that friend. The one who constantly posts pictures of her baby #adorbs #blessed #gotitfromhismama. The one who, when you see her in person, asks if you've seen the most recent video. (Say yes, otherwise you'll be forced to watch his newest milestone "drooling"). Her infatuation was cute, but it was also kind of annoying. Judging her was my idea of "fun and games," until I became a mom myself. I didn't intend for it to happen, but there were several new-mom moments that made me realize my obsession with my kid might be a problem. I waited so long to have a baby, I guess it's no surprise I'm so taken with her. I always ask people, "I mean, she's objectively cute, right?" Not that anyone would reply in the negative, but I do worry that my utter enchantment with her has resulted in mom goggles. I love her so goddamn much. Sometimes she's so cute it hurts me. I promised myself I wouldn't be that mom . Still, and despite my best efforts, my daughter has a standard Starbucks order. When Mommy goes through the drive-thru, she can't help but order a kid's whole milk steamer for her mini-me to enjoy in the back seat.
So believe me when I say I know I'm obsessed with my kiddo. I have the self-awareness to admit it fully and, well, I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. (But come on you guys! I mean, did you a load of those cheeks?!)
When I Got An Error Message From iCloud
You know the one I'm talking about. "Not Enough Storage: This iPhone cannot be backed up because you have too many f*cking photos of your kid." OK, that's not
exactly what it said, but that's the spirit of it. We all know it's not your Candy Crush app taking up all that space.
It breaks my little pea-picking heart to
have to delete photos of my precious child. (Unless they are selfies of her nostrils. That sh*t has got to go.) I always upload them to my computer and back them up on my hard drive, but I like having them with me to gaze at in wonder. So I pay $2.99 a month for the privilege. Well played, Apple. When Her Name Was My Most Commonly Used Word On Facebook
There's this cute little
quiz (my favorite form of procrastination and, yes, I would like to discover my Patronus) going around on social media where you can create a word collage of your most used words. Mine shows my daughter's name, huge and in the middle, followed by my second most common word: "baby." When I Found Myself Watching Videos Of Her At Night
Yeah. Basically, I'm a creeper. It's funny because by early evening, I'm staring at the clock trying to make the hands go faster. Once she's actually in bed, however, I miss her. Instead of getting some much needed rest myself, I end up watching videos of her greeting Daddy at the door and shaking her sillies out on endless loop.
When All The Christmas Gifts I Gave Were Pictures Of Her
Imagine my surprise when my sister informed me that perhaps a framed photo of my baby wasn't at the top of everyone's list this holiday season. That was unfortunate because I'd already ordered prints, plus a photo magnet, ornament, accordion book, pillow, and travel coffee mug. Too late, hot plate.
When Things Escalated Quickly At Target How did you spend $100 at Target again? Says my husband ad nauseum. He should know better. I don't know how . It's always something the baby not to spend $100 at Target needs. If I find something for myself, I'll go back and forth about it the whole shopping trip and sometimes even put the item back. But I will fill my cart with toddler leggings, a llama sweatshirt, light-up shoes, and a Minnie Mouse sippy cup without batting an eye. When I Texted My Family Ridiculous Updates I have a running text chain with my mom, sister, and niece's mom. My niece and daughter are only a week apart, and since we live far away, we send a lot of updates. Like that time my niece failed to use a coaster. Or when my daughter got a cookie as big as her face. It literally never occurs to me that my family might not be interested in a video of my kid performing "Feliz Navidad" at her Christmas program (basically two full minutes of her jingling bells). When I Got A Drunk Tattoo Of Her Name
That happened. When we moved from Arizona, my mom squad wanted to throw me a going away party. We had a lovely dinner at a fancy restaurant, but things devolved from there. Let's just say I had a few too many Rocky Mountain Bear F*ckers (which is a thing in Canada) and ended up in the chair of a tattoo parlor getting my baby's name permanently inked on the inside of my wrist by some guy named Jinn. When She Took Over My Social Media Feeds
You know how you can do your
Instagram Best 9 collage for the year? For the past two years, mine have all been my child. It's not just that those were my most popular posts. She's all I posted, and all I continue to post. She's all over my Facebook, too. Her pictures are on Pinterest from my articles, and I have boards entitled "Foxy Baby," "And Baby Turns One," "Bilingual Baby," and "Feed The Baby." When She Had Multiple Professional Photo Shoots Before She Turned 1 The professional photo shoots were a bit of a surprise for my husband. We didn't have engagement photos, and I contracted a former student of mine to shoot our wedding for a few hundred bucks. So having to pay real money for nice pics was not on his radar. Then came the maternity, newborn, six month, and one year cake smash photos.
I bought a giant canvas of one of the six month shots. Hubby took one look and said, "That's not going above the fireplace." My response? "That's
exactly where it's going." When I Entered Her In Contests
Speaking of things I said I'd
never do, I fully entered my child's photo in cute baby contests. First came the Gerber Baby Contest. Next was the casting call to be the face of Baby Gap. I'm still waiting on my call.
It wasn't a competition, but I did submit a picture of her in her Halloween costume (baby chef!) and it was published on
A Mighty Girl. I can't help it. She's totes adorbs, and I just want to share her with the world.