I'm 35 weeks pregnant and already the questions are coming my way. "Have you had that baby yet?" "When is that baby coming?" "OMG it feels like you've been pregnant forever!" And while I get that people are excited and I should be grateful that so many individuals are invested in my ability and choice to reproduce, I have to ask: why?! Honestly, why are you asking a pregnant woman if she has had her baby yet? Do you think I will pop this kid out and not tell you about it? That I'll have a super secret child and wait until the kid is 5 before I introduce him or her to anyone?! Come on now, people. If I haven't introduced a baby to you all, the baby hasn't arrived yet.
Alright, so I sound grumpy. I own it. I know that I'm letting other people's natural curiosity and well-meaning inquisitions get the better of me. But I've been pregnant for so damn long, you guys, and constantly being reminded I'm still pregnant certainly isn't helping the situation. Every time someone asks me whether or not I've given birth I'm stuck in what feels like a no-win situation. I can only say, "Nope, still pregnant!" so many times in a day before my head threatens to explode. And I don't want to continue to indulge this particular question, lest I am asked every day until I lose my mind.
So do the pregnant woman in your life a favor, my friends, and stop asking her if she has had her baby yet. She will tell you when the little on arrives. In fact, chances are she will tell you when she goes into labor so you can anticipate the baby's arrival all on your own. And as she nears her due date or watches it pass her by, here are some things you can do instead of bugging her about her baby's birthday:
Ask If She Needs Food
In fact, you don't even have to ask. Just assume she hasn't had anything to eat in the last 30 minutes and act accordingly. Bring over a home-cooked meal, stock her freezer with easy-to-heat-up casseroles, and supply her with snacks.
Hand Over Your Netflix Password
If the pregnant woman in your life doesn't have access to Netflix, you're failing her in a monumental way. Offer up your password so she can watch show after show and to her heart's content. Not only will a steady stream of entertainment help her pass the time, but it will certainly come in handy when she's up at 2:00 a.m. and feeding a very hungry baby.
Make Sure You Have Your Flu Shot
If you want to hold that baby when he or she finally arrives, you better be vaccinated and you better have had a flu shot. Don't make it awkward for the new, tired, overwhelmed new mom. Just go get the damn shot, make sure to wash your hands, and help the brand new parent in your life feel at ease when you come over to hold that precious newborn.
(Plus, the flu shot will protect you from, well, the flu. You don't want to deal with that garbage illness, do you?)
Offer To Watch Her Other Kid
Whether it's a fur baby or a real baby, offer to watch her older offspring so she can take some time to herself. Maybe she wants to go to a solo matinee movie, or perhaps she needs some one-on-one time with her partner sans their spawn. Either way, put yourself to good use and help her enjoy some "me time" before another baby comes into her life.
Tell Her She Looks Fantastic
Don't talk about "how pregnant" she looks. Don't say she's "ready to pop," people. My god she's not a balloon. Don't tell her she looks miserable because, chances are, she's already feeling extremely uncomfortable. Just tell her she looks magnificent or, better yet, don't comment on your outward appearance at all.
Talk To Her About Literally Anything Other Than Pregnancy
You know what your pregnant friend probably doesn't want to talk about? Pregnancy. She's been pregnant for what feels like forever, so believe me when I say she'd rather discuss politics or the failings of the DC universe than anything that isn't directly related to gestation. Remember, she's more than her pregnancy, so treat her like the intelligent person she is and talk to her as if she wasn't carrying another human being inside her body.
Listen To Her Vent
If she does want to talk about her pregnancy (and how much, at this point, it probably sucks) let her. Don't talk. Don't interrupt. Don't offer her sweet promises of relief. Just let her bitch about the swelling and the heartburn and the insomnia and the whatever else is causing her extreme discomfort. She has earned the right to vent.
Offer To Take Her Out
Pretty soon there's going to be a newborn in this pregnant woman's life, and that newborn will need to stay home for a while before they are a vaccinated and ready to brave the big bad world of germs. So take the soon-to-be mom out on the town before her baby arrives. Whether it's a movie or her favorite restuarant or just a walk around the park to try and get that baby out, help her get out of the house. Not only will it help her pass the time, but it will end up carrying her through those weeks when she won't leave the house at all.
Leave Her Alone
Seriously, just let her be. Don't ask intrusive questions. Don't bug her about the due date that has come and gone. She knows she doesn't have a baby yet, trust me, and she will let you know when that baby finally arrives.