It's impossible to know what a baby is actually thinking. However, when you're pregnant and impatiently waiting to give birth and you have some time on your hands, your mind wanders. Your mind definitely takes a turn to crazy town when you're eating white rice and ranch dressing because, well, who eats white rice and ranch dressing? I did when I was pregnant, and when I did I couldn't help but wonder what my baby was thinking when I was eating weird sh*t when I was pregnant. If I felt awkward downing giant spoonfuls or ranch-covered rice balls, my kid had to have some feelings about it.
Science has yet to figure out what causes those weird pregnancy cravings most women experience when they're growing another human inside their body. The best "guess" is hormones, which make your sense of smell stronger and, as a result, affects your sense of taste and makes you crave certain combinations of food you wouldn't ordinarily, um, enjoy. I have another, not-at-all scientific theory. It's your baby. Your baby is just hanging out in the womb, enjoying the darkness and the warmth, calling the culinary shots because, well, they can. They want to experience the world and all it has to offer before they even enter into it, which means they want to combine some weird sh*t and make you eat it. Fetuses are sadists, you guys.
Of course, like I said, this is just a theory. A theory I concocted while thinking about my baby and what he probably was thinking when I was eating some weird stuff. Here's what I came up with, thanks to my pregnancy brain. I, for one, don't think I'm that off-base but, well, you can be the judge.
"More Ranch On The Rice, Mom"
Yes, yes. This one is pretty specific, I know. However, I stand by it. If you, like me, craved ranch dressing on white rice while you were pregnant, this is probably what your baby was thinking. I couldn't eat enough of it, and drenched any and all rice with ranch to the point that my helping of rice was swimming in it.
Hey, it's not my fault. It was my baby's fault. Blame the baby.
"No, Wait. I'm Over It. Let's Throw That Up, Now."
I would argue that most pregnant women know that what you once absolutely craved, you quickly found out you can't even stomach smelling. I would go through aversion after aversion, and what I could eat and what I couldn't eat changed on a weekly — if not daily — basis. I guarantee you my kid was thinking, "Oh, yeah. That weird thing I really wanted you to eat? Nope. I'm not about it anymore." It makes sense, because my kid still can't make up his mind when it comes to what he likes and dislikes.
"Your Culinary Creativity Could Use Some Work"
It's too early to say if my son has an aptitude for the culinary arts but, if he ends up being some high-profile chef, I won't be surprised. I'm hard pressed to find anyone else who would think to combine the foods I was devouring when I was pregnant. Those (now disgusting) combinations and meal plans were not my doing, people. Oh, no no no. My son gets to take all the credit, so if he ends up coming up with some new combination of food that sweeps the culinary world and sky-rockets him to super stardom and lands him a show on the Food Network, I won't bat an eye. It'll just make sense at this point.
"It's Adorable That You Think You're Going To Keep That Food Down"
I can only imagine that the "hiccuping" and "kicking" I thought I was feeling when I was pregnant, was really my kid laughing at my attempts to keep down every meal I ate. Whether it was an odd combination of food or something bland or just a necessary snack; chances were high that I would end up with my head in the toilet, throwing it all up. At least one of us thought it was funny.
"Have You Ever Thought About Combining French Toast And Hot Wings?"
I mean, no? I don't think anyone in their right mind — that isn't busy growing another human inside their body — would think of combining those two completely different food types.
Ugh. Didn't we just eat, like, ten minutes ago? This kid is the size of a summer squash and is simultaneously, somehow, a bottomless pit. Explain that to me, science.
"What Do You Think We Should Get A Non-Pregnant Person To Run To The Store And Buy Us Next?"
It's not me, dear partner of mine. I promise. I don't need you to go to the store to buy pickles and meatballs, or ice cream and ketchup, or noddles and nacho cheese. It's the baby. The baby needs the pickle-meatball concoction, with a side of nacho cheese noodles and ice cream and ketchup for dessert. No, really. I promise.
"You're Not Going To Be The Person Cooking For Me When I'm Outside In The Real World, Right?"
If I put myself in the not-even-remotely developed mind of a fetus, I must say that they have to assume most moms are horrible cooks. Who would put these concoctions together? No one that knows their way around a kitchen, I can guarantee you that.
"No, But Seriously. I'm Really Hungry."
Alright, alright alright. I'll get up from the couch even though I just found a position that finally provides me with an ounce of comfort, and find something to eat. The kid isn't out of my body yet and he's already demanding AF. Go figure.
"You Know All The Stuff You're Hungry For? Yeah, You Can't Eat It."
While odd pregnancy cravings are par for the pregnancy course, so are aversions to your favorite foods. Whether it's the foods you can't eat because they're no longer safe to eat (a cocktail, a sandwich from a deli, a few too many pieces of fried fish that pregnant women should avoid) or something that you could eat last week, but now makes you sick; pregnancy is all about wanting what you can't have. You want that sandwich with the sliced deli meats stacked on top of one another so beautifully, but you can't. Oh no, you can't.