For The 'Gram

Happy pregnant woman smiling and holding her belly
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32 Clever & Hilarious Pregnancy Instagram Captions When You Literally Can't Even

So. Many. Unpredictable. Moments.

Originally Published: 

People love to tell pregnant women about the magical time they’re in, how incubating a human makes them glow. But real talk: it’s not always as dreamy as they say. There’s the pressure on your bladder to begin with, something that makes all too many of us suddenly question our continence. Then there’s the hormones which can have you cackling wildly one moment and weeping the next. Sure, it’s magical if your meaning of magic is a lowkey feeling of madness. That’s why we need these funny and clever pregnancy instagram captions for when you literally can’t even.

Tell it like it is on social media rather than putting up faux statements about the perfect pregnancy. Your friends will appreciate your honesty and your fellow pregnant posse will salute your humor. Because, ladies, we’re all in this together. Even though we know the end result will be the sweetest, most darling, best possible thing in the entire world, the journey is a veritable gameboard of weird body discoveries, bizarre requests from strangers (can I touch your belly?), and one too many trips to the restroom. Land on a locked porta-potty at the wrong moment and it’s game over. Might as well laugh at the 40-ish week mayhem along the way.

The Trials and Tribulations of Body Changes

  • (Holding tub of ice cream) “My mind’s telling me no, but my body is telling me ‘yes’”
  • “When I bump, you bump, we bump.”
  • “Pregnancy is 9 months of cheat days.”
  • “Being pregnant finally helped me understand what my true relationship was with my body” “meaning that it wasn’t put on this earth to look good in a swimsuit,” -Amy Adams
  • “Bra off. Hair up. Belly out.”
  • “I know my baby is going to be an overachiever. I reached my healthy pregnancy weight gain limit in the first trimester.”
  • “I’m at the stage in my pregnancy where people don’t know whether to congratulate me or buy me a gym membership.”

On Constant Discomfort

  • “I was told there would be glowing”
  • In the words of Leslie Knope, “Everything hurts and I’m dying.”
  • “I have two brains in my body. I’ve never felt so dumb.”
  • “Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes”
  • “Wishing I could sleep, but someone is using my stomach for their own personal bounce house!”
  • “Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.” – Rita Rudner
  • “Months have an average of 30 days, except the 9th month of pregnancy which has about 1,000 days.”
  • “To pee or not to pee. That is never the question. Pee.”

On Awkward Moments

On Awkward Moments

  • “Don’t ask me why I am crying because I don’t know.”
  • “Waiting for this baby is like picking up someone from the airport but you don’t know who they are or what time their flight comes in.”
  • “Hormones and no alcohol. Interact at your own risk.
  • “Telling the world you are pregnant is like telling the world you had unprotected sex.”
  • “Being pregnant during winter is like getting your hair done and then wearing a hat.”
  • “When people congratulate me, I like to say, “For what?” and watch them panic”

On Calling People Out

  • “I’m having a natural childbirth in that it’s natural to take drugs that lessen the pain.”
  • “I grow humans. What’s your superpower?”
  • “You don’t realize how many people your friends hate, until you have to name your baby.”
  • “Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.” ― Erma Bombeck
  • “Everybody leave me alone. I’ve had a busy day being pregnant and I have to do it again tomorrow.”
  • “I am not Buddha. Rubbing my pregnant belly will not bring you good luck, prosperity, or wealth.”
  • “Ask me the gender and due date one more time.”

On the Reality of Child Rearing

  • “Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”― Marshall McLuhan
  • “Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” —Nia Vardalos
  • It's like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.
  • “Growing tiny humans is so exhausting.”

Feeling better already, right? Feel free to steal these captions for your own Insta preggo moments.