route; as in, "Here kid, just stand here on this bench while I pull down your pants and do a quick changeroo." It's safe to say that method wasn't always smiled upon by strangers. I guess it is one thing if you're in a playground and there are other moms around who totally get it. It's another thing if you're in the middle of a busy city street and you're just flashing the general public.
You Are Pretty Sure Everyone Has Tagged You As "That Mom"
Oh yeah, that's me! I'm the mom who thinks she's better than the Koala Kare changing table in Barnes & Noble that everyone else's kid has spread their feces on. Then again, who is stopping you from following my lead? Anyone can learn the art of the stroller diaper change. It is super easy: just lean the stroller seat all the way back, spread your changing pad underneath your kid, and commence diaper change. Just try to letting any poop pellets roll off of the diaper and into your stroller seat.
The Dreaded Poop Rolling Onto The Stroller Situation (Kill Me Now)
Like I said, you can try to avoid it but sometimes it happens. Yeah, it is not cute. Once in a while, the poop pellets from your kid's diaper make a great escape from the diaper and into the crevice of your stroller seat if you are not careful.
However, if you are quick to act, and observant, you can catch it with a wipe before any damage can be done. Note: it is very likely that other people will be watching you at the exact moment this is happening, so be prepared to be judged heavily by an audience.
At Least One Older Person Has Informed You Of How Cold It Is Outside
Fun fact: a helpful older person will often let you know that it is cold outside when you are in the process of changing your child's diaper in the great outdoors.
You Panic And Convince Yourself You Don't Even Remember How To Change A Diaper In The First Place
If your child is kicking and screaming as you try to change his diaper, as my first son often was, I would sometimes go into a panicked state wherein I would forget that I was a mother who was skilled at changing diapers. Where does this thing go? How do I get the tab on this side to stick without making the other side unstick? And by the way, who the hell is this child? Where did he come from?
You know, average kinds of musings that I'm sure we all have every now and then. Right?
You Get Poop On Your Hands And It Is Obvious
Oh, this? This brown smudge on my finger that just appeared after my kid's disgustingly smelly diaper change? That's just some mushy brownie that I touched right after changing this diaper. These average Costco baby wipes should do the trick on sanitizing my hand until I find some heavy duty soap. Sure! Anyway, carry on.