People love to tell pregnant women about the magical time they’re in, how incubating a human makes them glow. But real talk: it’s not always as dreamy as they say. There’s the
pressure on your bladder to begin with, something that makes all too many of us suddenly question our continence. Then there’s the hormones which can have you cackling wildly one moment and weeping the next. Sure, it’s magical if your meaning of magic is a lowkey feeling of madness. That’s why we need these funny and clever pregnancy Instagram captions for when you literally can’t even.
Tell it like it is on social media rather than putting up faux statements about the perfect pregnancy. Your friends will appreciate your honesty and your fellow pregnant posse will salute your humor. Because, ladies, we’re all in this together. Even though we know the end result will be the sweetest, most darling, best possible thing in the entire world, the journey is a veritable game board of
weird body discoveries, bizarre requests from strangers ( can I touch your belly?), and one too many trips to the restroom. Land on a locked porta-potty at the wrong moment and it’s game over. Might as well laugh at the 40-ish week mayhem along the way with these funny pregnancy Instagram captions that you can really use anywhere, anytime. The Trials and Tribulations of Body Changes Felt cute, might eat later. That feeling when your feet spill out of your shoes. #swole Peezing; sneezing and peeing at the same time. Enough said Wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble. At this point, I’m the one who needs a diaper. (Holding tub of ice cream): My mind’s telling me no, but my body is telling me ‘yes’ When I bump, you bump, we bump. Pregnancy is 9 months of cheat days. “Being pregnant finally helped me understand what my true relationship was with my body... meaning that it wasn’t put on this earth to look good in a swimsuit,” -Amy Adams Bra off. Hair up. Belly out. I know my baby is going to be an overachiever. I reached my healthy pregnancy weight gain limit in the first trimester. I’m at the stage in my pregnancy where people don’t know whether to congratulate me or buy me a gym membership. On Constant Discomfort Ahh, so this is what they meant by “birthing hips.” Stretch marks the spot. People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death. Who knew heat stroke was a side effect of pregnancy? Pregnancy: A condition that makes you pee when you laugh and puke when you cough! I was told there would be glowing In the words of Leslie Knope, “Everything hurts and I’m dying.” I have two brains in my body. I’ve never felt so dumb. Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes. Wishing I could sleep, but someone is using my stomach for their own personal bounce house! “Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.” – Rita Rudner Months have an average of 30 days, except the 9th month of pregnancy which has about 1,000 days. To pee or not to pee. That is never the question. Pee. On Awkward Moments I love insomnia! And having to pee five times every night! And this dried out hair and blotchy skin!… Said no pregnant woman ever. Not a waddle. Just pregnancy swag. My belly is now driving my car. I guess being pregnant really is a superpower. I didn’t want to wear jeans anymore anyway. I figured I’d have to explain where this baby came from to my kids. But I draw the line at spelling it out for the neighbor kids. Don’t ask me why I am crying because I don’t know. Waiting for this baby is like picking up someone from the airport but you don’t know who they are or what time their flight comes in. Hormones and no alcohol. Interact at your own risk. Telling the world you are pregnant is like telling the world you had unprotected sex. Being pregnant during winter is like getting your hair done and then wearing a hat. When people congratulate me, I like to say “For what?” and watch them panic On Calling People Out Eva Blanco / EyeEm / Getty images Consider my resting bitch face caution tape. Hands off. No, for the last time, I’m not having twins. I’ll see your side-eye and raise you a pregnancy-hormone-fueled heavy sigh. This baby hasn’t even been born yet. Kindly keep your parenting opinions to yourself, mmkay? I’m having a natural childbirth in that it’s natural to take drugs that lessen the pain. I grow humans. What’s your superpower? You don’t realize how many people your friends hate, until you have to name your baby. “Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.” ― Erma Bombeck Everybody leave me alone. I’ve had a busy day being pregnant and I have to do it again tomorrow. I am not Buddha. Rubbing my pregnant belly will not bring you good luck, prosperity, or wealth. Ask me the gender and due date one more time. On the Reality of Child Rearing “Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face.” — Olivia Wilde “Don’t ever tell the mother of a newborn that her baby’s smile is just gas.” — Jill Woodhull Sleep? Yes, I have a vague recollection of what that was like. A crying baby is the best form of birth control. “If you want to know what it’s like to have a fourth kid, just imagine you are drowning and someone hands you a fourth kid.” — Jim Gaffigan Perfection only exists in babies and pastries. “Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”― Marshall McLuhan “Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” —Nia Vardalos It's like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them. Growing tiny humans is so exhausting.
Feeling better already, right? Feel free to steal these pregnancy Instagram captions for your own maternity photos.
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This article was originally published on
Feb. 2, 2018