10 Things I'd Rather Do Than Go To Mother's Day Brunch

Mother's Day is coming. In preparation, families across the country are going back and forth on big group texts making plans: OK, what's the plan? What are we doing? Who's in? When is everyone available? Ultimately, millions will wind up going out to eat, often for brunch. But let me tell you about all the things I'd rather do than go to Mother's Day brunch, you guys. Because trust me when I say there are other options. No, really. There are! There really are.

It's not that I don't like brunch. In fact, you will find no bigger brunch fan than me. I mean, what's not to love? There's a wide variety of foods — most notably including breakfast, lunch, and dessert — drink specials, coffee on call, and everyone expects you to be all leisurely about it. It's such a lovely dining experience.

But everything I love about brunch is absent on Mother's Day, and therein lies the problem. I understand that with so many people out and about and in need of a table for 47 people because grandma was Catholic and super-fertile, there are going to have to be some adjustments in order for everything to not turn into a raging dumpster fire. But I just want no part of it, especially when there are a whole bunch of other ways to have fun and it's my day. So with that in mind, here are just a couple of things I'd rather do than go to brunch on Mother's Day. Yes, you should be taking notes.

Staying In Bed Until I Damn Well Please

Before I had children, do you know how I woke up? On weekdays it was to the sound of my alarm, usually a song of my choosing that eased me into alertness. On weekends, I was awoken by my body's own natural alarm clock at any hour I wanted and it was glorious.

Do you know what woke me up this morning at 6 a.m.? My daughter, shoving her face in mine and saying, almost singing, "Guess what I'm hungry for for breakfast? A smoooooothiiiie!"

So, on Mother's Day, rather than waking up in time to get dressed (and, let's face it, get everyone else dressed) and head over to a crowded restaurant, how about y'all just let me sleep until I feel like not sleeping anymore? (Which doesn't guarantee I'll be getting out of bed, by the way.)

Quiet Home Breakfast With Coffee & A Book

"Quiet mornings," are, as far as most moms are concerned, a legend; a myth from days of yore that we can't be sure ever truly existed. What a treat, then, to let me just relax (on the couch, on the porch, in bed, in the bathtub, literally anywhere in the home) with a cup-o-joe and something to read. No interruptions, no noise (or, like, let's be realistic here, no ridiculous levels of noise), and absolutely, positively no one asking for anything. Just mom, coffee, and a good book. This may require all other humans to be out of the house for a little while, but so be it.

'Golden Girls' Marathon In My Pajamas

My children are the people who have brought me the most joy, love, and laughter in my life... but The Golden Girls come a close second. An uncomfortably close second, sometimes, because none of the Golden Girls have ever pooped on me.

I own all seven seasons on DVD and welcome any opportunity to get cozy and laugh my head off. I'd much rather spend my morning and/or afternoon with Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia, than with a bunch of other diners (half of whom probably don't really want to be there) and an overwhelmed waitstaff who (very reasonably) want nothing more than to turn over tables so the next 900 people can come in and have french toast.

Go To A State Park

No joke? A visit to a state park inspired me to move to my town. It wasn't the only motivation, of course, but these beautiful natural preserves are such a great resource and people should enjoy them more frequently. Go hiking, chill in a folding chair sunning yourself, play frisbee, splash around in a river or the ocean or whatever. Enjoy nature because, let's face it, who the hell knows how much longer we even have it for, right?

Go On A Picnic

Because sometimes I do want to eat on Mother's Day. Who doesn't enjoy a good meal with friends?! Let's just, you know, pack that meal in a cooler or tastefully appointed basket and bring whatever we want to nosh on outside on a big pretty blanket. You can even make it a potluck where every family brings something to share. Or go ahead and make what you want for the people in your immediate family so everyone has exactly what they'll eat (because #kids #MyChildrenOnlyEatFiveFoods). Unlike a Mother's Day brunch, you can be leisurely about this, and the day can organically move from a meal to, like, flying a kite or taking a stroll or whatever. It's just way more low-key.

Pay $30 Per Person To Not Eat A Mediocre Frittata

Again, I'm not knocking individual restaurants here, but even at a great establishment Mother's Day is not going to be their finest hour. Because of the large numbers of bigger-than-average parties, the menu is likely going to be limited, the dining experience will almost certainly be rushed, and everything is going to be overpriced. So, yeah, I'll pass. I know how to make eggs.

Take A Class

Any kind of class you want! Painting, yoga, cooking, herbal medicine, woodworking, spin, basket weaving, mixology... you name it!

Being a mother is (in part) about constantly learning and growing, so what better way to celebrate Mother's Day than to spend it learning something new!

Go To A Museum

This may not be a great idea depending on how old your children are (kids with no concept of boundaries don't do so well in places with a lot of red velvet ropes), but if your kids are older (or if you're spending the day without your little mom-makers, maybe just you and your mom), a museum is a nice option! Get your culture on, mama! And if you go during brunch-hour, maybe it won't be as crowded? I don't have any stats to back that up, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Make My Own Damn Mimosas

I understand that a "bottomless mimosa" brunch should have weak mimosas, but there's a limit to just how "weak" these drinks should be, people. And if it's not bottomless? Pass. Because the OJ is a formality to make drinking before noon socially acceptable and you know it. We're here for the champagne. Do no skimp on the champagne, folks!

Alas, they never seem to get the proportions right, so I'd rather just stay home with a bottle of bubbly and a carton of Tropicana and just do my own thing.

Go To Brunch Literally Any Other Time

Any. Other. Time. People. Brunch is beautiful and we should do it as many Sundays as possible... just not Mother's Day.