As magical, scary, new, and exhausting as your first few weeks home with a new baby can be, it can also be freaking hilarious. From the cute things babies do to the most disgusting sights and smells, experiencing your postpartum body in all of its glory to the intensity of sleep deprivation causing you to do and say some weird sh*t and literally experiencing some weird sh*t, there are plenty of hilarious postpartum moments you'll experience in your first month of being a parent. That is, if you can stay awake to laugh.
Each time I've brought home a new baby has been different. With my first, there were some freak outs that came with not knowing what I was doing and not wanting to mess up. You'd think that bringing home number two would be a piece of cake, but I seemed to forget how exhausting it was to be up all night with a baby and nothing could prepare me for life with a baby and a 3 year old. Now that I am home with my third baby, I still have some moments where I ask myself, "WTF are you doing?" but, for the most part, I have been able to relax and really enjoy how fun and funny the fourth trimester can be.
Even if they don't seem so funny at the time, I hope you can look back on them and laugh. I know I have. Here is my ranking of the most hilarious postpartum moments you'll experience, at least in retrospect.
Admit it: farts are funny. It's OK to laugh. How can someone who smells so sweet create such a horrible smell with their tiny little body? It's inhuman (or inhumane) how bad baby farts smell. And then, when they fart so loud or hard that it scares the heck out of them or wakes them up? Hilarious.
14When You Forget You Had A Baby
In an exhausted delirium I find myself waking up and thinking, "I haven't felt the baby move in a while." Or worse, I feel phantom baby kicks and then notice him asleep in his bassinet and feel relief and embarrassment. Probably just gas. Moms fart, too, you know.
13The First Time You Check Out Your Vulva
Don't do this unless you're adequately prepared for some significant changes. I had to laugh at myself, freaking out over how my swollen, stitched labia actually looked. This time, I figured it was better not knowing.
12Finding Yourself Analyzing Poop
Oh how the mighty have fallen. I went from analyzing trends in women's health policy to analyzing the contents of my baby's diaper. Does it look more like mustard and cottage cheese, peanut butter, or strained spinach? Is it normal? Is he OK?
11Being Peed On
Every new parent will get peed on at least once. My youngest does this amazing trick where he pees in an arch, reaching me, his clothes, and stopping with his face, which totally pisses him off (pun intended), causing him to cry. Look buddy, it's not my fault you have yourself a golden shower.
No one told me that my pregnancy-related propensity to pee when I sneezed, coughed, or stood up with a full bladder would continue into the postpartum period. Sometimes you have to laugh, or you will cry, but not too hard or you might pee more.
9Introducing Your Pet To The Baby
"What is this tiny, squeaking animal that mom seems to love more than me? I'm going to check it out. WTF? Run away."
8When You Get Silly About Your Postpartum Belly
It seems like my postpartum tummy looks like a different food every day — a striped watermelon, a jack 'o lantern, mashed potatoes, cream of wheat. Mmmm now I am hungry.
7The First Time You Drink
There ought to be a warning on bottles of wine that says that after nine months of not drinking you may get drunk off one glass. Sleep deprivation + wine = hilarity
6Randomly Freaking Out About Pretty Much Everything
I freaked out about everything: why the baby wouldn't sleep, why the baby was sleeping so much, how much the baby was eating, why the baby was eating so much, not getting enough sleep, whose turn it was to get up, why she was making a noise, every runny nose, real and imagined slights by my partner, my friends, and my family. Everything seems worse than it is when you are tired and scared. Just remember during all of your random freak-outs that everything will be OK.
5The Things You Say During Sleep-Deprived Delirium
Your tired rants may include: questioning your abilities, "WTF am I doing? I can't be someone's mom. I can't even take care of myself"; losing your temper,"You did this to me. Never again."; sappy expressions of love,"I have never loved anything or anyone as much as I do right now."; freak outs about baby, "Should we wake him up? What if it's not normal for him to be sleeping so long." and my personal favorite, random facts that you seem to remember at the oddest time, "did you know that elephants are pregnant for two years?"
4When You Get Into An Argument With Yourself
I talked myself out of and into so many things while home alone or awake alone with the baby.
Me: You need to hold the baby all of the time so he feels secure and loved.
Also Me: If you don't let him sleep in his crib, he'll need to be held to sleep until college.
Me: Just take the baby to bed, you'll get more sleep.
Also Me: Now, I can't sleep, what if he gets hurt?
3The First Time Your Baby Gives You A Dirty Look
WTF, mom? Priceless
2Just About Anything That Happens In The Middle Of The Night
I get so punchy when it's late, and if I've been up for 24 hours I find even the most dull things hilarious. Then, when I try to share the joke with my partner the next morning, or worse, nudge him awake to share in the moment, I realize that I am not funny when I am tired (cue delirious laughter).
1The Lengths You Go To Not To Wake The Baby
I imagine myself as a badass archeologist like Indiana Jones, placing the baby in his bassinet so gently so as to not set off a chain reaction of traps (or in this case, a chain reaction of the baby waking and having to start over with our bedtime routine). There's also the ninja maneuver, trying not to make a sound as a you creep away from the sleeping baby. I've got mad skills. Of course, as soon as I succeed, the cat will creep out from under the bed and set off the trap (I mean, baby). She must be getting her revenge for having to share her human with a baby.