The sex life of a pregnant woman is, like so many things in this world, a complete and total crap shoot. Some women come alive as never before, relishing this surge of hormones coursing through their bodies. Others feel like complete and total sh*t and don't want to be touched for a year. Such a miracle this all is, you guys. Such a beautiful, perfect miracle. During this time, of course, a woman will have some special sexual needs, so there are certain erotic things you can do for a pregnant woman that probably wouldn't apply to her in her non-gestational state.
Of course, like I said, every sensual mama-to-be is different and so too will be her desires. Still, and having said that, I believe with a little creativity, flexibility, and reading of body language, you — the pregnant woman's partner and/or lover and/or friends with benefits because, hey, I don't know your life — will discover heady new heights in this miraculous stage of life. And who knows? Maybe this will lead you to your very own sexual awakening. Like, maybe you just didn't know that rubbing feet was your thing. Especially feet swollen to approximately three times their usual size. (Far be it from me to kink shame, you guys.)
There's a great big beautiful world of pregnant eroticism to discover out there, people. Let this list be but a taste of what you can begin to explore. You're welcome.
Run Your Fingers Through Her Hair While She Barfs
Twist a strand around your finger as she hurls what little food she managed to choke down this morning into the toilet.
Run a finger along her hairline at the nape of her neck as she dry heaves, sobbing about how there's no way she's going to be able to handle this for another eight months.
Whisper sensual promises into the velvety softness of her tresses as she waves you away, oh-so-coyly screaming in a rage about how she couldn't sleep at all last night because she was throwing up then, too, and how you need to back the you-know-what off.
Whisper Sweet Nothings In Her Ear About Her New And Pungent Body Odors
She's noticed. She knows you've noticed. She is ripe, and we're not talking about her belly. The smells emanating from your ladylove are anything but ladylike. This is to say nothing of the weird new vag smell. (Oh yes: her delicate lady flower is a lot less flowery these days, or at the very least smells like a flower that grows on the other side of the world, in a different climate, and takes some time to get used to.)
Roll with it. Assure her these odors are as erotic as they are "aromatic."
Sensually Bring Her Food
Walk in here with a big plate of strawberries and whipped cream. Ooh. And wear that little thing I like. You know, the one with the tassles. That's right, sashay on in here with that platter of fruit. Put it right here next to me on the bear skin rug. Oooh my. Doesn't everything look gorgeous. Good enough to eat, even.
OK. Thanks. You can go now. No, I'm not sharing. These are my berries and my can of whipped cream. If you wanted some you should have bought your own.
Suavely Offer Her A Handkerchief And Delicately Wipe Her Dainty Nose
Because her nose holds an endless trove of the hottest, sexiest boogers right now and she wants to share all that eroticism with you.
Seriously, quick, get a tissue. Just bring the box, I'm about to spring a leak.
Get Sweaty With Her
No, not like that. Just do something to work up a sweat so that she feels better about the fact that she looks like she's perpetually lounging about in the sauna at a Turkish bathhouse.
Even in the winter.
Even in air conditioning.
People running marathons have no business sweating as much as your pregnant woman does just sitting there. It's awkward and embarrassing. You being willing to sweat alongside her really does a lot for your sex appeal, because it shows her how committed you are as a life mate and future parent.
Let Her Entwine Her Body With Yours
Let your lady use you, enveloping you in her limbs until your two forms become one because her body pillow just isn't cutting it and she needs something to get comfortable. Please don't think of this as an act that will lead up to sex. This is the main event.
And don't move. Where you are right now is perfect.
Tenderly But Vigorously Massage Her Bottom
Because her sciatica is destroying her life, dude! My God, it's like getting tasered in the ass every hour of every day. Just make it stop!
Also, um. Yeah. Check out this sexy butt. Yeah. Rub it.
In Your Sexiest Voice, Read Her Birth Plan
You: *sultry tone* "My ideal birth is a vaginal delivery without pain medication."
Pregnant Woman: Ooooh, yeah.
You: I would like for my partner to remain with me unless it is medically necessary for them to leave...
PW: Aw yeah, baby, you'll be there...
You: I would like the option of laboring in the following positions...
PW: Oh yeah, tell me about those positions you saucy minx...
You: Position one...
PW: *places a finger on your lips; intense whisper* Skip to the part where I squat, please.
Because her hair is so thick and luxurious and exquisite right now, she really wants you to relish it along with her. Pat it gently. Brush it if she has hair that can stand to be brushed. Or just, like, verbally groom it by telling her how beautiful and shiny it looks. Her hair will never be this fabulous again and reveling in its majesty is seriously doing it for the pregnant woman in your life right now on every damn level.
Just Bang Her Already
Because pregnancy has made her horny AF and she has no time for your toying eroticism. Seriously, stop worrying about whether or not this is hot and hop to it, for goodness sake.