Christmas trees are for the birds. Seriously. Now, before you call me a Scrooge or tell me how I am ruining my kids' childhood, hear me out. There are plenty of completely legitimate reasons why I refuse to get a Christmas tree and surprisingly, none of them have anything to do with hating Christmas or ruining Christmas for my kids.
I've never really liked Christmas trees. Even as a child. They are messy, smelly, and time consuming, and take a lot of work to obtain and maintain. Plus, they cost money, which is something we don't have a lot of and, if we did, we sure as heck wouldn't spend it on an over-priced decoration that is only good for a few weeks, will potentially burn down our house, and will inevitably make a huge mess. You may think that I feel this way because I am not a Christian. Meh. Christmas trees aren't either. Don't believe me? Google that sh*t.
But, I digress.
"What about the children? Please, think of the children!" You mean the kids that'll inevitably mess with any tree I bring home? The ones who manage to break ornaments, knock the tree down, or get crushed by it? Well, Christmas trees are both dangerous and unbelievably alluring to children, so I am thinking of them. I'm thinking that bringing a tree covered in shiny, electric glass into our home is a seriously bad idea. So, before you write me off as a no fun, terrible mom, I assure you I have very legitimate reasons for not getting a Christmas tree, including the following:
Because Ain't Nobody Got Time For That
Seriously, between work, chasing four kids around, other holiday-related activities, and ever-elusive sleep, I seriously don't have time. This is not a high priority for our family and definitely not more important than sleep.
Because I Have Kids
Did I mention I have four kids? Well, I do. The youngest is a rambunctious 4-year-old, and only a couple have any impulse control at all. The last thing we need is to bring another potential weapon, fire hazard, or something that could crush one or all of them into the house. Especially, one with shiny lights and pretty, breakable ornaments.
Because "Bah Humbug"
It's not that I hate the holidays. It's that I think that a lot of the traditions that we are supposed to like around the holidays are no fun at all. I believe in celebrating the holiday traditions I like and that work for our family. I don't feel a need to do things that I'm supposed to do, because of tradition, when I don't like or enjoy them. You don't own me, Christmas.
Because I Have Cats
We have enough trouble keeping the cats out of trees outside. Why the heck would I bring a tree inside, only to cover it with electric glass, tinsel and/or breakables? I have enough unlucky things happen to me without inviting them in. Murphy's Law.
Because There Are Other Things I Would Rather Spend My Money On
This time of year is expensive. So expensive. I can't add another cost to our budget. I would much rather fill my home with wine, pie, and a reasonable amount of presents, than a dying or plastic tree.
Because I'm Broke
When you're broke, it's not even a matter of opportunity cost. I can't afford to get the things I want, let alone an expensive thing I don't.
Because Real Trees Are Messy
Remember that scene in nearly every Christmas special or film when all of the needles fall off the tree and hilarity ensues or the characters learn the true meaning of Christmas? Why would I want that in my house?
Because Fake Trees Are Ugly
One year we did get a tree. I picked out the ugliest fake, pink, tinsel tree I could find and decorated it with a rainbow of colored balls. It was hideous. It was not hard to find an ugly fake tree, though, because it's a freaking plastic or metal plant.
Because What's The Point When We Won't Get Our Presents Until Christmas Eve?
I am a procrastinator, who always finds myself shopping on Christmas Eve or even try to find the 24-hour pharmacy open on Christmas morning. I don't need a daily reminder that I am not done with my Christmas list.
Because Post-Holiday Clean Up Is Hard Enough
Our garbage bin will be full of ten tons of wrapping paper, excessive toy packaging, and empty wine bottles. The last thing we need is a giant dead plant to dispose of. Or worse, a giant plastic plant that we have to store someplace.
Because My Mom Is Allergic
My mother is allergic to pine trees, or so she says. Maybe, she's just incredibly smart and told us she was allergic because trees are a pain the *ss.
Because I'm Tired And Don't Wanna
I'm tired, you guys. So tired. I don't have enough energy to put on pants some days, let alone set up, decorate, care for, re-set up, and clean-up after a dead tree in my house, simply because other people expect me to have one. I choose my own traditions, preferably those involving wine, pie, and Star Wars marathons. More trees for everyone else.