8 Things You Don't Have To Do When Your Kid Walks In On You Having Sex
It was a normal Saturday afternoon. My family and I had a lazy morning, complete with a home-made breakfast, and I had just laid my son down for his nap. As new parents, my partner and I had learned to take advantage of our "free time," so we thought nap time for our son was a good "sexy time" for us. While having fun and feeling great, the door opened and our half-awake 2-year-old toddler walked in. In that moment I realized there are things you don't have to do when your kid walks in on you having sex. You know, things like: die.
As a sex-positive parent, I don't think sex is "bad" or "wrong" or something that needs to be hidden or spoken about in hushed, whispered tones. I don't think that your kid walking in on you having sex is something they need to "cope" with. I mean, sex isn't terrorism or a natural disaster, you guys. It's just sex and, as long as that sex is safe and consensual and respectful and mutually beneficial, it's a good thing. However, that doesn't mean your kid walking in on you having sex isn't a little, you know, jarring. Initially I had no idea how to act or what to do or what to even say, even though I knew my toddler probably (read: definitely) had no idea what he had accidentally walked in on.
Realistically, I know I have a few more years before these (hopefully very, very infrequent instances) will demand an explanation. Until then, I'll keep in mind that while I know I'll want to talk to my son in a certain way about certain things (depending on his age) I won't have to react to him walking in on me having sex by resorting any of the following:
Start Thinking About The Therapy Bills You're Assuming You'll Be Asked To Pay
Your kid walking in on you having sex isn't going to be the reason they end up in therapy. First and foremost, there's nothing "wrong" with you if you go to therapy (in fact, I think everyone should see a counselor once a week at least, but that's neither here nor there.) Secondly, if your kid does end up in therapy, it will be for plenty of other reasons; not because they walked in on you and your partner (or partners because, hey, I don't know your life) having sexy time.
Chances are, your kid has no idea what they've accidentally witnessed. So, really and truly, you don't need to open a savings account so you can pay their future therapy bills.
Straight Up Lie
Sex isn't shameful, so you really don't have to lie about what your kid walked in on. Yes, you should make sure your explanation is age appropriate, but you don't have to say you're helping your partner "find something" or some other ridiculous white lie that pushes back the "sex talk" a few years.
Fall Into A Spiral Of Shame
If you're a sex-positive parent, you know that there isn't anything inherently "wrong" with sex, as long as it's safe and respectful and consensual. So, there's no reason to hide under the covers or cower in shame or apologize as your face turns magenta in color. Sex is normal and natural and human beings are sexual beings so, really, you don't have to avert your eyes any time you see your kid until the end of time.
Go Into Full-On Panic Mode
This isn't the end of the world, dear parent. It's just sex. Sex happens. I mean, that's why you're a parent, right? (And even if it isn't, I'm just going to assume you've had sex once or twice.)
You can handle this, because "this" is just a short conversation (if that's even necessary and depending on their age) with your kid. This is no big deal, and you got this.
Plan To Barricade Your Bedroom The Next Time Around
There's no need to start moving furniture in a half-assed attempt to build a wall, and hammering planks of wood across your door like you're saving yourselves from the zombie apocalypse is pretty unnecessary.
Hell, you don't even have to lock the door if if you really don't want to.
Swear Off Sex Until Your Kid Leaves The House
You don't have to take a vow of celibacy, dear parent. You are allowed (and entitled) to some sexy time, whether it's with your partner or multiple partners or yourself. If you think you need to be a little more "careful" in terms of being discreet or maybe locking your door or just staying quiet while your kid is sleeping, go for it. But honestly, you don't have to give up sex entirely just because your kid accidentally witness you having it.
Pretend Nothing Happened
People don't forget.
Cease To Actually Exist
This isn't the end of the world and it certainly isn't the end of your life. You will keep on keeping on, and so will your kid. This is sex we're talking about, people. Your kid didn't walk in on you hiding a body, you were just treating yours.