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7 Things No One Will Tell You About Your Pregnancy Boobs, So I Will

A lot of us women — especially the smaller-chested among us — get psyched about our soon-to-be developing pregnancy boobs. We tend to imagine only the upsides of gaining a cup size or two (or three) when we're carrying a bun in the oven, like the joy of finally filling out a B cup. Few people talk about the more unpleasant things that happen when your breasts when you're knocked up, though. In fact, there are a lot of things no one says about pregnancy boobs, but I will, because knowledge is power and you need to be prepared.

I did not enjoy the process of getting boobs when I was in my early teens, and I did not really enjoy it when I was pregnant, either. Boobs that are growing and changing are awkward-looking. First you have that thing that happens to the nipples, because they're the first to get bigger before the rest of the breast catches up. Then, at some point, you get the lopsided boob thing going on. Inevitably all your existing bras no longer fit and you can't go shopping for a new bra yet because you know you're not done growing. It's just not what I would consider a walk in the park, you know?

The thing is, no one warned me. I was promised beautiful, "porn star" boobs during my pregnancy (and the fact that this promise was appealing instead of offensive is not lost on me, folks). I did get big boobs (for my frame) but I also got a whole host of other surprises that come with pregnancy boobs that no one seemed to want to talk about. Here are just a few of them:

You'll Get Really Defined, Blue Veins

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I don't remember exactly when in my pregnancy this began, but at some point when I was getting dressed in front of my mirror I noticed all these blue veins going from my chest practically up to my neck. It looked like an alien had invaded my body and was using it as a host and feeding on me. My skin is pretty pale to begin with, and the blue veins prominently sticking out made me look like some weird pregnant Frankenstein experiment gone awry.

Your Nipples Will Magically Change Colors

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Imagine my shock when I took off my shirt one day, only to see that my nipples were not only three times their usual size, they were a completely different color. My nipples are usually in the light pink-colored family (TMI?), but my pregnancy nipples were a dark, almost reddish-brown color.

You'll Have An Itch That Can't Be Scratched

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Pregnancy means itchy boobies. I know! Isn't that cray? I imagine some people would get excited at the sight of a woman rubbing herself all over her breasts uncontrollably, but if they knew what that women was actually feeling like inside (fire ants all over her skin) it would be way less sexy.

You Won't Want Your Boobs To Be Touched

Those new fun-bags sure look nice, but if you lay your damn hands on them without explicit permission you're going to get kicked in the shin. Apologies to my partner, who had probably been waiting forever to see me with a full, almost over-flowing chest. It hurts when you touch or squeeze my breasts, so no touching.

You'll Grow Tiny Bumps On Your New Lumps

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Did you know that when your nipples get bigger, the little bumps along your areola can become more prominent? What a fun little development. They're little oil glands. Isn't that nice? It's like having a breakout right on your boobies. Yay!

You'll Start Googling Signs Of Breast Cancer

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Speaking of bumps, sometimes pregnancy breasts develop lumps inside of them, too. Most likely these will be benign, but the scare they cause when you touch them for the first time can be real as hell. I was one of those crazy women who gave myself breast exams in the shower throughout my pregnancy and had to have my OB-GYN assure me that each lump was nothing to worry about.

You Might Start Leaking Early

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It is possible to start leaking colostrum before the baby arrives, during your last trimester. I had heard that this was a possibility, and was mildly disappointed that it didn't happen to me (I am competitive, but that's a whole other story). So instead of leaking, I tried self-expressing "just to see what would happen." I had this idea that if I could leak colostrum it might have some bearing on how successful I would be at breastfeeding (totally false, this is not a thing). The first time I made colostrum come out of my breast was a crazy experience. I felt like I had just conducted a science experiment on myself with amazing results. How was it possible that squeezing a part of my body could make nourishing food come (albeit a teeny bit) out for a baby that wasn't here yet? Science, my friends. That's how.

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