You know what I love? Pregnant bellies. They're absolutely adorable and you know there's a cute baby growing inside them. That's like if you saw a really adorable teddy bear and learned there was a baby chick inside. I mean, really, pregnant bellies should just come with a sign that says "Touch Me." Oh sure, the naysayers (read: reasonable goddamn adults) may tell you that you should never touch anyone without their enthusiastic consent (read: you really shouldn't) but those people clearly don't understand the healing benefits of touching a pregnant belly without asking (read: guys, there's none and since I write a lot of satire that's misconstrued, usually by people who don't bother to read the whole article, it's critically important that you understand that this is satire and you should never touch anyone, including pregnant women, without their explicit permission).
I mean, it's not like you have any ill will towards the pregnant person in question. But when it comes down to it, are their protestations or desire to keep to themselves and not be touched by complete strangers while they're trying to go about their days and live their lives, more important than your feelings and all the wonderful things you want to impart with your eager touch? I just don't think so. They might be growing human beings inside their bodies, but that just seems selfish to me.
After all, consider all of the following benefits to being petted, stroked, pat, and delicately caressed without giving the green light first! And these benefits are amplified if a stranger touches you without even asking! So honestly, pregnant people, you're welcome for randomly putting our hands on your bellies and "helping you out" through an already stressful, exhausting time.