My partner and I weren't planning to have a baby when we found out we were pregnant with our now 2-year-old son. He was a complete surprise; one that continues to surprise us each and every day and in the best way possible. So, it's kind of odd to sit down and actually "plan" another potential pregnancy. In fact, it's freakin' strange. It's also scary. There are more than a few reasons why I'm afraid to have another baby; reasons that I'm forced to face, discuss, and sort through as my partner and I weigh the pros and cons of expanding our family.
I guess we skipped this whole "planning part" the first time around, so it's like we're going back and experiencing all the fears that (I assume) other couples — who actually plan to procreate — probably experience. Sure, we were afraid when we found out we were pregnant the first time around, and we still had discussions as to whether or not we wanted and/or could be parents. However, it was just, you know, different. We knew we were ready because I was already pregnant. That knowledge came all at once; like this obvious, undeniable force. In one moment, I wasn't pregnant. In the next, I was, and that change made it really easy for me to know that I wanted to be pregnant and wanted to be a mom. It was instantaneous. I can't necessarily say the same thing, now. Sometimes, I really want to be pregnant again and have another baby, and when I think about my big belly and my son kissing that belly and being all excited about a sibling, I melt. Other moments, the thought is paralyzing and being pregnant and having another baby just sounds like a horrible, terrible idea.
So, for the moment, my partner and I are kind of stuck. We're a little confused, a little overwhelmed, and a little unsure as to what's best for ourselves, our son, and our family in general. I continue to think about the reasons why I'm afraid to have another baby, and continue to work through them because, well, there's really nothing else I can do. In the end, I know that when I'm truly ready to have another baby, the following fears just won't matter anymore.