Thanks to Facebook, I remembered that Mother's Day is fast approaching. Yeah, I forgot. Whoops. I figured that if Mother's Day skipped my mind — me, an actual mother — it had probably fallen off your radar, too. So, I thought I would compile a handy list of things I actually need from you this Mother's Day, to give you a head start on planning my big day.
You know me better than anyone, so you understand that when it comes to Mother's Day (and everything else) I'm a tad unconventional. I don't like breakfast in bed, or store-bought greeting cards, and I would rather face down an army of white walkers than go to Mother's Day brunch. We’ve spent the last few months de-cluttering the hell out of our house, so I would rather not add anymore "stuff" to the mix. In fact, the idea of bringing one more thing into our home stresses me out.
What I really need on this "special day" is for you to take over. Completely. Like, without my help. Take the lead so I don't have to add Mother’s Day planning to my already overflowing plate. I need a break, and to have a day without being touched, without having to wake up with the toddler, or without having to be the primary parent — the one the kids come to with every question or request — would actually make the day special and not, you know, just another day.
Instead of gifts or flowers, I would like to have Mother's Day actually be about me. I spend most of my life worrying about everyone else’s preferences and needs, sometimes at the expense of my own. I'm constantly focusing on making our family run smoothly, even if it means eating at restaurants I don't like, listening to kids' songs on the radio, or never seeing the movie I want to see in the theater.
So, dear husband, to help you understand exactly what I need on Mother's Day, please consider the following easy-to-accomplish requests:
In case you haven't noticed, Mother's Day is coming up. I already put it on the calendar on our dining room wall, and I know that Facebook and Google will let you know, too. So, my love, please set a reminder on your phone and remember Mother's Day this year. It's the little things.
To Plan Everything
I'm so tired. So. Tired. I have way too much on my plate as it is, so pease don't make me add "planning Mother's Day" — a holiday that's supposed to celebrate me — to my list of obligations. It's the least you can do.
Oh, and here's your last reminder to call your own mom. Put it in your damn phone so I don't have to tell you again.
Let Me Sleep In
I know it's iconic to have kids make mom breakfast in bed on Mother's Day, but it's one of those things that is way better in theory than it is in practice. I don't want to be woken up, like, ever... yes, even for breakfast. Let me sleep in.
To Finish What You Started
Not to sound like the nagging wife cliché, but I would legitimately love for you to spend Mother's Day weekend finishing the many projects you've started around the house and yard. It would totally make my day.
To Leave Me Alone
I would seriously love to enjoy 24 hours of you not telling the children to "ask your mom" when they have questions or requests. It would also be nice to have a break from being touched and hearing our precious children's non-stop commentary about Minecraft and Fortnite. I would like just one day when I don't hear their endless chorus of "mom, mom, mom." I love them, but mom needs some alone time, too.
Mommy needs orgasms. I want you. I want uninterrupted sex on Mother's Day. Put it on the calendar, please, and get a babysitter if you have to, because it's happening.
To Clean Out The Dishwasher
There are a few chores around the house that I always end up doing, including but certainly not limited to: cleaning the toilets, doing the laundry, putting the ketchup bottle away, and unloading the dishwasher. It would rock my world if you did these things for a change.
To Let Me Be Selfish
Like so many other moms, I spend most of my life putting other people's needs first. Most of the time I don't mind seeing the movie that you want to see or going to restaurants with a kids' menu. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t make sacrifices for our kids — that’s a requirement when it comes to parenthood — but Mother's Day I would love to be selfish for a change. I want to spend the day in bed watching The Outlander. I want to go for a long run. I want to spend the afternoon drinking Prosecco on the porch.
Time For A Shower
I don't need a spa day (although, it would be nice), but I could really use a very hot, very long shower. It would be particularly wonderful if I could enjoy that shower without a child barging in, or having to cut things short before I've shaved both my legs because someone needs me.
Mostly, I don't want to have to make any decisions or feel the need to live up to any Mother's Day expectations. I think it's time we shed any preconceived notions about how Mother's Day is supposed to be celebrated, so us moms can actually enjoy the day. So honestly, I'd rather just stay home and do the things that I enjoy, without stressing about whether or not I'm doing it right.