Sometimes society sucks. Take, for example, the way we view motherhood and sexuality... or how we refuse to believe there's any sort of intersection between the two. According to society, once you're a mom your sexuality is non-existent. This belief was not lost on me when I was pregnant, and as a result I was worried. Couple that with fears I had about the effects of birth and the demands of parenthood on my sex life and, well, I was
really worried. But it turns out the pre-baby fears I had about postpartum sex were completely unnecessary.
Everyone is different, of course, and different couples are going to have different experiences after they welcome a baby into the world. Some of those experiences
may completely suck, too, and others may take a lot of time and effort to overcome. But, for the most part, people will not only have sex again after they become parents, but they will have at regular intervals again once they become parents. I mean, think about it: most people who have kids have more than one. Those second, third, and even good sex fourth and fifth babies have to come from somewhere, and that somewhere doesn't involve a stork.
Here are some things I worried about that, it turns out, were non-issues (or were not as big a problem as I feared they might be):
My Vagina Would Be Wrecked
Your fancy bits can go through
some things during childbirth, no doubt. And some of those things can, indeed, be traumatic and require physical therapy or even surgery to ameliorate. However, most people who give birth will do just fine and even if there is tearing (which in common) it won't require more than a few stitches (if that) to fix.
I didn't have to worry about any big dramatic medical issues and I
certainly didn't have to worry about all those dumb frat boy myths about postpartum vaginas being "loose." It's a vagina, people! It's evolved to deliver babies and go back to normal.
My Libido Would Be Obliterated
this is something that can happen after birth because your hormones are going pretty bonkers, if only temporarily. Personally, however, I wasn't unduly inhibited by a crashing libido after birth. The sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion for caring for children got to me, sure, but the libido was just fine.
My Partner Wouldn't Find Me Desirable
I was very worried that, for how much I knew he loved me, my body would transform into something I didn't even recognize as belonging to me and my husband would be horrified and wouldn't want to touch me ever again. As it turns out, I was one of those weirdly lucky people whose bodies really didn't change, like, at all after giving birth, and the few changes that did pop up (let me just tell you how
bizarre breastfeeding boobs can get) didn't bother the mister in the slightest.
Some women absolutely have
traumatic births that affect not just their day-to-day lives but their sex lives as well. I was worried that I was going to have such a birth, and I was definitely worried about the effect it would have on my sex life, which has been important to me since I had one. Fortunately this was a non-issue.
(If you have experienced a traumatic birth, physically and/or emotionally, please know that you're not alone and there are resources available to help you, in and out of the bedroom.)
I Would Be Unwittingly "Daddy Stitched"
Mostly the "daddy stitch" (doctors taking an extra stitch to make a postpartum woman's vagina "tighter" for the woman's partner) is a myth. It tends not to be a thing because the vast majority of doctors know that's not how vaginas work, and they know it makes sex more painful for the woman to boot.
are incidents of doctor's thinking they're doing everyone a solid by engaging in this very gross, tremendously unethical practice without asking. I was very, very nervous this would happen to me without my knowledge. It didn't, and it really isn't something you probably have to worry about, but certainly feel free to discuss this with your doctor.
Fair fear, sure, but in the end my fear was unfounded. I really want to drive home the idea that, for a great number of the people I've talked to on the subject,
sex remains more or less the same after baby. Certainly in that immediate postpartum period things can get a little weird, because your body is still going through tremendous changes, but generally speaking things level back out after a while and go back to normal.
My Partner Would Have Negative Associations With My Entire Pelvic Region
Nope. Dude saw some sh*t, too, but he's a trooper. He wasn't about to let the memory of seeing a baby head poke out of my vagina keep him from enjoying it thereafter.
It's just not, and I'm delighted, because I was worried.
That's not to say that everything will always be perfect or you won't have dry spells or weird times or whatever, but I feel like that's just
life. You don't have to worry that having a baby automatically means you sex life will be forever altered. That's not how this works.
You can scream in ecstatic climax and not wake the baby sometimes, and other times you can gently rustle a newspaper and that very same baby will immediately wake up bawling.
It's a total crap shoot, so it's best not to worry about anything specific.
A lady doesn't kiss and tell, but don't you worry about me on that account, folks, and, if you're a mom-to-be, don't worry too much about yourself, either.