Sleep deprivation makes you do some pretty strange things, especially when you're forced to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of another human being who is completely dependent on you. In other words, there are some pretty gross things every mom does when she's up at night with the baby.
Right now, my baby sleeps in a bassinet next to the bed, and while it's lovely to stare at his chubby, sleeping self all night long and hear him giggle in his sleep, I'll admit, it's made me lazy. With the right supplies available, I don't have to go far, which is good because I seriously do not want to have to get out of bed to get him fed or changed. I'm a little ashamed to admit the extreme measures I have taken to avoid getting out of bed at night, from not changing a spit up covered shirt to playing basketball with the diaper pail.
And then, of course, there's the baby. Babies are gross. As soon as air hits their tiny baby bottoms, it seems like they have to pee or poop or both. They are full of fluids and semi-solids that seem to get everywhere in the middle of the night, including you, the bed, their pajamas, and anywhere else but their diapers or burp cloth. Babies are seriously gross.
Fellow sleep-deprived mamas, I want you to know it's OK to be gross. All moms do it. I won't tell if you won't, and you can always blame sleep deprivation.
She Smells The Baby's Butt
I don't want to take the time to change my son if he's not poopy, so I smell my baby's butt. Go ahead and judge me, because I'll be back asleep five minutes quicker.
She Falls Asleep With Spit Up On Her Pajamas
It is composed of nourishing milk and baby spit, it's OK to let it wait until morning. It's not like it's going to stain your favorite nursing tank, right? Oh wait, it totally will.
She Sticks Her Finger In Poop
Sometimes the sniff test is inconclusive, and I take a peak, only to accidentally stick my finger in poop. Plus, sometimes a massive poop explosion happens, usually at 2 a.m., resulting in too much poop to handle on zero hours of sleep. That's what wipes are for (and hand sanitizer).
She Sleeps On Wet Sheets
My son pees on us almost every diaper change, you'd think our reflexes would be better by now. However, if I'm not fully awake I'm in for a golden shower. Let me just cover that up with a blanket and pretend it didn't happen.
She Smells Herself
She wonders what she smells and counts the number of days since her last shower. Oh well, at least it's not poop.
She Eats In Bed
If I have to get up at two in the morning, there better be snacks close at hand.
She Realizes There's Vomit In Her Hair
It's definitely vomit. I'll shower tomorrow. I promise, after I get some rest.
She Tosses A Diaper On The Floor
I am always generally aiming for the pail, but I have never been good at sports.
If a mom farts in bed and there is no one around to smell it, does it make a sound? Yep, and a smell, too. Just blame the baby. Babies are super gross, so everyone will believe you.
She Uses The Bathroom By Herself
Since I am up anyway, I figure I might as well take care of number two myself, alone, in the sanctuary of my master bathroom. That never happens during the day. Never. On second thought, I should have a snack, too, while I'm up. Of course, as soon as I sit down the baby will wake up to eat, and I will end up holding him while I sit on the toilet. Hopefully, he'll fall back asleep before we have to start the whole routine again. Maybe there won't be poop next time. A mom can dream, can't she?