Confession: I am a Jew who loves Christmas. My love runs deep, too. In fact, I went ahead and married a Christian just so I could celebrate Christmas. (Well, not really, but that's how I keep him on his toes.) I love the holiday for it's beauty, warmth, and meaningful family time. I could, however, do without the hassle that goes along with it. I prefer simplicity, which just so happens to be one of the signs you're a fake tree mom. Yes, you read that correctly. I am a proud, unapologetic fake tree mom. Because, let's be honest, the holidays can be stressful enough without having to deal with another living thing in the house.
While I love Christmas, every year I resist it. I'm just never "ready." There's so much to do, and so many obligations to consider, and by the end of it all I'm tired, overwhelmed, and a tad cranky. So I like to minimize my stress levels by eliminating unnecessary agitators. I do most of my shopping online and do my best to avoid all stores. I make to-do lists, and other types of checklists, to organize my scattered brain. And I set up an artificial tree because it's my life and I will do as I please.
Now, there's no denying that a real tree has some positives. One cannot replace the scent of a real Evergreen. A real tree has a look that cannot be copied by manufacturing, and it brings warmth into the house like nothing else. But those things aren't enough for me to ditch my fake tree ways. I will never change, and if these signs that you're a fake tree mom relate to you, you shouldn't change either.
You Prefer Easy
The most difficult part of putting up a fake tree is taking it out of a box and fluffing it up. That's it. You don't have to drive anywhere, brave the frigid weather, deal with complaining children, get pricked by tiny little pine needles, figure out a way to get the tree into or on top of your car, maneuver it into your house, and water it.
And, let's be honest, who wants to do that anyway?
You Believe Faux Is Beautiful
Who decided fake isn't beautiful? My fake tree looks just a pretty as my neighbor's real tree. It may not have the same delightful smell, sure, but aesthetically, it's pretty awesome. And, guess what? It came with its own lights. No tangling of lights around here. Every light is perfectly positioned in its place. Take that.
You Can't Stand A Mess
You don't like pine needles all over your floor or carpet? Not a fan of a shedding and dying tree in your living room? You're probably a fake tree mom. Hey, two children, a cat, and a husband already come with a ton of clutter and a huge mess, so why add a tree? No, thanks. Not this girl.
You Are Practical
You realize that it's way more practical to pay one price for one tree and reuse that tree every year for, well, forever. You know what you're getting each time you take the tree out of the box. You don't like messing with lights. You aren't into the pruning, watering, and trying to keep your pets away from the tree. You don't want to deal with recycling every season. You're good.
You Have Enough Holiday Traditions
I know, I know. Family traditions are so, so important. But, like, how many traditions does one family need? If bundling the kids up, shoving them into the car, and picking out the perfect tree is something you don't care very much for, you're probably a fake tree mom. I'll keep the drinking hot chocolate by the fireplace while playing board games in our pajamas tradition, but I'm cool with skipping the "picking out the perfect tree" one.
You've Killed Every Plant You've Ever Owned
Listen, if you're anything like me (a girl who managed to kill the indestructible bonsai tree) you aren't known for your green thumb. And while I readily kill plants, and have asked friends and family to no longer gift me plants, I don't actually feel good about my lack of plant nurturing skills.
So watching a living thing, like the real Christmas tree, die in my house? Nah. I don't want to deal with that. I'm the person who actually feels bad seeing all of the dried up, dead, brown Christmas trees on the curb after Christmas. It's just so sad.
You Like Options
Do you want a wooden minimalist tree? Or do you prefer a pink one? Is turquoise more your game? Or, do you like a white frosted one? Whatever your style, you can find a fake tree to match. Some trees are pre-lit, if you prefer not to mess with lights, while others are not. It's a world of options, with a click of a button.
You Play It Safe
There are no surprises, no critters or bugs hiding in the branches, and no spiders waiting to make your home their home. No trees spontaneously catching fire. No pets swallowing pine needles. None of that stuff. My fake tree won't dry out and set my house on fire. So, yay for that.
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