Becoming a mother for the first time is an adjustment period, to say the least. It can take months, even years, before new moms begin to feel like themselves again. Then again, there are those of us that have lost all concept of what feeling like ourselves even means; the ones that decided to postpone sanity in order to experience some version of cruel and unusual punishment; the ones with two children under two, which is the greatest struggle to ever struggle. You know, the ones that, clearly, lost their reproductive minds.
Having two kids is surprisingly different than having one, especially if they're close in age. In fact, it makes a person reconsider the whole, "one and done" concept. Sure, spreading out the age of our children would have been convenient and fiscally responsible; it would have allotted our bodies enough time to recover from the first pregnancy; it would have given us time to wrangle our hormones into a somewhat sane submission.
But who needs sanity when we have two precious, screaming, needy, dependent, adorable dictators to monitor 24/7? Who needs sleep when they can experience the sort of high that only months of sleep deprivation can (and will) provide? Ugh, who am I kidding; having two kids under the age of two is f’ing hard sometimes I seriously question what in the hell I was thinking. Oh, and by "sometimes," I mean all the damn time. It is perhaps the greatest struggle that has ever struggled in the history of struggling, and it's one that I took on willingly because I love my babies and I am a masochist and, well, I love my babies.
If you're a mother of two children under two, you already know the struggle because you live the struggle and I tip my figurative cap to you in solidarity, sweet friend. If you're not, well, here are nine moments that only mothers of two under two could ever understand:
Nap And/Or Bedtime
Naps and bedtimes are hard enough with just one child. Throwing an infant into the mix only complicates an already tricky routine. There’s only so much rocking, reading and (albeit terrible) singing a girl can do before she starts to question her previous decision to abandon her contraception.
It never fails: just when you think you’ve got them both down, and you are retreating out of their peaceful abode with the caution reserved for tactical units, a floor will squeak, a dog will bark or a toy will start to spontaneously sing. And then, well, round two of rocking, reading and singing begin.
Laundry day is no longer just one "day," with two under two. It can only be accurately compared to a real life version Groundhog Day, but without the comedic value. You haven’t played hide-and-seek until you’ve played it with toddler socks and infant mittens. Tracking those tiny garments down every day is enough to make us seriously consider relocating to a nudist colony.
Feeding two under two basically requires degrees in both psychology and physics and gastronomy. Not only does it require twice the food prep, it also produces twice the waste and twice the disappointment. It involves bottles, baby food, juice, bribery and a daily disappearing act put on by green beans. However, we will continue to fight the good fight for tomorrow is a new day and we have stocked up on enough shredded cheese to fill an oversized trunk. Those veggies don’t stand a chance
Trips To The Grocery Store
Remember when a trip to Target was the highlight of your responsibility-free existence? Enter toddler and baby. Those trips now involve strategic parking next to the carts and completely mapped out routes of the store, so as to get in and out as quickly as humanly possible. The longer we linger, the more we risk subjecting the public to the hell that is double baby tantrums.
Finding A Sitter
Not only is the cost of childcare for two enough to make you want to crawl into a ball and ugly cry, but finding a reliable sitter that is up for the task of watching two children under the age of two, is downright daunting. Remember when everyone in your family was chomping at the bit to get their hands on your first baby? Well, suddenly they’ve become too old and tired to handle two at once. Even though it was just, you know, last year when they were basically kidnapping your firstborn.
Pediatric nurses and physicians are angels sent from heaven (or maybe aliens from another planet, but you get the idea). How they wrangle these tiny, uncooperative kids long enough to evaluate and treat them and tell me what they think and/or what I need to do, is a miracle in my eyes.
Cleaning The House
Cleaning house with a baby and a toddler running around is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos; completely counter-productive. That's basically all there is left to say.
The Moments Before You Have Coffee
The moment those screaming alarm clocks wake us up in the morning, time doesn't stop. From the bottles, to the breastfeeding, to trying to convince your toddler that oatmeal isn’t “icky poo,” it’s a circus in our respective houses.
Soldier on, ladies. Soldier on.