Newborns are precious bundles of warm, squishy love with absolutely zero control over any of their body functions. In other words, newborns are wonderful, but they're also gross. I asked moms to share the most disgusting thing their newborn did and, if you are expecting any time soon, look away. If you're not pregnant or planning to be, read on so that you can be reminded to take your birth control. If you've been a newborn mom, take a stroll down memory lane which, incidentally, is covered with puke, pee, and fecal matter. But you knew that. Of course you did.
Babies can't help their grossness. And when they're that new you don't know what to expect or, necessarily, how to handle it. For example, my son had way more blow-outs than my daughter, who was born almost three years later. To this day, I still wonder if my son was just naturally sh*ttier or if I didn't know how to properly put a diaper on him in a way that would prevent poop from escaping. One thing I know, however, that was all him and had nothing to do with my inexperience? He liked peeing on his head. Like... loved it. That diaper would come off, he'd pee, it would sprinkle down on his little baby head, and a look of pure bliss would come over him. At first I thought he was just confused but after the third time or so I was like, "OMG, no: you like it you little weirdo!"
At 6, he finds this story incredibly amusing.
Here are some real life tales of newborn horror that aren't amusing.
"She pooped in my face. Literally as I was changing her she did a reverse exorcist and a yellow stream of excrement shot out of her butt and onto my face and shirt. The memory of it haunts me to this day."
"We chose not to find out the sex of my first baby. I had a C-section so they took my son out and lifted him up so my husband could see and announce what he was. Right as they lifted him up he peed all over my open incision."
"A December day back in 1982, my girl came into the world 9lbs, 11oz (remember, these were the days of 6 1/2 pound babies) and 23 inches long. When she was hours old, her bilirubin count was such that she needed an emergency [blood] transfusion. ... So into the NICU she went, my gargantuan girl among the two pound preemies. ... Now for the haunting — you have all seen meconium. It's gross. But have you ever seen the meconium of an infant after being severely jaundiced and recovering from a full blood transfusion? I had to nurse her in the NICU because she had to stay near the special lights. Holding my perfect baby, so grateful she was OK, I held her extra close — and the black bowels of hell erupted all over me. Black and tar-like, and it never stopped! I leaped up (not easy after a C-section) and set her down in her bassinet, and still it raged out of her in a torrent of the smelliest, blackest substance I had ever, or will ever, see. ... I had to lift her out of her little crib to save her from drowning in it, and now it's pouring all over the floor. Mind you, this took place over mere, but eternal, seconds. The nurse rushed over, took my baby from me and said, "This is good. This is really good!" She whisked my girl off to clean her up, and there I stood, covered in this black substance that might at that point have been evolving into a new life form. It was a long walk back to my room. "
"My daughter had perfect aim when she would puke and puked right down the neck of my loose sweatshirt so the milk vomit was all over my chest and stomach and when I stood up it soaked into my pants. It was like being sprayed with a hose. It covered my entire body."
"My kid was an explosive sh*tter.... when the diaper was off. One time during a diaper change she sh*t and since I had her legs lifted to wipe her ass, the sh*t went whizzing by my shoulder and landed on our chair and my sister's purse that was a good 10 feet behind me. It was hysterical... well, maybe not for my sister."
"You might think this is part my fault, but I completely blame my newborn baby. 'J' didn’t lose her umbilical stump for awhile. We were on day eight and I was like... what the hell? She was my third, so I knew not to mess with it. Day 10, I was changing her and noticed it was gone! YAY, right? Except I couldn’t find it. Anywhere. I finally gave up. Days later, I’m doing the laundry. Move the clothes from washer to dryer and something that looks like a sticker is stuck in the basin. So I grab it. You guys? Just so you know, washing a dead hard umbilical stump will return it to its natural booger-like state. I had it STUCK ON MY FINGERS. Like slime, but worse. My husband was dry heaving while I was scrubbing my hands off."
"Christmas morning 2009 on Skype with her dad overseas."
"I saw my son's pee before I even saw him. He peed three times before they even weighed him. And at my daughter's first check up, she pooped into my open hand."
"My daughter had a little reflux. So we had to keep her upright for 20 minutes after eating. I was adjusting her from one shoulder to the other, once, when she had a projectile spit up moment. In my mouth. At least I went 38 years before that happened."
"My older son pooped the very first time we gave him a bath. But not just in the bath, on that hammock thing so it was even more fun to clean."
"Less than 24 hours after my son was born I was changing his diaper on my hospital bed. He pissed and had explosive diarrhea on me... and got pee in his own eyes. That was foreshadowing of things to come."
"Peeing in his own mouth, my face, the mirror, basically if his penis was uncovered it was like one of those missile guns in a '90s action movie. Everything in its path was fair game."
"Elimination communication at its finest with a week old newb!"
"Legit pooped in my mouth... don't ask, so gross!"
Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.