Sorry, But A Working Mom Doesn't Love Her Kids As Much As A SAHM

Hey there! It's me, your imperious and condescending stay-at-home mom friend! How long as it been since I've made you, my working mom friend, feel like a complete and total failure? A couple weeks? Well that won't do! It's a good thing your kids are taking a nap so I can regale you with reasons working moms obviously don't care about their kids as much as stay-at-home moms. Oh yes, you are oh-so very welcome.

I know this can all be very hard to hear sometimes, but I say all of this for your own good. And by "your own good" I mean "to inflate my self-esteem by crushing yours," but I'm pretty sure that's good for you, too. These days it's pretty popular to think that regardless of whether we're all stay-at-home moms or working moms, we should be focusing on building each other up. After all, as the theory goes, we're all moms just trying to do the best we can for our children and give them everything they need in life. Some people honestly believe these "Mommy Wars" are harmful, artificial, and perpetuated by a society with a vested interest in keeping women insecure and at one another's throats. To this I say: if life isn't a contest against a nebulous but clearly stated enemy, then what's the point?

I'm sad to say that not all of my fellow stay-at-home moms are on the same page as me. In fact, most of the other stay-at-home moms I know are very much in that New Age, hippie dippy mindset of "live and let live" and "there are innumerable ways to raise happy, healthy children." Like my one friend, Julie, who, if I'm being honest, must not love her children very much, either.

Just like you, working mom! Let me tell you all the reasons you can't possibly love your children as much as me, a dedicated, loving stay-at-home mom:

Because They Didn’t Have The Forethought To Be Born Independently Wealthy

A common refrain I hear from working moms is “My family relies on the money I earn from my job.” It’s called “planning ahead,” lady. You see, I’m someone who really does their research, so before I was conceived (and splitting my time between a condo in a sperm and my country house in an egg) I made it a priority to research some potential parents. I spent hours poring over their degrees, earning potential, and investment portfolios, and their families’ net worths before deciding which parents to be born to and when. That way, I knew I could rely on heaping mounds of family money so that I would never have to enter the workforce at all. I could just sit back and wait until I was of childbearing age and then I could stay home with my children and look down on all the idiots who hadn’t been as clever as me.

Because How Much Do Children Really Need Food & Shelter Anyway?

Do they need those things? Or are you just chasing transitory material possessions to try to make up for the love you absolutely refuse to give them? If all of these working “moms” would just quit their jobs en masse they would realize that it would not only be a tremendous boon to the economy but they would make it work. All you need is love. With a little creativity, you could totally eat love, build a shelter with love, and clothe yourself in love. Go on Pinterest, I’m sure they have some ideas for you!

Because They've Chosen To Have An Identity Outside Of Motherhood

Who the hell do these women think they are? People?! They are mothers, damn it! It’s bad enough that I know some stay-at-home moms who insist on having “me time” or “opinions on things other than parenting” or “a personality.” Why in the world do these moms have the audacity to actually go out and do something without their children? Things that probably don't have anything to do with their children? It just gets my goat. Did you know that some of these women don’t actually have to work? They choose to! The nerve!

Because There Is No Way You Can Build A Meaningful Bond Unless You Are With Your Children 24/7

Everyone I have ever had a meaningful relationship with is someone I have physically attached myself to for at least 19 hours a day for a minimum of 18 years. I just don't understand how one could form a bond outside of that set-up. It's not about quality, it's about quantity, and the higher the quantity the better off you (and, of course, your sweet baby) will be!

I know I said "all you need is love" before, but I feel like the "constant interaction" and "obsessive surveillance" was implied. I guess I'm just old school.

Because Any Time Spent Away From Your Child Is Time You Do Not Love Them

If you’re anything like me, if something is not in front of you you sort of forget it exists. That's why I spend 21.5 hours a day staring at my child repeating over and over again "I love you." Sometimes they say they're "bored" or "want to go outside" but I know that's just them begging for more of the loving and not-at-all creepy obsessive structure I provide. How can you possibly love someone if they’re not physically there with you?

Confession: I do know a lot of stay-at-home moms who don't do this and, frankly, I find it lazy and off-putting. What are they even doing all day if not this? What could possibly be more important or constructive?

Because You Should Be The Only Person Your Child Sees Until They Turn 21

I'm not going to have someone else raise my child! And, as everyone knows, anyone showing your child care, love, affection, or any kind of connection whatsoever means they are replacing you and you cannot let them! Cannot!

There are several methods for keeping these interlopers at bay, from isolating your child in a tower with no doors or stairs and climbing up their hair, to putting blinders on your child whenever you're out in public and standing directly in front of them at all times. This latter one is, of course, for the more liberal parents so, you know, I judge.

Because Working Moms Are So Lazy

They're obviously just working outside of the home because it's so much easier than being a stay-at-home mom. All you have to do to be a working mom is find and hold a job, coordinate child care, have a back up plan for times when your regularly scheduled child care falls through, get to your child's childcare location at a set time every single day, and then coming home and doing everything stay-at-home moms have been doing all day. Honestly, how hard can that be, really?

My friend Julie, who is a stay-at-home mom but used to be a working mom, once told me that it's "actually really difficult whether you're a stay-at-home mom or a working mom." I've never liked Julie.

Because All Families Are Exactly The Same, So Parenting Is A One-Size-Fits-All Enterprise

I know it's really fashionable for the whiny millennial snowflakes nowadays to go on about how "everyone has different needs" and how there's "lots of perfectly valid ways to raise a family" but that's a bunch of malarkey. Obviously everyone has the same not only basic needs but very specific needs. For example: I am allergic to celery so therefore everyone must be allergic to celery. I don't even know why the sell it in grocery stores. Thanks, Obama.

Because My BFF Serena Joy Says So

She's really smart. Or, well, she was before the establishment of Gilead and its glorious rule that women were not to have a societal role outside of the home. Wifely duties and motherhood: that's what women should be doing! Yes, these days Serena Joy is obedient and dutiful, as well she should be.

I'm sorry if I've spoken out of turn! Please don't let the Eyes come for me! I can't be sent to the colonies!

Because I Can Only Find Peace In My Own Decisions By Invalidating Yours

What's that you say? Any choice a woman makes about how to raise her family is valid? It's all about what works best for the people in that family? Pfft. You sound like that idiot Julie. No. I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm going to belittle you and try to make you feel inferior until the insecure demons that scream from the depths of my heart and soul are finally silenced. No luck so far, but I'm going to keep at it!