Giving birth is weird. You think you have an idea of what it'll be like, but no. Turns out it's nothing like you'd imagined. Every birth is different, every pregnant person is different, and every situation is different, so it's impossible to know what you're truly in for until you're in it. One thing I can say, though, is that it hurts. I know some people say their contractions weren’t all that bad, but I cannot relate. Mine were earth-shatteringly awful. So awful that I’m going to give you a list of things my contractions felt like, because labor is no joke, my friends.
When you’re pregnant, they tell you contractions are like cramps. That’s true, except it’s totally minimizing what they actually feel like. They're cramps, if cramps were bitten by a radioactive spider and suddenly became endowed with other-worldly powers that made a "cramp" turn into a force of freakin' nature the likes of which you've never seen. Yes, the initial contractions aren't all that bad, I agree. I would probably describe them as "cramps." However, once things really started moving, and moving down, I’m pretty sure I went to another planet.
Labor and delivery is hands down the hardest thing I've ever physically done. I’ve heard people compare it to puking, but backwards (you know how your stomach tightens as your hurl?), and I can agree with that. Still, that doesn’t begin to account for the pain because, yes, there was a lot of pain. So without further ado, I give you just some of the things I can compare to my contractions.
That Scene From ‘Alien’ When The Little Alien Pops Out Of The Person’s Chest
I always pictured childbirth to be like this. You know the scene from Alien when they’re on the ship and suddenly one of the passengers starts freaking out and this thing is pushing out of their body? Then, all of a sudden, bam. A tiny alien baby rips out of their chest. Well, it was kinda like that.To be honest, it did kinda feel like I was holding an alien for those first few seconds when I held my son, too (but in a totally awesome way).
Swallowing A Dozen Grenades, Each More Powerful Than The Next
You know in cartoons when a grenade or bomb goes off outside and the main character is hiding someplace and the walls kinda shake? It felt like a bunch of little explosions happening and the walls of my uterus were shaking each time. Then it would calm down, until another explosion happened.
That Scene From ‘Braveheart’ When He Gets Disemboweled
OK, maybe this is a bit extreme. I’m definitely not talking about the Mel Gibson being dismembered part. However, it did feel like my insides were slowly being ripped apart in a very weird way. I definitely remember screaming like Mel Gibson did, too. Just sayin'.
Hours Of Mansplaining Manifested Into Physical Pain
You know the unbearable pain of having to listen to a dude go on and on about sh*t you don’t care about, or sh*t you already know, or sh*t you've personally experience that he absolutely has not (and never will)? You know when your brain turns to mush and you just can’t take it anymore? Yeah, I’m pretty sure childbirth is the physical manifestation of this pain.
A Thousand Of Those Tiny Pills That Turn Into Dinosaurs When You Add Water, Expanding In My Abdomen
It’s funny. When you’re pregnant in your last trimester, it feels like there’s really no room left for your baby to go. Then you give birth, and it feels like your baby is punching its way out through every part of your insides. It's as if you're beyond filled to capacity. The only thing I can really liken to feeling to, is if you swallowed a bunch of those pills that you pour water on to expand into big dinosaurs. Except worse.
Sea Urchins And Porcupines Slowly Taking Turns Trying To Escape My Insides
OK, so the pain of contractions wasn’t as sharp as this sounds. Definitely more of a dull ache that becomes an all-encompassing nightmare. Still, I thought this painted an interesting visual.
Eating Way, Way, Way Too Many Magic Mushrooms
Hear me out. If you eat shrooms, there’s a good chance you’ll puke (because they’re technically poison). Before you head to the toilet, however, they’ll hurt the hell out of your stomach while simultaneously causing you to reach a different plane of existence (at least, in your head).
Childbirth is like wanting to puke but out of your vagina while simultaneously leaving earth or having some sort of out-of-body experience. In fact, I'm convinced your brain just can’t handle that kind of pain anymore, so it "checks out" for a while. I have often compared childbirth to being on some wild sorts of drugs and I know I can’t be the only one, right?
Being Hugged From Behind By Thing
Imagine Thing (you know, from the Marvel comics) hugging you. He’s made of rocks, so it won’t be comfortable. Now, imagine he is squeezing you during that hug, but he lets go for a few seconds every couple of minutes. Then he hugs from the top of your abdomen, and then starts pushing down. Yeah, contractions are like that. Kind of.
The Red Wedding
Y’all Game of Thrones fans know what’s up. Giving birth is like the infamous scene of so many infamous scenes in the book-turned-HBO-series. No pain quite like it, but you just can’t stop watching. Plus, there's so much blood.