Postpartum life was, for me, bittersweet. It was filled with baby snuggles, sure, but also worry and self-doubt. I remember thinking, "What have I gotten myself into?" and "I can't do this" and "Will I ever sleep again?" more times than I care to admit. I also experienced some messed up situations that made me want to laugh, cry, or both. In the end I realized new-mom life is filled with postpartum moments that'll make you say "WTF did I just do?" over and over and over again. I also realized that asking yourself that question (either internally our out loud for anyone to hear) absolutely doesn't make you a bad mom.
Between pregnancy hormones, postpartum recovery, and intense sleep deprivation, I wasn't really my "normal" self after I had a baby. So I made a few mistakes. OK, maybe more than a few. But being a new mom is nothing short of difficult and sleep deprivation is no joke, you guys. It makes you do things like fall asleep in a variety of humorous places and states, answer the door topless, and forget to put a diaper on your baby. The again, maybe that's just me? Oh, I also forgot to take my essential medications, wear a pad, and even eat. Yes, I forgot to eat. How could I let that happen? I've gotten surprisingly tipsy from one glass of wine, and don't even ask about the time I decided it was a good idea to try on pre-pregnancy jeans one week postpartum. Spoiler alert: it was a terrible idea.
If you've been a new mom, chances are you can commiserate with the weird, embarrassing, and stupid things I've done postpartum. And if you haven't had your baby yet, well, this might give you some ideas about what not to do (or at least make you feel better when you inevitably do them anyway). Because, seriously, WTF?
When You Get Drunk From One Glass Of Wine
It sucks to find yourself accidentally drunk as a new mom. I mean, I only had one glass of wine and now I am dancing on the table? Well, I would be dancing on a table if I wasn't so tired. I had better stop or I won't be able to wake up with the baby, when he inevitably cries right after I fall asleep.
When You Forget To Take Your Medications
I totally thought I was dying and then realized that I totally forgot to take my pain meds on schedule. Trust me when I say that I never made that mistake again, at least not after I remembered to set some alarms on my phone.
When You Fall Asleep In Random Places
When I am postpartum it seems like I can fall asleep nearly anytime or any place. Well, anytime or place that's not in my bed at night, of course. I fell asleep at stop lights, while waiting in line at the DMV, and even during sex. WTF?
When You Forget You're Topless
I spent a lot of time topless during my babies' fourth trimesters. It let my sore nipples have a rest and made life easier for breastfeeding. Easier, that is, until I forgot I was topless. I have answered the door in just a nursing bra, left to pick my kids up from school with my shirt undone, and greeted guests with a boob hanging out. Maybe that's why the UPS guy always brings our packages to the door? Oh well, at least I don't have to walk outside.
When You Forget To Wear A Pad
It was so bad, you guys. I'm talking like the prom scene from Carrie bad. To make matters worse, when I am postpartum I totally don't have the emotional ability to deal with crises. So I cried. Then I realized I didn't have any clean pants, and cried some more.
When You Have An Opportunity To Sleep & Do Something Else Instead
I'm convinced that anyone who suggests you should "sleep when the baby sleeps" has never actually had a newborn, or has never tried to fall asleep in broad daylight when they have a newborn to worry about. So not happening, you guys. See also, 3:00 am when you suddenly would rather binge watch Grey's Anatomy than sleep. WTF?
When You Forget To Eat
I have never been the type of person who regularly forgets to eat. Then I had a baby and found myself wondering why I was so ravenous all the damn time. Yeah, I was forgetting to eat. Whoops.
When You Try On Pre-Pregnancy Pants
I really wish I could go back in time and warn myself not to do this. "Girl, no. Seriously don't do it. It won't end well. Have you forgotten that you just grew a human? Give yourself time."
I really didn't need to look at my postpartum tummy in the mirror, either.
When You Forget To Put A Diaper On The Baby
While snuggling my gorgeous baby, just sinking into postpartum bliss, I realized I forgot to put a clean diaper on the baby when I changed him. I, unfortunately, learned this the hard way and only after he peed all over me. I remember thinking, "It's a good thing I am topless," but also, you know, WTF kid?
When You Realize You're Actually Someone's Mother
There have been so many moments where I was sure I was the world's worst parent. Like the time that I didn't hear the baby crying in the other room and while I was finally taking a shower, or when I accidentally clipped my baby's tiny finger when cutting her nails. Or when I couldn't breastfeed and countless other times when I was left wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. Seriously, how am I responsible for a baby?
Then I remembered that all new moms have those moments where they say, "WTF did I just do?" Besides, if you don't make mistakes, how do you learn how to do things right? The answer is, of course, that you can't, and every new mom makes mistakes. It's totally part of the deal.