While many of us would likely shudder to hear the words "parents" and "sex" in the same sentence, the fact is that we don't just pack it in once we flip the switch from pre-baby to post-baby. However, kids have the ability to change pretty much everything in your life which, of course, includes your sex life. As such, there are sex positions only parents are taking advantage of because, well, it's freakin' necessity. That's #parentlife, you guys.
Backing up just a little bit here, because I don't want to scare you all: parent sex isn't de facto terrible. In fact, not to get terribly personal or spill the beans about my romantic relationship, but I've found parent sex to be almost identical to childfree sex, especially when it comes down to the deed itself. The logistics, however, will often require some minor (and sometimes pretty major) adjustments. Time, place, drive, and volume, for example, may all need to be tweaked.
Of course, some parents can experience birth trauma and injuries that will require medical attention, physical therapy, or adjusted techniques to overcome any long-lasting issues; but by and large we're usually the same people working with the same equipment under circumstances that force creativity, patience, and a sense of humor. Let's face it, sometimes this crap can get straight-up ridiculous, but if you start using the following sex positions parents have been using since always, at least the ridiculous can bring about an orgasm.
The High School Flashback
In this position, you and your partner are crammed in the backseat of your car, going at it fast and furious in an empty and isolated parking lot because you managed to get out of the house together (somehow) and you know that as soon as you get back home, finding a time and place to do it is going to be challenging.
Like a pair of horny teenagers, you are banging in a car because you can't really do it anywhere else, and you're seizing an opportunity as it presents itself. Unlike most horny teenagers, however, you also have to manage this with a car seat digging into your back. Ow.
The Bathroom Mambo
While it sounds like a euphemism for an eventful trip to the potty, it's actually a euphemism for going at it either in the shower or on your bathroom sink. Why? Because you co-sleep with your baby and they're already in for the night, so your bed is "out of order." You also don't want your toddler to wander downstairs and catch you schtupping on the couch. The bathroom is not ideal, but there's a door and it locks. (The romance bar is pretty low these days.)
This is when you and your partner are super, crazy tired (because #parentlife), but that isn't stopping you from being super, crazy horny. So you go for it, even though you're basically either asleep with your eyes open or you actually fall asleep mid-coitus. Either way, you look and sound like the zombies from The Walking Dead.
This, of course, is when everything looks like it's going your way and you're going to be able to get down and have some really awesome sex when, womp womp, you hit an iceberg (like when your child interrupts you, either by crying or having a nightmare or waking up or whatever). As a result, your hopes and dreams sink to the bottom of the Atlantic. Come to think of it, this is less a sex position, and more of a we-almost-had-sex position. Oh well.
Made famous by the song "Drunk In Love," this position is described by Urban Dictionary thusly:
The sex position is when the male is on the bottom laying and the girl grinds and f*cks him as if she was sitting on a surfboard.
I don't know that parents do this any more than anyone else, but Beyoncé was a mom (and Jay-Z a dad) when she catapulted this particular position into the spot light for the first time, so at least one set of parents is getting their surfboard on.
Named for the silent, colossal, slow-moving masses of ice, The Glacier is sex done very slowly and silently, possible even imperceptibly to the casual observer, to avoid waking children. Some parents get really, really good at The Glacier.
The Devil's Tango
The riskiest of lovers may find themselves , usually on a lazy Sunday afternoon, dancing the Devil's Tango. Once a child becomes self-sufficient enough to be left alone in another room for more than five minutes at a time, parents may feel emboldened to leave them for a bit with a movie or TV show, and slink away to do the sex.
Chances of failure: high.
The DVD might freeze or Netflix will go down or your child will want a snack or they want to know what you're doing in your room and you will probably have to stop. Any tango is difficult and requires precision and teamwork. The Devil's Tango, truly, is the most difficult of all.
The King Kong
This is when you and your partner are on a kid-free vacation, so you go buck wild, climb to the top of your hotel, and have exhilarating, loud, primal sex on the roof. You think kids on some ill-fated spring break trip are capable of wild and crazy sex romps? They have nothing on parents who have been let off-leash for the first time in months (or years) and have been allowed to sleep for more than three hours.
But just as King Kong himself was a rare and elusive beast, so too are a parent's chances to actually pull a King Kong.
The Toy Box
This is when you and your partner are having sex in your home when suddenly you reach down beneath you and pull a stuffed animal from your butt crack or something.
Then you feel guilty, as the adorable little lovey's innocent eyes gaze up at you in the middle of your naughty business. In fact, you'll probably have the sudden urge to cover up, because you feel as though you're destroying its innocence in the throes of your passion. You almost certainly aren't going to finish now and, if you do, it's going to give you all kinds of confusing feelings.
The Prairie Dog
You know when you see nature documentaries with prairie dogs, and they always peek out of their little burrows and peer around for, um, I don't know, whatever prairie dogs look for (predators, food, other prairie dogs, someone with an extra Hamilton ticket)?
Yeah, well, parents pretty much always engage in some form of The Prairie Dog. They'll pause sex, perk up, and listen to see if their kids are awake or calling them or crying or whatever.
This position is for when the kids are at grandma's and you and your partner defile every surface on your home, as loudly and enthusiastically as possible, because OMG you have the house to yourself and you freakin' can.
Happy boning, everybody!