Your first few weeks as a new mom feel like they go way too fast and like they will go on forever, simultaneously. For me this time is bittersweet, filled with warm baby snuggles, intense worry and self-doubt, seemingly endless diaper changes and feedings, and some seriously weird moments when I just have to laugh to keep myself from crying.
In fact, some of the things I did in my new-mom haze I can't help but blame severe sleep deprivation and leave it at that. The impact of sleep deprivation is real, you guys. It changes you. Seriously. Even now, being a new mom for the third time, you would think I would be less of a hot mess. Nope. I can't believe I didn't remember how bad it was, but apparently the insanity of it all slipped my mind. That might be because my Facebook memories from my first few weeks with my older children make everything seem so serene and perfect.
I am sort of mad at my past self for not posting about the reality of new parenthood, like the times (yes, times) when I was so tired I opened the front door topless, or when I accidentally locked myself out of the house, leaving the baby completely alone. Then, there was the time I fell asleep and spilled a glass of wine on my newborn. There have also been the moments I've laughed to keep from crying, like the fights I picked with my partner at 2 a.m. about whose turn it was to check on the baby or the time I poured a bottle of pumped breast milk down the drain, proving that there are times when you should totally cry over spilled milk. Well, I am done pretending to be a perfect mom, so I'm going to be totally honest and share the weirdest, most embarrassing things I did in my new-mom haze. Things like:
I Had A 'Wardrobe Malfunction"
I am actually surprised I didn't open the door without a shirt on more often, considering how much time I spent topless during my babies' first few weeks. There's nothing like waving at your mail carrier from the doorway and realizing your shirt is undone. Maybe he was too distracted by the baby to notice my nipples hanging out? One can only hope.
I Accidentally Locked Myself Out Of The House
When my daughter was about 3 weeks old, I ran out to the car to grab something only to realize I had locked myself out of the house (for the record, I did have a top on this time). My husband was at work, I had left my cell on the coffee table, and the spare key wasn't in it's hiding place. So, I did what any badass new mom would do, climbed onto the patio table, and then climbed through the unlocked kitchen window. Fortunately, no one called the cops and my baby slept through the whole ordeal.
I Made Coffee With No Coffee
There's nothing more demoralizing than feeling like a rock star mom, because you actually remembered to set up auto brew on your coffee maker the night before, only to discover you forgot to put coffee in the filter and have nothing but a pot of hot, slightly brown water waiting for you in the morning.
I Picked A Stupid Fight With My Husband
I have picked so many fights with my husband when I've been in that new-mom haze. The most hilarious arguments was the fight we had about who had enjoyed the most sleep the night before. Of course, once we realized how silly it was, we laughed about it.
However, I still maintain that he got at least an hour or two more than me, not that I'm keeping score or anything.
I Flashed Our Neighbor
I was breastfeeding my son in our second floor bedroom when I realized that our neighbor was on his roof fixing some shingles, and had a clear view of my topless body. I flushed with embarrassment, but in my sleep-deprived haze, nonchalantly waved and said, "Hi."
I Poured Pumped Breast Milk Down The Drain
After my second child was born, I power pumped in the early morning to try to boost my supply. One time, in my new mom haze, I poured milk from one bottle to the other over my bathroom sink and then, inexplicably and for absolutely no reason, poured the entire bottle of milk down the drain. It was devastating, you guys, and that devastation was made even more intense by my lack of sleep. I cried until my son woke up to eat, then I cried some more.
I Put A Dirty Diaper Back On The Baby
My partner and I use cloth diapers, which means it's not always obvious if a diaper has been peed on or not. I have, in a sleep-deprived stupor, put a dirty diaper right back on my baby's cute little bottom.
I Spilled Stuff On The Baby
It's a joke in our house that I shouldn't be allowed to eat or drink things outside of the kitchen. I've spilled stuff on every single one of my babies, so you would think that I would learn (or at least use a tarp to protect the baby). Yeah, not so much. So far in the past few weeks, I have fallen asleep and spilled the following things on myself and my baby: a full liter of sparkling water, a beer (twice), a bottle of formula without a nipple screwed on, a glass of wine (at least it was white), and a full can of soda. The struggle is real.
I Ate Really Gross Stuff
When you are sleep deprived, you can accidentally eat some pretty gross things. Formula can look like coffee creamer, a smear of poop on your hand can look like mustard, and you don't always take time to notice the yogurt you are eating expired some time last year.
I Gave Myself A Black Eye
Then, there was the time that I parked in the driveway and my driver's side door froze shut. I put the baby in her car seat and tried to open the driver's side door. I pulled and pulled, but it wouldn't budge, until it did and smacked me in the eye. I didn't realize how bad it was until we got to the grocery store and I saw my reflection in the freezer case. That totally explained all of the strange looks I was getting.
I Gave My Baby A Bottle Of Beer
When my first baby was a newborn, I was drinking a beer (don't judge me), while I was feeding her a bottle. In my new-mom haze, I totally tried to give her the wrong bottle, and spilled beer all over her, again.
I Answered The Door In My Nursing Bra
I think I made the UPS guy's day a few days after my youngest was born, when I accidentally answered the door in just my nursing bra. I was a bit embarrassed (mostly because he was embarrassed), but honestly, after being a mom for almost eight years, I couldn't really care less about those sorts of things. That's a good thing, in my opinion and considering embarrassing moments they are pretty much par for the course, these days.
On the plus side, the UPS guy used to leave packages in our driveway, but now he always comes to the door. Score.