I don't if you guys have heard or not, but kids are kind of gross. They can take the cleanest, shiniest, most germ-free surface in the house and turn it into a petri dish with one swipe of their snotty, germ-infested, little hands. Even the things that you would assume would be germ-free and fresh, like bedtime, are subject to their filth and contamination. It's a good thing they're so adorable, because the gross things kids do at bedtime are usually the last straw in a long day of disgusting straws for most moms.
I went into parenthood assuming that I had a decent understanding of exactly how gross kids can be. However, I was made very, very aware of how severely I had underestimated the amount of filth that they can be randomly conjured on a daily basis, almost after I brought my second child into the world. Sometimes, sh*t literally hits the fan (or the area you're laboring in), you guys.
Even the times that one would consider to be a clean, fresh, and poop-free time in a child's day, like during your kid's bath or their tried-and-true bedtime routine, are subject to toddler filth. The repulsiveness just never ceases to amaze me, and I feel the need to share the extent of it all with other moms who, like me, maybe don't fully comprehend all that toddlerhood entails. If you thought bedtime was safe from the abhorrent acts of a toddler, you're sadly mistaken. The gross things kids do at bedtime are just the icing on top of one very disgusting, seemingly never-ending cake.
They Explore Their Anatomy (In Depth)
I get that kids need to learn about their bodies, and that a little toddler body is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of (and incredibly adorable), but that exploration needs to stop short of probing, especially after they've had their filthy little hands already extensively washed. Like, do your thing kid, but let's keep this body discovery phase PG, OK?
They Put Their Naked Bodies On Literally Everything
I'm a firm believer that a toddler is never 100 percent germ-free or minty fresh. Ever. Even after I give my kids a bath before bedtime, I know there's still some microbes lurking on them somewhere. This wouldn't be a big deal if they wouldn't rub their bare bottoms on literally everything in the house as they run around trying to avoid putting on their pajamas. I don't even feel safe on my own couch anymore.
They Pee In The Bath Tub
Perhaps this is why having my toddlers streaking through the living room after their baths makes my stomach churn; I know those little stinkers aren't pausing their splashing or bubble blowing long enough to exit the tub before they pee. They're basically bathing in a toilet by the time their bath is over. Baths are supposed to make babies so fresh and so clean, but there's actually a lot of gross things going down during bath time that people don't like to talk about. Good thing urine is sterile, I guess?
They Cling To Their Favorite (And Ultimately Smelly) Bedtime Blanket Or Stuffed Buddy
My oldest son has what I like to call his security bunny. It's an old, tattered, floppy bunny that's lost nearly all of its stuffing, and it smells like a mixture of feet and day old diapers. His name is "Foof Foof" and he gets a bath every other day, but I'm afraid that he's too far gone to ever not smell like the inside of a shoe again. My son loves him though, so every night at bedtime, embracing his beloved Foof Foof is a part of his bedtime ritual.
They Spit On Everything When They Brush Their Teeth
We try to stress good hygiene to our boys (even though it feels like a losing battle), so every night we brush our teeth together before bed. They're in a bit of a "monkey see, monkey do" phase currently, so when they see me spit out the toothpaste in the sink, they follow suit. This would be fine if their aim didn't suck so bad. There's toddler spit literally everywhere except inside the sink.
They Spill Their Night Bottle Or Sippy Everywhere
My boys like a cup of milk before bedtime. I consider this a reasonable request, so if they've behaved, I oblige. However, as they're winding down for bed, they're also running, jumping, and rolling all over their room to avoid actually having to go to sleep, and their cup of milk is almost always in their hands, which means it's almost always on everything else that they touch, too. I don't know if their room will ever not smell like sour milk.
They Get Urine Literally Everywhere
Night time potty training is our current priority and, well, it's not going so well. My son goes to the potty every night before bed, but his aim leaves a lot to be desired. I feel like I've spent more time cleaning up the aftermath of his potty training than I have actually potty training him. Sigh.
They Give Some Seriously Sloppy Kisses, To Everything
I love open mouthed baby kisses. They're the sweetest thing ever, even if they do leave your face sopping wet afterwards. It's not my boys sloppily kissing me goodnight that bothers me, it's them kissing everything else that makes me cringe. When I say everything, I mean everything. The floor, the dog, their bed frame, that dusty old table next to their bed, their dirty laundry, the bathroom door, their disgusting stuffed bedtime buddy. Everything.
They Eat Random Food They Find In Their Bed
I don't even know how animal crackers or popcorn made it into my sons' room, but regardless of how it got there, they snack on it every night at bedtime. I really don't know how long it's been there or where it came from, but they haven't grown an extra limb or spontaneously combusted yet, so I'm assuming they're fine. We're practicing what I call the "five week rule" until I save up enough energy to go on an exploratory search for crumbs in their bedroom.
They Insist On Wearing Their Favorite Filthy Pajamas, Which Definitely Haven't Been Washed In A While
My boys usually refuse to wear any clothing at all, and getting them dressed before leaving the house has turned out to be a real thorn in my side. However, at night, they insist on wearing their favorite pajamas to bed. In theory, this is harmless, but in reality, I'm not the kind of mother who does laundry every single day because, you know, I have a life and a job and a Netflix account. Therefore, on the days when I skip laundry, I have to choose between listening to my kids have an epic meltdown over their pajamas or allowing them to sleep in week old pajamas that smell like a wet dog. It's a coin toss, really.
Kids are gross, man.